Love The Way You Lie
by Siobhan B. Masen- Fraser
Summary: A continuation of Robicorn's one shot. Follow Edward and Bella along their path of destruction, will their anger and rage consume them? Can they make it out of this relationship alive? Rated M for language, violence and lemons. Twilight-E/B pairing.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay so lots of explaining to do to you all...this story is a continuation of a one shot Robicorn wrote and posted over on her profile. I read it, and couldn't get it out of my head. So I sent her a little pm and begged her to finish it on out. I explained all the plot points sticking in my head and all the things she could do with it. Well imagine my disappointment when her pm started out with 'I'm too busy work anymore on this one.' And she is, so I was only a little hurt. Then I read the rest of the pm and almost fell out in the floor. She had given me permission to finish it for her. So here it is...I won't pretend that this is all fluff and fun. It's not. I'm sure most of you know the song and have seen the video. This is a very different Edward and Bella for me. And to be honest I have pissed my beta off with them. It's angsty but if you know me at all you know that I believe in a HEA more than anything. I can promise that this will have a HEA, so if you can hang on through the angst then you will be happy in the end. At least I hope you will. **

**I owe a huge thanks to Robicorn-for letting me do this, OneofEddiesGirls- for being my cheerleader, first supporter and pre reader on this, xXtailoredDreamsXx- for agreeing to pre read this for me. And lastly to Jen(cause your ffn name is so damn long) for sticking with me through this because of our friendship, I know he is hard to take this way but I promise he will make you proud in the end.**

**Disclaimer-All characters and anything Twilight related belongs to Stephanie Meyer, the songs and lyrics used in this fic belong to the songwriters, singers and publishers. This means none of this is mine, lol! I don't make a thing off of any of it. **

**Playlist- Love The Way You Lie- Em&Rhi, Mess of You- Kimberly Caldwell, I Hate Everything About You- Three Days Grace, Run Away- Live & Shelly Lynne**

**Thanks for sticking this long ass author's note out, they won't all be this long.

* * *

Love the Way You Lie  
**

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Edward Cullen. He is my everything. My entire world. I've loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him. He is so smooth. His every move, every word seems perfect. When I see him, it's as if I am blinded by his charisma. "He's so cool," those three words are all I can think.

I met him at a house party. He was in all his glory. He had on a long sleeve t-shirt, the sleeves pushed up, exposing the tattoo's covering his arms, even a few on his neck. They are colorful and compliment his smile. He pulled his pants up every few seconds the belt nothing more than an accessory.

When our eyes finally met across the room, he smiled at me. It was like this light inside of him. I've been on fire for him ever since that moment.

The future seemed so bright on that day. I don't know why I'm so surprised that things turned so evil. When or how? I try to run, but I don't ever want leave.

He is possessive. Almost to a fault, and I thrive on it, and despise him for it. He suffocates me, I freak, we fight, we make up, he suffocates, I freak, we fight, and we make up again. It's a viscous cycle. His temper is uncontrollable sometimes. So is mine. I'm extremely jealous. I think we are both certifiable.

I can't tell you half the things we fight about. We just do. It's just the way we are.

Everyone tells me to leave. See, those fights were yesterday, today's a different day. We say things and do things we don't mean. All I know is I love him too much to walk away. We destroy each other, but they don't understand how we can't be without one another. I love him. When it's good, it's amazing. When it's bad, it's devastating.

We share a one bedroom apartment in Philadelphia. It's in a duplex, thankfully it's a decent neighborhood. Mostly Irish.

Edward gets a lot of shit for being with me, just because I'm Italian. I don't think of myself as Italian. I don't think of myself of much of anything. I don't have much of a family. That isn't true. Edward is my family. It'd be nice to say that I was from a huge Italian family. That my father yelled at me in Italian, that we had huge pasta dinners, and we had a house that was full of laughter and boisterous family. That I had these huge ties to the Catholic Church, but I didn't have any of it.

It was never my life. Ever.

It isn't the nicest apartment but it's home. There are holes in the wall from places he has punched or times I threw things aimed at his head. Sheets hang as curtains. Olive green shag carpets. An old beat up couch. I try to make it homey, but it's no use. We party too much. I'd rather spend money on beer or pills than home decor. We'd just end up throwing it at one another.

He can make me so angry sometimes, I know I only get that upset because of how much I love him. If I didn't care so much I wouldn't freak out as bad.

Edward works at a garage fixing up cars. I work as a cashier at Family Dollar. To say we live paycheck to paycheck would be an improvement. It's more like we steal from Peter to pay Paul. One month we manage to pay the electric the next cable.

Today is a good day. I wake up with the sun on my bare back. I can see Edward sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette in the living room from the open door. He looks so good with no shirt. I get tingly just looking at his bare chest. His pecks are slightly defined and he has the hottest six pack I have ever seen, while still being very slender. All of his tattoo's visible.

The one that reads Bella across his stomach used to be my favorite. Three months ago, after a huge fight I left. Edward was so pissed, he got RIP Rot in Pieces, underneath it. I keep bugging him to do something about the Rot in Pieces to get it covered up, but we don't really have the extra money.

I have Edward tattooed below my belly button. I wouldn't dream of removing it or covering it up. That's the big difference between Edward and I. He acts out of anger.

"Baby," I call to him. He looks up at me and smiles. He owns me. My heart flutters. He puts out his cigarette in one of the empty beer bottles and makes his way over to me.

"Hey," he says, placing kisses along my bare back. I roll over, exposing my breasts to him. He smirks and his lips move to my chest. I moan and arch my back into him. "You are so perfect," he whispers against my skin. The heat from his breathe sends a shiver through my spine.

"Mmmmm, I love you," manages to escape before he kisses me.

"You can't ever leave me, Bella," his tone is pleading.

"I can't," I assure him. His mouth is all over. Sucking my neck. Marking me. He likes to show the world I am his.

And I am. I could never belong to anyone else.

"I'd be so lost without you."

Roughly his hands push my legs apart. Sex is never gentle. Always hard, rough, and filled with need.

He pushes into me with a force that knocks the headboard into the wall.

His hands push my knees up and his hips continue to thrust. His fingers dig into the flesh of my thighs. The palm of my hand pushes against his chest because it's too hard, too fast.

I always feel the need to fight him.

He always gives it right back.

It's just the way we lie.

Later that day, it's awful. It shouldn't surprise me at all because we never have the good for long.

Jessica calls and tells me about some girl Edward has been rumored to be getting a little too close to. How close? I don't know. Does it matter? No one should ever get the idea that my boyfriend is screwing around on me. It's my jealousy.

My hands are shaking, my heart is racing a mile a minute, and I'm pacing the apartment waiting for him to get back because I want to kick his ass. I've been calling him, and he hasn't answered. Automatically, I think it's because of this girl. My mind runs rampant with images and stories of what he is doing, with her. Whoever she is.

I hear a key turn in the lock and walk as fast as I can to the door. I pull it open, letting it slam against the wall. There is already a round hole from the door knob.

"What the fuck is Jessica doing calling me to tell me about you and some slut?" I yell at him.

"What? I don't know!" he yells back.

"Fuck you don't! Don't you dare play fucking stupid! People don't make shit up, Edward! Who the hell is she?" He slams the door shut. "TELL ME!" I scream. I shove him. He falls back into the door.

"Don't start this shit, Bella! Don't fucking start!"

I punch him. "Answer me!" I punch him again. He holds my wrists and pushes me backwards.

My back hits the wall and his fist goes into the wall inches from my head. I don't even flinch.

"If you are talking about Lauren, she told me she wanted to fuck me."

"Did you?"

"You are fucking psychotic."

"You didn't answer the question! Why don't you ever just answer the god damn questions!"

"NO! No, I didn't fuck her! I might as well have with the way you are freaking out!"

I slap him, but it's not just a slap. My nails scrap across his face.

He grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me. I fall to the ground. Now I am really losing it.

"Don't you ever fucking put your hands on me like that!" I yell. I pick up a beer bottle and throw it.

"Jesus Christ!" He ducks, and the glass shatters against the wall.

"I can't even stand to look at you!" I yell.

"Then fucking leave!"

"YOU!"

His hands go to the coffee table and he flips it over. The ashtrays, half full beer bottles, blue and purple pills, and week old mail fall to the ground with a crash.

The rage over takes us both.

Edward is like a tornado. He whirls in destroying everything in his path.

Me, I'm like a volcano. You don't know when or why, I just erupt.

"You asshole! You can't hit me and shit!"

"You fucking hit me all the time!"

"I'm done with you!" I tell him. I think I mean it this time. "This is fucking over Edward! OVER!"

I go to the bedroom and slam the door behind me. I start pulling clothes out of the dresser and tossing them into a bag.

Edward throws the door open and grabs my arm.

"Stop! Your fucking hurting me!" I tell him, trying to get out of his grip.

"You don't get to leave! You can't leave me!"

"Watch me, Edward! Like I want to stay with a piece of shit that shoves girls and has tattoo's saying Rot in Pieces!"

I put a few more things in the bag, and get outside. I stand on the sidewalk out of breathe and tears run down my face.

In all honesty. I thrive off these battles. In some screwed up way, I know he loves me.

**EPOV**

Here we go again.

"Mother fucker!" I yell when Bella slams the front door. I should let her go. All we do is fight.

I look at the wall and know she doesn't really want to leave, because she didn't take the picture of her mother off the wall.

I feel so ashamed. I can't let her go. I swing open the front door and she stands on the steps of the duplex her back facing me. "Bella, Baby, I'm so sorry. Please come back inside."

Her hand reaches up and wipes away tears I only assume are there. "Please." I say again, reaching out and touching her shoulder. "I'll never stoop so low again."

She turns to look at me, I can see the fog from her breath as she lets out a shaky sigh. "You always say that," she says calmly.

"I mean it, baby. I do. I love you so fucking much it makes me crazy," I tell her. It's the only thing that makes sense. No one would willingly stay in a relationship with these fights every day.

Every fucking day we fight. Not always this bad. The bigger fights seem to happen one or two times a month.

It doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship this destructive. It's like your burning down the house while you're still in it.

I sound sincere, because I am. I don't want to fight with her like this. It tears me apart. I pick up her bag and grab her wrist. I hardly have to pull on her to make her follow me back inside.

"I got something...for you," I tell her as we step over the glass from the beer bottle.

"What?" she asks me curiously.

A guy with his shit together would have something...I don't know...how many guys bring home pills for their girlfriends? I mean I should be giving her like jewelry or some shit. But we aren't like that. I bring her home fucking pain killers.

I reach in my pocket and take out the cellophane wrapped pills. I put them in her hands and she smiles at me.

"Banana's... my favorite," she tells me with a kiss to my cheek taking the pills and **noisily** unwrapping them.

Yeah, it's fucked up. We are a broken record. Fight. Make up. Fight. Make up. Love. Hate. _We_ are fucked up.

I know how fucked up it is that I know Bella would rather have five ten milligram Percocets for fifty dollars more than anything else. More than jewelery or something nice for the apartment. Just anything to numb her from the pain of her past. And maybe the pain that we cause for each other.

She pops one and chases it with an old bottle of water that survived the fight. Funny thing is, I don't even know what started this most recent war. Either way, I start cleaning up.

I promise Bella to fix the holes in the walls. She says I need to, that she wants to fix the place up and have family over. She mentions it be nice to have my parents over for dinner once and while.

My parents live in the city. They struggle to make ends meet, just like my entire life, but they are well respected for being such hard workers. My father Carlisle, works for the steamfitters union. His parents are off the boat from Ireland. Once I moved out, they moved in so my mom could help care for them. She needs a break.

I know I wasn't an easy kid to raise. I was always in trouble. I was arrested a few times. My father still likes to tell me how much money he spent on court fee's and still worries about me. I know he does.

My brother Emmett though, he is the golden boy. Always got good grades, attended college at Drexel to become a gym teacher.

I went to Vo-Tech in high school. Learned how to work on cars then continued on to trade school.

I still spend most of my money on drugs and booze. My mom isn't stupid she knows what Bella and I are like. So, yeah she worries.

Bella won't fucking talk about her parents. Her father left when she was a baby, then her mother killed herself drinking and driving when she was twelve. Since then, she's spent most of her time living with her grandmother and aunts. When she acted up or got in trouble they just passed her back and forth with words like "I can't handle her," and "I can't control her, you need to take her." They just didn't know what the hell to do with her other than pass her along.

During her childhood, she spent most of the time taking care of her mother who was mostly drunk or high. She had to breath into the car to start it because of all the DUI's her mother got.

Then she died.

I know why she is so fucked up. So, I take care of her. My parents love her because that's what she fucking needs. I love them for being the loving people that they are. It just confuses me more about why I am the way I am.

Why am I so fucked up?

It's not like Bella brings it out in me. I have always been easily angered. I have always started trouble or found trouble or fuck I am trouble. I wasn't raised differently than Emmett and I was raised a whole lot more stable than Bella.

Yet here we are both just as equally fucked up.

I know this is the first time she's ever felt at home. When she tells me she is leaving, I have no idea where she thinks she is going.

"Where were you going to go?" I ask her.

She chuckles and looks down. "Your parents."

I kiss the side of her head. "They'd take you in a heartbeat if I ever let you get that far." Which I knew there was no way in hell I would.

Tonight I look at her, I love her to fucking death. It's so overwhelming I don't even know where to channel it. It gets out of control then. It turns into bitterness because I can't function with the overwhelming feelings.

Days pass...happily. We function like a somewhat normal couple for fourteen days.

I find trouble or trouble finds me. Either way.

I always screw up.

I got fucking drunk and fucked around with Lauren, again. I know the words gotten back to Bella. I've destroyed us in one night. I didn't want to, I just couldn't even see straight.

When I get home, the door is ajar. I push it open slowly. The place is turned upside down. She looks at me from the couch. Her eyes are red and if looks could kill I'd be six feet under.

"Baby, please let me," I start before she comes at me. Her fist hit me rapidly, pounding against my chest.

"Fuck you! How could you fucking do that to me?" she screams.

"I'm sorry, Bella!" I try to grab her arms to stop her from hitting me. Tears fall down her face as she yells how awful I am. How she is going to kill me. Leave me. When I manage to restrain her hands she starts using her feet.

I hold her from behind around her waist, pinning her arms to her side as she kicks back at me.

"I'm fucking leaving! We are over."

"NO! Bella! You can't fucking leave me!"

"Go fuck Lauren! Go be with Lauren!" she fights against me. I pick her up and take her to the bedroom.

Rage ignites inside me.

She can't fucking leave me. I can't breathe without her.

I try to explain it wasn't my fault.

That I was too drunk.

That I don't want to be with fucking Lauren.

I see her bags are packed. Even the picture of her mom is gone off the wall. This isn't some over dramatic shit. She really intends to leave.

That can't fucking happen.

I throw her down on the bed. "You can't fucking leave!" I yell at her.

She scurries back on the bed and cowers away from me. "If you try to fucking leave I'll tie you to the bed and light the house on fire!" I don't know what the fuck is coming out of my mouth.

"What are you going to do? Stand there and watch me burn?"

I chuckled darkly.

I had no fucking idea what I thought I was going to do.

Fire. Smoke. Darkness.

* * *

**So there you have it kids...let me know what you think. I will send you a little teaser for next week's chapter. I will also have a teaser on Monday at The Fictionator's site. Chapter two will post next Friday. **

**Till next time...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay girls and guys...this is all me! Hope you like it:) Thanks to all my peeps who have helped, encouraged, and supported me. From the bottom of my heart...I thank you! **

**Playlist:You had me- Joss Stone, Something in your mouth- Nickelback, Rolling In the Deep- Adele**

**Disclaimer:I don't own the characters, the songs, or anything that will make me any money. I do so enjoy playing with these characters tho!**

(the italicized, bold print is a flashback~just in case you needed that explained for ya!)

**

* * *

**

**On the first page of our story the future looked so bright, then this thing turned out so evil. I don't know why I'm so surprised. Even angels have their wicked schemes.**

Chapter 2- Bella

I sat on the bed in Carlisle and Esme's guest room and leaning back began to wonder how in the hell I actually got here. Huddled under the covers with my arms wrapped around my legs the memories flooded my brain. My whole life had been one big clusterfuck, but nothing like it is now.

_(Two years earlier)_

_**I threw on the first outfit that I saw, grabbed my bag and left the house. My Grandmother yelling at my back, screaming about how only tramps dressed the way I was, then continuing her screams about the smoke she sees wafting around my head. I tune her out, it's not like I really give a fuck about anything she says. She doesn't really want me living at her house and I don't really want to be there either, so we are on even playing fields. **_

_**Two cigarettes and several pills later I walked into the shitty yard of Jessica's house. I knew that she never really liked me but she was always able to score some really good shit so I stuck with her. Besides, where the fuck else did I have to go? **_

_**I dropped my purse in Jessica's room and popped a pill she held out to me. I washed it down with some shit in a red plastic cup. Just then the music began to blare out of the speakers; I moved back to the living room to dance. I was happily numb and wanted to enjoy myself. **_

_**I danced and sang along to the words. I felt strong hands pull me into a hard body and grind his large erection into my ass. Like the tease I was I pushed back against him and shook my ass. I was too wasted to worry about who it was; I just knew that this would be the best way to end my night. My mystery man leaned down and whispered into my ear. **__**His sexy voice caused all sorts of tingling in my body that ran rampant along my nerve endings. **_

_You tease them all by sucking on your thumb_

_You're so much cooler when you never pull it out_

_Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth._

_**And again because I'm a tease I put my thumb in my mouth and pushing it in and out at the same time I reach back and grabbed his dick. **_

_**He gripped me by my shoulders and spun me around to face him. I noticed my tattooed God standing before me. This night was going to be so much better than I ever thought. **_

"_**Let's go." He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the living room. He hurried me through the kitchen and only paused long enough to grab a bottle of something off of the kitchen counter before we hit the grassy back yard. He kept pulling until we were two streets away from Jessica's shitty house. I never said a word, I just allowed him to pull me along. I was too high and too drunk to even worry about where he was taking me and what we would do when we got there. **_

_**He seemed pretty wasted also. Not enough to bother his ability to get hard because he was sporting some massive wood. I didn't worry about what we would do when we arrived at our new destination; I knew that feeling something that brought me joy for a while would be nice change for me, and I couldn't wait for it. **_

_**He led me up the steps of an equally shitty house and pushed the door open. All the lights were out and no one was here at the moment, safe for the two of us. As soon as the door was pushed closed he had me against it. His large frame easily picked me up and pressed into me. His lips were immediately on my neck and his hands covered my breasts. I wanted him in the worst way. He pulled my top off and the tiny bra I wore under it soon followed. **_

_**He licked and kissed every single inch of my skin on my chest. "Fuck!" That single word summed it all up perfectly. **_

"_**Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head. You're gonna get fucked." He panted against my chest. **_

_**Why did his sexy voice and hot words turn me into a big old pile of motherfucking goo? **_

_**Something about him was different, he was more. I didn't know how he was 'more' exactly; I just knew somehow he was more. More than any guy I have ever been with. **_

_**Not that I've ever had that much of a selection process for the guys I slept with but I did at least know their names. This one I had no clue, he was still basically a stranger to me. I had seen him around a time or two but that was it. And yet something about the fact that I didn't know his name made this all the more fun. That had to have been the pills and booze talking. **_

_**I began to pull his shirt off of his body. He leaned away to pull it over his head and I once again noticed the sexy ass tattoos. I ran my hand across his arms and down his chest, touching each one. I touched the arm that was marked with the coffin with the brilliant red roses growing out of the soil around it on his forearm. He had so many that they seemed to run from one to another without interruption. I could tell from seeing him earlier that the tattoos would be sexy but this is above and beyond what I ever imagined. I do so love me a man with tattoos. I hoped he liked the tattoos that I had, so far very little had come out of his mouth so I would have to wait till later to find that out, I guess. **_

"_**Take your boots off." He said as he struggled with my button on my skirt. He continued to fumble around with that and the zipper as I bent over to unzip my boots and kick them off. When my boots were gone, he pulled my skirt down and it too was tossed to unknown places in the room. I stood before him in just my underwear. I was thanking the heavens that I decided to wear a new pair, of sexy black lace. His eyes showed me that he appreciated the effort. **_

"_**Damn woman, you are fucking fine." He informed me before his mouth assaulted my neck again. One of his hands lifted both of mine above my head and pinned them to the wall. His strong dominant words and actions were making me wetter by the second. The anticipation thrummed through me, I knew that tonight was a turning point of some kind. **_

_**What type of turning point was lost on me when his body slowly descended along mine, kissing each inch of the way. When he reached my waist he pulled my panties down and spread my legs with his left hand. I instantly complied and he dove right into me. His first kiss to my clit was gentle but after that he was pure machine. He licked, sucked and teased me to within an inch of my orgasm. I was getting weak with need for him and he still was partially dressed. I didn't even have an idea what I was working with here. I mean I had basically held it in my hands but I really wanted to lay my eyes on it, bare! But hell his mouth was fucking magic so I didn't care if the package was less than impressive.**_

_**He abruptly stood and I dropped to my knees to take care of his pants. I wanted to see what he had for me. With his pants and boxers gone I was not disappointed. AT ALL! I grinned wickedly and took as much of his large cock into my mouth as I could, the rest I held in my hand. He disappointed me when he stopped me after three passes up and down his length. **_

"_**Baby as much as I love that, it'll be over way too quickly that way. Besides I promised that you were going to get fucked and I'm a man of my word." He spun me and pressed my chest against the wall, pushing my hands up over my head again. He kicked my ankles once more apart and slid his sweet cock into me. All coherent thought stopped at that point in time. His hands came to rest on the wall on either side of my head and he leaned down to whisper into my ear. "Do you like that?" I nodded at him. "Out loud, tell me." He demanded. **_

"_**Oh God yes, I like that." I whimpered. He pushed in so deep and pulled out so slow, I could feel his body pressing all the buttons that my body had. **_

"_**You feel so good with your sweet little pussy wrapped around me." He wrapped an arm around my chest trapping my boobs beneath his arm as he continued to increase his pace. He shifted his hips and pushed in deeper. I could honestly feel him filling every possible spot in me. It felt so delicious. "So deep." He moaned. I nodded my head at him again as he licked my neck and up my ear.**_

"_**Oh yes, baby, yes. Feels so good, make me come." I begged.**_

"_**Edward." He responded. **_

"_**What?" I was lost, too much thought to process as he pounded in and out of me. **_

"_**Edward, not baby. Baby can be any man, I want you to call out for Edward, know that it's me that made you feel good. Say it!" He demanded. His grip tightened on my breast he was holding and then he pinched my nipple. **_

"_**Fuck yes, Edward. You make me feel good. You Edward." I screeched as I came. I'm certain it was not porn worthy in any way what so ever, in fact it probably sounded like a damn owl but I didn't give a fuck. I came so hard I saw star, the force of my orgasm wiped any concern away of how porn star I sounded. Edward thrust into me one last time and grunted his pleasure as he came right behind me, he must not have worried about my sounds either. **_

_**We stood for a few minutes against the wall, Edward's head resting in the crevice that my shoulder blades made. He pulled back slightly and pulled my arms down off the wall. He slipped out of me and turned us both towards the bed. I began to climb in and he pulled me back. "Not that side, that's my side." Edward moved around me and settled into 'his side' and then pulled me against him. **_

_**I felt myself drifting off when I had the urge to tell him my name as well. "Bella." I whispered. "Bella's my name."**_

"_**Okay, sleep now." Edward kissed my temple. He was such a dichotomy, one second he was rough and demanding, the next he is sweet and comforting. These two sides of Edward swirled around my brain until I drifted off to sleep. **_

_**I awoke to a pounding on the door and a man yelling, "Get up you fucker and throw the bitch out. We need to eat!" Edward jerked upright in the bed and pulled the covers up over my body.**_

"_**James shut the fuck up, I was asleep. Leave me alone!" Edward growled.**_

_**James turned the knob and pranced into the room like he owned the place. I lay still, pretending that I was asleep pressed against Edward's side. "Come on, you can't ditch us. This is us, your boys. We always go and eat after a good party." James waved his hands towards me as he continued to talk. "Edward, come on, you already skipped out of the party early for this. You had your fun, so let's go and eat." James pleaded. **_

_**I felt Edward's body tense up as he prepared to answer. "I'm only going to tell you this one time, get the fuck out of my room. I don't want breakfast, I want sleep. Go fucking eat but leave me the hell alone." Edward's voice rose in level with each word until the last few were yelled out for the whole house to hear them. **_

"_**What the fuck ever man, turn your back on us for some fucking piece of ass, see if we care." James and several other guys turned to move out of Edward's room. **_

_**When the door was secured behind them, Edward rose and walked over to it. His pause let me know that this might be my opportunity to go before he said the words. I moved to the side of the bed and reached down to grab my clothes. Edward must have heard my movements because he paused, locked the door and came back to sit on the bed beside me. **_

"_**Hey, where you going?" He asked with as much softness as I realized he was ever going to have in his voice.**_

"_**I uh…I was gonna get going so you could go and eat with them." My hand made a feeble attempt at pointing towards the last place we saw the guys standing. **_

_**Edward's hand rushed up and cupped my jaw, "Whatever, go if you want but I'm going back to bed." He threw himself back in the bed. "Stay if you want." He seemed sincere when he said it. Edward wanted to be here with me then I certainly wanted to be there with him. Besides I was hoping for some more action with him.**_

"_**Okay." I responded dropping my bra back to the floor and allowing Edward to pull me back to the bed. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but at the same time I didn't want to shatter the fragile silence between us. His smile spread as I lay back down, he moved the sheet and climbed over my body. We fucked again, he seemed to not be able to get enough of me but I had no complaints about it. His touch was so sweet even when it was rough against my skin. I felt his passion pour out each time our skin connected. **_

I shook my head to pull myself out of the past. I wouldn't allow myself to remember the times when he showed his love, the times when he did something sweet for me. I couldn't allow that now. Not after I had to flee the house because he threatened to set the damn thing on fire.

He watched me gather my shit, he watched as I took the picture of my mother down. This was the first time since I had hung it there, proudly on the wall of our living room that I had taken it down. I had had enough of his shit- his cheating, his drinking, just enough of everything. I just wanted peace in my life. Maybe I was getting old, maybe tired, who the fuck knew what I was going through but I needed to be away from Edward. I just couldn't do it anymore, when I told him so he got a dark angry look in his eyes.

He glinted at me and told me that, "Our love is crazy, we're nuts. But I can tell you this if you leave this house I will burn this motherfucker to the ground." He stood looking at me and the expression in his eyes told me that he meant it. I wanted to be scared of that shit but I just couldn't, hell maybe even death would be better than the shit I see each day in my life. So I pushed Edward a little further.

"What the fuck are you going to do? Huh, kill us both?" I threw my hands around and tried to make myself look bigger and less scared than I really was. I shoved his shoulder and slapped him when he didn't answer me.

"Bella, you can't go. I'm sorry, we can stop this shit, we can." Edward changed from the big bad wolf to little lost boy in the woods. He reached for my hand and I yanked it back. His change had added a certain amount of power to my ego.

"Go tell your shitty stories to someone who doesn't know any better, because I do. I've heard them all before." I spat back at him over my shoulder as I continued to gather my stuff from the house.

"B, without you in my life I'll go out of my fuckin' mind. I mean it!" And suddenly the rage was back. Now I was the one lost in the woods. I grabbed my bag and tried to run from the house as I saw Edward grab the lighter again. His eyes were alive with anger and rage. When I dashed past him and towards the door he grabbed my bag off of my shoulder. I let it go and continued to run. I heard him screaming for me from the doorway of the apartment. I turned once and saw flames leaping up the curtains of our bedroom. I turned back and continued to run away. I was running towards the only place I knew I had to go. I heard the sirens but I kept running. I was running away from him and towards the only hope I had for a normal life.

* * *

**E/N: I'm going to see Bobby tonight! I'm so excited :) If anyone else is there I hope to see you all! If not then you have plenty of time to leave me a review and let me know what you thought of it...ease my scared to death heart! Don't forget to look for a new teaser on Monday on The Fictionator's web site. **

**Till next time...  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Well hello there...imagine meeting you here;) LOL. **

**I can't even tell you all how blown away I am by your response to this story. I tried my best to respond to all the alerts, fav's, and reviews. I swear I did and for the first time in my life I will say this...there were just too many for me to respond, write and keep up with the real life stuff. I swear that the ones that I did not get to I have saved and I will work my way through them. I promise ;) **

**My team is the best ever-I love you all and thanks for all that you do for me! You are the ones that make me look good, the readers just don't know that!**

**Playlist: Everybody- Keith Urban, Rude Boy- Rihanna, Apology- Safety Suit, The Space Between- DMB, Can't Get You Off My Mind- Lenny Kravitz, I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues- Elton John, Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer **

**The flashback is in italics, just in case that needs to be said.**

**Okay go read the rest will wait...**

* * *

I don't know why I'm still surprised even angels have their wicked schemes,

And you take that to new extremes but you'll always be my hero…

Even though you've lost your mind!

**Chapter 3**

I lay in bed for almost a week. I shook, I threw up, I couldn't eat, I scratched, I picked, I hallucinated, I was cold, I was hot, I cried, I begged, I motherfucking came down off all of the shit that I had been ingesting for the last however many years.

Esme, God love her, sat with me and took care of me the whole time. When I puked in her lap she cleaned us both up. When I shook she held me, when I begged for Edward and cried because he wasn't there she soothed me. She stopped me from scratching my skin off and kept me from running out of the house more than once during my delusional fits. This was a real fucking mother, not that piece of shit that I grew up with. Not the one that abandoned me and took up with whatever guy would fuck her and buy her some take out.

Esme knew all of the right things to say to me and I swore to myself that I would come down off of this shit and never touch it again. I never wanted Esme to have to sit and hold me while I detoxed ever again.

I felt sorry for Edward, knowing that he was in sitting in jail for the arson, and he was all alone going through this shit. I never really knew how much he took or drank. I know it was more than most people but I also knew he had been doing it for so many years that he never seemed wasted with it. He always had this cocky ass 'I can take on the world' attitude. I loved his swagger, he was so sure of himself and it made me feel sexy that he was sure of me too. I know that seems so shallow to say but it fucking did. He was the king of our neighborhood, hell several neighborhoods, everyone wanted to be Edward Cullen or be _with _Edward Cullen. And he chose me, he flaunted me around like I was something that everyone should want. But damn could he get pissed when someone else looked at me for too long.

_**Edward and I had arrived at the Hub, a local bar that sometimes had live music and you could play pool in the back room. Lots of shit went down at the Hub. Peter, the owner didn't mind as long as he got a cut of whatever went down and no one got the cops called on them. Edward dropped me off at the table in the corner and took off to 'take care of some things', so I sat and drank. **_

_**I got bored and Edward was nowhere in sight so I popped a few pills and took off to play some pool. I knew my skirt was too fucking short and my top was too low cut to be playing pool but every so often a girl wants to be admired. I grabbed a pool cue and racked up the balls at an empty table. Before I could sink two balls, I had guests with me. **_

_**Two very helpful guys that offered to show me how to play. I flirted and agreed to their lessons. I knew Edward was somewhere around and I knew that he would stop anything from happening to me. So in my cracked out haze I went a little overboard with the guys and before I knew it one was trying to shove his hand in my shirt and his tongue down my throat. **_

_**I pushed him away but he was too fucking big for me to move. I tried to knee his balls but he was prepared for that and blocked me with his left leg. I was trapped between him and the pool table and couldn't see shit except for his nasty ass face that was trying to make out with mine.**_

_**I felt Edward before I saw him, he yanked the guy off of me and began to beat the hell out of him. Peter showed up and yelled at Edward for getting into a fight 'because the cops would be called for sure', so Edward and several of his friends tried to take the guys outside and finish the job. I heard one guy yelling about me letting my tits hang out and rubbing my pussy on his leg. I began to scream at him and tried to slap him. Edward grabbed my hand and twisted my arm behind my back. "You have done enough, take your ass home and stay there." He snarled at me. He shoved me into the arms of one of his 'boys' and I watched as he strode away still intent on finishing the fight. **_

_**I was driven home by the big burly dude that Edward pawned me off on. He stayed in the car on the curb till Edward showed up. **_

_**When I heard Edward come home I was in the bedroom, he didn't come in and I was too scared to go out to the living room where he was. I knew that if he didn't come see me it meant he was still too pissed to be around. **_

_**I undressed and threw on one of his wife-beaters and a pair of boy shorts. I made sure it was the black pair that Edward liked, the ones that half of my ass hung out of. I took off all of my makeup and lay down in the bed. My heart beat against the front side of my chest like a drum. I took several deep breaths and tried my best to calm my heart rate. **_

_**I almost accomplished this task until I heard Edward slam the door open, it stuck in the hole that was already punched in the wall. **_

_**This really was a shit hole that we lived in. **_

"_**Jesus fucking Christ Bella! I don't know how you could have been any sluttier. What the hell were you thinking?" Edward roared. I guess his time alone didn't mellow him out like I thought it would. **_

"_**I didn't do anything wrong, I was playing pool. They came up to me. I told them I was with you and they still wouldn't leave." I tried to sound innocent. My now sober brain knew that was far from the case. **_

"_**It's no wonder they didn't leave you alone, did you see your tits and ass hanging out. What the fuck made you think that outfit would be okay?" He took a cigarette and rammed it between his lips to light it. Once the flame was transferred he dropped the lighter back into his pants and ran his hand through his hair. **_

"_**You left the house with me and didn't have a problem with it. Besides it matches all the other skanks you oogle over when you think I'm not looking! Why do you like it on them and not me?" I threw the taunts out there and hoped they would stick. Sometimes I could distract him and we ended up arguing about things other than our original complaint, I had gotten off the hook many times this way. Besides the rumors were always going around about Edward fucking another girl in some form or fashion. To me it didn't matter if his dick was in her mouth, tits, ass or pussy- it was all cheating to me. Most of the rumors were false but every so often one or two would have just enough truth to it that it stung my heart to even consider that he might be doing this to me. **_

_**Edward stormed the bed and grabbed me up off of it. My legs unfolded and reached for the ground but they couldn't reach down the several inches that Edward held me up in the air. "I've already told you several times that I ain't fucking no one but you. Why do you listen to those skanks that are trying to fuck with your head?" He shook me several times before he dropped me back down onto the bed. **_

"_**You think you have me wrapped around your little finger, don't you?" I spat back at him. I hated it when he treated me like I had no sense. "I saw Tanya and Irina hanging on your every word and when she leaned up to whisper in your ear. Don't think that I don't know that she wants you. Cause she does." I scrambled off of the bed and charged over to where he stood smoking his cigarette. The smoke curled up and around his head like a magic cloud. "You can't play me like that, your dick ain't that good!" I turned on my heel and planned to march out of our bedroom but Edward reached out grabbing my arm with his full force. He held me in place with his hand as well as his steely stare. **_

_**I knew I had pushed him too far. He pushed me back against the door frame and pressed his body against mine. Within seconds my body responded to his. As much as I tried to withstand him I never could, his body spoke to mine in ways I couldn't deny. "So it ain't that good huh?" He ground his hips into mine and I whimpered at the contact. "It's good enough to make you scream and drip all over me." He licked my neck and blew across it. "You never say no when I fuck you with it!" He reached up and pulled my hair back to give him better access to my neck. I gave up fighting him at this point, it was no use, he knew he had me. His lips slowly drifted across my neck in an uncommon gesture and suddenly reached out to bite the spot he had just caressed. **_

"Bella, Carlisle is going down to the jail to see Edward. Would you like to go?" Esme asked as she smoothed my hair down, effectively snapping me out of my walk down memory lane. After five days of lying in bed it must have looked like a rats nest, but I didn't care. Part of me wanted to rush to him and make it all go away but a stronger, healthier part said 'hell no, I'm not ever going to look him in the eye again'. I just shook my head at her and she patted my head again before she left. I know that Esme looked in on me several times at night to see how I was. Carlisle put extra food on my plate and watched me eat like he was a warden at the prison. Even Poppy, Carlisle's dad, had begun to call me into his room in the evenings to sit and talk with him. He would always share his evening snack with me. I'm sure the fact that I had started vomiting almost everything I ate didn't help at all. I just couldn't stomach food anymore. I didn't want to be with Edward but yet at the same time I didn't want to be without him either. I lived on the fine line of insanity and normalcy.

Walking away from him only made the line thinner.

I had even taken to praying at night that somehow we would all wind up at the end of this stronger people. Anything else was too much for my fractured heart to hope for.

Several days later I was called into the precinct to give my statement. I went, gave it and left. Edward called several times a week, always speaking to his parents and sometimes his grandparents. But never to me. I didn't want to talk to him. I was scared that if I heard his voice I would go back. I would live the same life my mother lived, die the same way she did-alone, desperate, and drunk.

It scared the hell out of me to know that within an hour I would be standing in the same room with Edward. Not just in the room with Edward but a small room-a room where I could see him and almost reach out to touch him. Since he had pled guilty he wouldn't have a trial, he would just go before the judge for his sentencing. Part of me wanted to break down and tell him how much I loved him but the other part warned me that we both needed serious help before we could ever be healthy enough to be together.

I walked up the steps of the courthouse along with Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and Rosalie. We all looked so normal in our dressy clothes, almost like we should be heading to church. A snort escaped my mouth at the thought of me in church. All eyes turned to look at me and I looked back down at the ground. I'm sure each of them thought I was so close to actually losing my ever loving mind.

We made our way into the courtroom and sat quietly behind Edward. I felt Edward's eyes on me several times but he didn't attempt to speak to me at all, and I refused to meet his eyes. I was too afraid that my resolve would break down if I actually looked at him. So I stared at my shoes and listened to what the judge and lawyers had to say.

The lawyer for the state stood up and read Edward's charges. I didn't understand all of the words he said but it boiled down to Aggravated Arson because of the little girl that was injured. Both lawyers talked and talked and finally the Judge called an end to it all and called Edward to stand.

"Mr. Cullen, I don't see how a man with such a bright future could throw it all away like this. I'm disappointed in you, son, and saddened that you allowed your anger and rage to spill over and hurt innocent lives. The child burned in that fire will never live the care free life of a child again, they will never live a life that is free from other children calling them names because of the scars she will have to carry. You did that." Edward dropped his head and then raised it again to look at the judge. "I don't think you meant to hurt anyone, yourself included. I think that you let your emotions and anger get away from you. That, son, was your fatal mistake. A mistake that I can't allow to go unpunished and the law states that you have to pay the consequences…I'm giving you five years. This is the minimum sentence for this crime. I don't think that you're a criminal, I think you're angry and need to focus yourself. With good behavior you can be out in three to four. My advice to you while you are in there, son, is to use that mind of yours. Learn all you can, take courses, go to counseling and fix your life so that I never see you in my courtroom again, do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir. I do." Edward answered. His shoulders set, he almost looked proud of himself. At closer inspection I could see acceptance written across his body language. He had accepted that his actions had caused someone harm and was willing to pay for his mistake. I only hoped that he would do exactly what the judge advised and use his time wisely. Edward was brilliant, he could learn anything easily. I prayed that he would take the college courses, go to counseling, and make something of himself. Anything to make the pain that we both went through worth it if something good happened in the end.

When the judge dismissed the courtroom, which was empty except for us and the child's family, Edward was given a chance to speak to Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and his grandparents. I stepped back, after all of his attempts to speak to me by phone never panned out Edward knew not to ask for me. I heard whispers of encouragement from Carlisle, and Emmett. His grandparents just hugged him and kissed his cheek. Esme stepped up and held him in her arms, kissing his temple as it rested on her shoulder. I heard them speaking softly to each other, Edward asking about me. My heart stopped at his words. Esme tried to reassure him but his voice rose with concern, "Then why does she look like hell if she is fine?" Our eyes met over Esme's shoulder and I looked away quickly. I hear Esme assure him that with time I would heal, I just needed time. Edward's next words stopped my heart, "Please make sure she knows that I love her. I didn't show her the right way but I always loved her, tell her that, okay?" Esme nodded and Edward walked through the door and off to serve his time.

I slowly made my way back through the courthouse and down the same steps as when we used when we arrived. It was the same route as before but a part of me was gone now. Even though I wasn't ready to live with Edward and continue down the path we were on, it certainly didn't mean that my love for him stopped. It hurt me to know he would be away from me, from his family. It also hurt to know that we wouldn't have a chance to work things out between us.

I ran up the stairs of the house, right into the bathroom and threw up violently. I stayed in bed for three more days, throwing up everything I ate. Edward called but no one told him how I was. I don't know if he asked and they lied or if he didn't ask.

Rose came to see me on the fourth day I was in bed after Edward's sentencing, who knows how many days total it had been. She made me get up, shower and she took me to the doctor's office. Not a medical doctor, but a therapist. I didn't think it would help but I had to admit that even after the first visit it felt so much better to get those feelings off of my chest and learn that I was normal for thinking those things. I decided right then that I would be back and continue the therapy!

The next morning I was up at the crack of dawn, throwing up again. Esme called a doctor and made me an appointment. I walked in, signed in and the rest was a blur of activity. I walked back in the house when Esme was sitting everything down on the table for dinner. Esme called out to Carlisle and they both realized I was home at the same time. I felt Carlisle's hand on my arm and saw his mouth move but nothing else registered to my brain. I sat in the closest chair and broke down into tears. Someone held me close and rubbed my hair until the tears stopped.

"Honey, tell me what the doctor said, please you're scaring me." Esme pleaded. Esme had no idea of scared, I knew scared on a whole new level sitting there watching them look at me... Their eyes already worn down and weary after the whole ordeal with Edward and I was afraid that I would only add to that by adding one more mouth to feed to the house.

"I'm pregnant." My voice sounded flat and emotionless.

They shared a glance and remained silent. I stared holes in the floor, I couldn't take looking at one more person in my life that was disappointed in me. Esme's voice was soft when she began to speak. "Oh Bella, it's probably not the best timing but I know there is a reason that God gave you and Edward this baby at this particular time." The hopefulness in her voice pulled my chin up so that I could look into her eyes. The whole time my head took it's upward journey I begged for her eyes to hold the same hopefulness as her voice did. "Don't you worry, honey, it will all work out somehow. I promise we'll be there to help you every step of the way." I was rewarded with the sweet peaceful look that I wanted to see in my own mother's eyes so often but she disappointed me every time. Esme patted my arm and Carlisle placed his hand on my back and began to rub small circles.

"Bella, I have stayed pretty quiet throughout all of this mess. I know that Edward did so many things wrong." His shoulders lifted and dropped in a small sign of admittance of these deeds. "You both did. But there is no doubt that the two of you love each other. This baby is God's way of recognizing that love and giving each of you a reason to live a better life." His smile was not a full happy glow but it certainly was a long way from the disapproval that I thought I would get from them. I would take each and every piece of hopefulness that I could get. "I know that Edward will be so hurt that he'll miss out on so much but he'll be thrilled to be a father. Give it a chance Bella, I know you're strong enough to make it through this." Carlisle patted my back one final time then walked away, leaving Esme and I alone in the dining room.

"But you guys can hardly afford me here, how will you make it if you have one more mouth to feed?" I asked. I guess a life filled with regret and disappointment is a little hard to leave behind that easily.

"Well the good thing is we have a few months to find that out, don't we?" Esme's eyes still shone clear and bright, no signs of all the emotions I expected.

"Yeah, I should be due somewhere around May 12th. So we have some time."

Esme nodded then and called everyone down to eat dinner.

The emotions in the room seemed heavy all through dinner and it was obvious that each of us tried to speak several times, but nothing seemed correct in this situation. So I decided to break the tension, there was no need in everyone suffering with me.

"I'm pregnant, pass the peas please." I nodded at Poppy as his mouth fell open in shock. I could hear Gran's intake of breath.

"Oh, Bella." The words sounded uncertain but the look in Gran's eyes relayed her happiness at the idea of a little Baby Cullen here in the house with us. She hopped up and came around the table to me to envelope me in a hug. A large warm hug that made me feel for a few minutes that I just might be okay with this.

Poppy was next. His hug seemed to know my hesitation and attempt to ease that fear somewhat. This was the love and support I had needed all my life-not like the treatment that I got from my family. I know that my life would have been different if I had had this all along. It scared me to think that Edward had this all his life and yet he seemed as fucked up as I was. Before I could continue down that avenue of thinking, Gran and Poppy started talking all at once.

Gran's first question cut me to the core. "What does Edward think about being a daddy?" She turned and looked at Esme. "I hope he gets out soon so he won't miss the poor things first everything." Poppy understood me so well and began to rub soothing circles on my back.

"I haven't had a chance to tell him yet. I just found out." I stammered.

"Oh don't you worry dearie, you can tell him on his first visitation day." She blathered on and on. My mine never registered any words after those. I wasn't ready to see Edward yet. I wasn't ready to begin the forgiveness part. I still loved him but I was quite frankly scared to death to spend the rest of my life and my child's now, with a man who was capable of almost burning the house down around us. I needed to know that he was stable and not a threat to us any longer before I could even begin to forgive and trust him again.

Esme called everyone back to the table and we spent the rest of dinner time talking about the baby and baby stories like we were the average American family. I stared off in space most of the time trying to figure a way to make all of this work. I was scared to do this alone, without Edward. Hell I was just plain fucking scared, I did a lot of shit while pregnant with this baby. I had probably fucked her up for life there was no way of telling. I didn't deserve to be a mother; I didn't deserve the unconditional love that those small creatures give. I was mothered by Renee for crying out loud, what kind of example could I possibly be? I had no example to base my motherhood on, nor a way to know how well I could actually do this.

I tried to think of carrying it for nine months and then giving it away to someone else to raise. But somehow I couldn't see giving someone else a baby that was part of Edward. I lost him and now I was supposed to give away the only part I did have? I realized that I couldn't follow through on that option either, so that only left me with only one option…getting my ass in gear and getting a life in order for this baby...and Fast!

* * *

**End Notes: Now I'm not a legal expert at all, in fact I know very little about it. So, the court room stuff may be as fake as hell. I don't know. But for the sake of my fiction story, it is what I wanted to happen so I made it happen. Okay? **

**Go ahead and let me know what you think, I love to hear it!**

**Till next time...  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: A few things to say before we get on with the chapter... sorry it's gonna be long!  
**

**First of all it's a short one. Sorry, what had to be said in this chapter couldn't be added with others, I wanted it to stand alone. **

**Secondly, I am taking liberties here. I have no idea about jail and how things work in there. But the good thing about writing is that I can make the story go where I want it to go. So with that said, if you spot something that would not happen in jail then by all means chalk it up to me taking liberties with the story to get it to my ending point.**

**Third, I will respond to all of the reviews that I have been so fail at this week. And to those of you that fav'ed me, alerted me and such-Thank you. There were simply too many to respond to individually. This is normally something I do and I feel bad that I can't this time. But I thought you would rather me spend the time writing than responding. Thanks to the girls...Tailored Dreams(who doesn't need me to pimp her out but really go and read her story It's Real Life, so good), OneofEddie'sGirls, It's Random Girl, and Jen. It takes all four of them to clean my shit up pretty! To Twi guy- thanks for giving me your Edward opinion! **

**And lastly, most of you know the song and if you are this far in then you know that things happen in this story that are not so nice. Edward and Bella have an explosive relationship. They hit, they drink, they cheat, and they do drugs...if those aren't your things then by all means I understand and wish you well. But please understand that just because you do not like this topic for whatever reason does not mean that I can not choose to write about it. I appreciate you opinions and respect them but I will not ever tell you that you are wrong because you don't think like me or believe like me. Therefore I do not expect you to do the same. Abuse is a real situation and is not pretty. I do not mean to belittle anything anyone has gone through by writing this story. This is the way I would like the world to be. I want men to be able to change, for women to get their shit together and for all of us on this planet to find a happy ending. That is all this story is, my wish for the world. Now with all that shit said, let's get on with the story...  
**

Chapter 4

I sat on the bed holding the letter that Edward had sent me. This wasn't the first letter that he had sent, but the rest had either been postcards or small one page letters. This envelope was thick. Something told me that this letter was more than the rest and that was the only reason that this was the first one I contemplated opening. Maybe that meant I was turning a corner. Maybe my anger had begun to subside. I sat for almost two hours thinking over our life together and what I wanted from us. I gave up thinking about it and just opened the letter. I wasn't 100% sure I was ready for this, but I also knew that if I kept putting it off then I would never open any of them. I needed to hear what he had to say, I needed to know what he was thinking. I needed to know his thoughts on where we stood and what he wanted from me. I wasn't ready to run back to him but I wasn't completely ready to call it quits either, if only because I had a child to think about now. I knew that I was certainly on my way to getting my head on straight and knowing what I wanted/needed to do but knowing where he was stood could help me decide exactly what path I needed to take. I held my lip between my teeth and thought of Edward's reaction whenever I did that, he always said, 'Bella that is my lip, you aren't allowed to chew it off. Now let it go.' I smiled at the thought of his carefree ways on those rare days when it was just him and I and we were both sober.

That seemed to be the biggest thing between us.

The pills, alcohol and the crazy shit we both did when we were under the influence of them. I let go of a deep sigh and pulled the pages from the envelope.

_**Dear Bella, **_

_**I know you're not talking to me, and as hard as that is for me, I understand why and I am ok with that. I honestly don't blame you, I mean I tried to fucking kill us both. That wasn't my intention at the time but seriously that is what would have fucking happened if you had not been smart enough to run away from me. I can't even tell you how damn proud I am of you for that. For having the guts to just run away from fucking everything. I have never been that strong. I stayed no matter how many times it was shown to me that it would never be different. I stayed, don't know if that makes me loyal or stupid, guess it's a little of both.**_

_**I know that I don't have the right to tell you this but I still love you. **_

_**I think that I have always loved you; from the first time I laid eyes on you in that sexy silky top you wore. I watched you across the room for so long and watched your beautiful face laughing. I knew right then that I had to be with you. At first it was a physical thing, I wanted to fuck you hard against a wall, but the more time that went by and the more I got to know you, the more that I realized it was more than that. Do you know what I miss the most about being with you? I miss waking up and watching you sleep. You always looked so peaceful when you slept, like nothing was ever bothering you, like no one had ever hurt you. Of course, I also loved the days we would stay in bed and fuck like rabbits. I just loved being inside of you, I felt perfect, at peace, at home then. **_

_**I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry that I'm a fucked up mess and can't make a decent life for us. I'm sorry that we fell in love and I let you down. I'm just… so sorry. I tried to tell myself that it would be better for me to leave you, to spare you. I knew that I would make a mess of you. You had so much potential and I ruined it all. I know that I only confirmed what you had always thought about those around you. I mean seriously how many times have you told me that each and every person that you knew was out for themselves, none of them cared about you first and foremost. And guess what? I turned out to be no better than any of those people, your family, your so called friends that you bitched about, I turned out to be just like them. I promise that my intentions were honest. God Bella, you deserve so much better than that, you deserve a beautiful home and life that you could be proud of. I wanted to give you that, I swear, I still wish that I could. I wanted you to be able to stand and look all of those motherfuckers in the eye that doubted you. I wanted you to get your chance to tell them to kiss your ass. **_

_**I'm trying in here. I don't know if that means anything to you, but I really am trying. I have counseling sessions twice a week, one personal and one group. The cocky kid in me wants to tell them to fuck off and leave but the man I'm trying to become stays and tries to participate. I try to absorb all the info that the therapist tells us. In my one on one session's my therapist and I work on my anger issues. I know that really was the cause of all of the arguments and of course the fire. Some days I feel like I'm getting it and others are just as shitty as when I was walking free. Those are the hard days in here. The days when I feel like crap. Like I'm going nowhere. I don't see the point in it all and it is hard to stay strong on those days. My mother, God bless her, she always seems to know when I am having one of those days because that's usually when I get a letter from her reminding me that I should call her. By the time I'm off the phone with her I feel better. She has really helped a lot too. She talks to me like I'm there with her in the kitchen while she cooks. Now don't get me wrong she doesn't pussy foot around anything, she tells me how much I fucked up, but at the same time she makes me realize that she still loves me despite my mistakes. **_

_**I actually got a letter from the little girl that lived next door to us, the other day. She has had several operations and her arm is doing better. Her name is Jane. She is in the third grade. She told me about reading Old Yeller for her English class. I wrote her back. It was the hardest thing I have ever done Bella. I know that my superficial pain is nothing compared to her but God that hurt like hell. I can't imagine the shit she will go through with those scars. I mean I keep thinking about the first time she tries to fool around with a guy. I know that sounds like a perverted thought but will the asshole that she chooses to date will he be understanding enough to not make fun of her? I mean that is such a scary time anyway and to add a whole other level to it. I fucked her up, Bella, me. I did that to her, and not just her either; I fucked you and everyone else that knows me up too. FUCK! **_

_**I hope you don't mind that I ask my mom about you. I know that you aren't ready to talk to me and that's okay but I really hope that it is okay for her to tell me how you're doing. I need to know that you are doing okay. That is the one thing that will push me over the edge to not know about you. So please tell her that she can continue to give me updates on you, I have to know how you're doing. I worry about you so much and I can't…I just can't even think straight without knowing that you are at least holding strong. I understand if it isn't okay with you, my mom said she wouldn't be able to keep giving me updates if it isn't I just hope that you won't take that away from me. **_

_**Life here is okay, well as okay as it can be. The bed's not all that comfortable but I guess you can't ask for everything. The food is surprisingly decent. Well…decent enough. After Esme's cooking you kinda get spoiled and nothing will ever compare to that again. Oh and I have started working out, well I call it working out but really it is part of my anger management therapy. I go into the gym here and work out with a trainer for several hours a week. He allows me to get my anger out in a safe way. I thought it was bullshit but after several weeks of doing it, I really think it helps. That's when I think of what I did to you and Jane, when I can safely channel those things out of me. I also have a journal that I write in. Funny, I know but it is part of therapy as well. The therapist said she doesn't care what I write as long as I write. It has to be personal feelings. I suck at it but I'm doing it so I guess that is progress. **_

_**I've started working towards earning my GED. The librarian said as soon as I take the test and pass it I can start taking some college courses. Who knows I may step out of here a college graduate. Who would have ever thought that, huh? **_

_**Mom tells me that you're staying with them. I'm glad to hear that. I was worried about where you'd go. I didn't want you back at Jessica's or anywhere near that group again. I know that is so hypocritical for me to say that but still; they were a bunch of fucking leeches, they took and took until you were bled dry then they moved on. Besides the lifestyle that they led, that we led is not healthy. It only leads us down the same road over and over again. That road leads nowhere at all. Trust me I see the end of that road each and every night when I lay down to sleep. I can't stand the thought of you here in my place. You deserve more than that. I pray that you get more than that. **_

_**If you don't want to write back that's okay. I understand but if you don't mind I'd like to keep writing to you. In all my crazy fucked up ways of showing it, I really do still love you. I know eventually that you might find a need to move on and I don't know how I feel about that. I guess we will deal with that when the time comes but for now, please, Bella, let me be a part of your life; even if it's only through my mom and these letters. You are welcome to write me, whenever you want, or you could come see me, I can even call you, we can set up a time and I will call and we can talk; of course I will be patient if you need more time. **_

_**I hope I haven't fucked this up too badly. I still love you, please be safe, you always were the one pure thing in my life.**_

_**I love you baby,**_

_**Edward **_

I folded the letter and put it in the box that I had with a few mementoes of my life. The few things that I actually had in life that were worth saving and remembering.

I had the hairclips that my mom bought me the time we went to the shore and spent the day there. We ate corndogs and cotton candy. I don't know if she was drunk that day or not but it was a good memory so I choose to pretend that she wasn't.

I have the only picture of my dad that my mom didn't destroy; he looks so good in it. It is his high school graduation picture. They were young when they met and fell in love. My mom was still in high school even. She dropped out to have me. She never went back, said she couldn't deal with the looks of pity or judgment from the other students that were doing the same things she was doing, she just got caught.

I also had a few mementoes from my time with Edward; actually it is really a rather shitty showing of my life with him if I were to be honest with myself. All the time with him and I could only show it's worth in two movie tickets, one concert stub for Kings of Leon and a stuffed animal he won at the fair for me.

I heard Esme talking to Carlisle as they came up the stairs, so I closed the box up and decided to think about a reply later. Besides I did have to get to work soon.

After I got my shit together and finished with the detox process, the Family Dollar let me come back to work. I had two people to concentrate on now; I needed as much money as I could save for us. I was determined to take great care of my baby; our baby, I never really ever wanted to think about it being mine alone, I always thought of this baby as ours. It was just so easy to say mine since Edward was not around. I really did want him to be here with me, the longer I was pregnant the more I missed him. I just want to curl up beside him and tell him everything in my mind and talk with him. Before all of this happened we could spend the whole day talking, on those good days we shared that is. That is one of the things that I missed the most.

* * *

**E/N: Hope you liked it! There is stuff on polyvore to go with this, the link is on my profile. And I added the playlist down here as well cause there was too much at the top...**

**Playlist: Aftermath- Adam Lambert, You Lost Me- Christina Aguilera, The Man Who Can't Be Moved- The Script, Grenade- Bruno Mars, Lifeline- Papa Roach**

**If ya loved it let me know, if ya didn't let me know that too! **

**Till next time...  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Most of you know what happens in this chapter so I won't stand here and bother you with any more talking...go read**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

**Bella**

After thinking about some of the things that Edward had said in his letter I decide to take one of his ideas and run with it.. I decided that attending group meetings at the Y wouldn't be such a bad idea; I mean seriously, what did I have to lose anyway? I found that the more I go the more I like the therapist, Jasper; I like his laid back and mellow demeanor. He doesn't make you think that he is judging you for what you say or feel. In fact he makes you feel like what you feel or say is the most natural thing in the world. I like it. For once I feel like it's okay to be me. I feel buoyed by the lightness that I always seem to embrace after each group session.

In fact after one of the group sessions I was feeling so light that I stopped at the front steps of the tech school on my way by. I had never finished high school, at the time I had too many other more important things to do; but now, for some reason it seems like it was a mistake to ever stop going. Like going back is one of the steps for getting my life back in order. So I hesitantly took the steps one at a time, never looking up to meet anyone's gaze. I didn't want the judgment from them, but I knew that I did want to do better my life and the life of my baby so I knew I had to keep going.

I made my way inside and asked to speak to someone that could help me enroll in some classes. A tall lady stepped out, looking me over once and waving a hand for me to follow her. I sat where she told me to sit and I waited for her to ask me what it was that I needed help with, but she kept fiddling around with her computer instead. Finally, after several minutes she looked back up at me and said, "So, what do you need help with?"

I pushed my hair back behind my ear and began to stammer. At that moment I knew that this was why I wanted out, I wanted to feel like I'm as important as everyone else. I wanted to feel like I had the right to stand up to people like her and tell them to kiss my ass when they talk down to me. Her attitude really just gave me the resolve to do this. "I want to enroll in classes." I replied as I met her eyes.

"Well, honey, I know that much. Which classes do you want to take?" She snapped her gum in her mouth she was in high school.

"I don't know. I'm not really sure what I want to do." My resolve weakening under her constant glare.

"Have you taken classes before? What was your course study then?" She asked.

"I haven't taken any before." I stammered.

She sighed a long annoyed sigh; she obviously had better things to do. I heard the ding of her IM program every few seconds, I guess I was interrupting her chat with her friends. "Where did you graduate? Maybe I can look up your transcripts and get you started." Two more dings.

"I uh…I didn't." Feeling smaller than ever.

"Well, honey, you can't take college courses or even tech school courses if you didn't graduate from high school. You need to go back and finish that first." She stood up and walked toward the door of her office and opened it to dismiss me from her presence. I heard her mumbling about stupid teenagers as she walked away.

I slunk out of her office and made my way back towards the Y to catch my bus home since I didn't have to work, and literally ran into Jasper as he descended the steps, obviously trying to catch the same bus as me.

"Sorry." I spoke to the sidewalk since I was too embarrassed about my life to actually speak to him.

"Hey, Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there." He murmured as he pulled his bus pass from his messenger bag. He waved his hand in front of him to allow me first access to the bus. I stepped up and waved my pass along the scanner and took a seat, Jasper joined me. Well actually he sat facing me across the aisle. It felt nice to know that someone didn't assume anything about me and was willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. It was a very gentlemanly gesture. "So, you gonna spill or do I have to pull it out of you?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Just a long day that's all." I pulled at the loose threads on my worn out purse.

"Bella, I saw you less than 40 minutes ago and you were walking on cloud nine, now you are looking like you ran over a herd of kittens. What gives?"

I smiled at him and suddenly the words rushed out of my mouth. I told him about dropping out of school, about my agenda at the ripe old age of 15 and how school wasn't important to me then. I even told him a lot about Edward, and about his goals to get his life in order. Jasper scooted over to the seat beside me as I talked about Edward. I really appreciated it - I wasn't ashamed of Edward, but at the same time I didn't want to yell it out for the whole bus to hear either. I told him about being pregnant and looking for a way to accomplish the same goal that Edward had. I spoke about the lightness I felt after the group session and the horrors of asking about school. By the end I was crying for all the things I was afraid that I would never accomplish at all. Jasper's hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back and talking softly to me. He pulled his cell out of the front pocket of his jeans and made a call.

"Hey baby. Are you busy?" His southern drawl came out for this particular person and it struck me that she must be the love of his life that he has sometimes mentioned. The one person that he allowed all the walls to drop for showing her the real him. I pushed aside the longing for Edward and listened to Jasper talking. "I have a friend that I am going to bring by your office, think you can help her?" He paused and I heard a flurry of talking on the other end but couldn't make out the individual words that she used. It was too rushed. "Okay, love, see you in a few minutes." He flipped the phone closed and turned back to me. "You have a few extra minutes?" I simply nodded at him.

Two stops later we were back at the same steps. The same site that I suffered my humiliation earlier today. I pulled away from his hand on my elbow and stood gaping at him. I couldn't go back in there, ever! I wasn't stupid enough to force myself to undergo that same humiliation twice in one day, actually twice at all.

"Come on Bella, trust me." The pleading in my eyes made him stop and step closer to me. "Trust me, we are going to see Alice and she will fix you up. You deserve every one of those dreams you told me about on the bus and so much more. Don't you think this is scary for Edward as well? He has to do this shit alone, you have friends; let us help you. I promise you will love Alice, I do." He smirked and I couldn't help myself, I smiled at him as well.

We made our way through the front door, past the receptionist and down the same hall. Before I could protest again a small ball of energy came running towards us down the long hallway. She jumped and flew into Jasper's arms, they both laughed and kissed. I took a moment to look over Jasper's Alice. She was beautiful. Short, well dressed and her face radiated kindness.

Exactly one hour after I made my way into the office, Alice had me enrolled in GED courses and a few photography classes. Jasper was right, I loved her. She was kind and infectious. I couldn't help but spill my guts to her about so much of what went on in my life. She listened and asked questions and I kept spilling. By the time we were done she was wrapped in her coat and she followed Jasper and I back out to the bus stop.

"Come eat some dinner with us Bella." She grabbed my hand and held it pleadingly as she asked.

"Sure, let me just call Esme so she won't worry." I pulled out my pay as you go cell and dialed her. "Hey Carlisle is Esme there?" I waited while he called her. It made me smile that I could tell you exactly what was going on in the house without even being there. Carlisle was watching the news with his belt undone and his boots beside the chair he sat in. Esme was cooking dinner. Pops was doing a crossword and Grams sat on the porch with her friends talking.

"Bella, is that you? You scared me I expected you about two hours ago." She spoke softly but I could hear the worry in her voice. Regret washed through me. I knew she would never say so but I could see the worry pass over her face each time I wasn't home exactly when I said I would be and knew that she was scared that I had sunk back into my old ways.

"Sorry, Esme. I didn't mean to worry you. I decided to stop off at the tech school. Guess what?" Excitement poured out of my mouth.

"What?" The excitement must have been contagious because Esme sounded just was worked up as I felt.

"I'm enrolled in my GED classes as well as two for photograph."

"Bella that is amazing." She shouted before I even finished the sentence. I heard her telling Carlisle my good news and his congratulations as well.

"We can talk more about it and I'll show you all of the info when I get home. I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm going to go and grab a bite to eat with two of my friends, okay?" I bit my lip waiting for her answer like I was five and needed permission.

"Uh, okay." I could hear the doubt so I rushed to explain.

"I'll be with Jasper and his wife Alice. Jasper leads the group sessions and Alice works at Tech. She actually helped me get into the classes. We were going to celebrate. I shouldn't be gone long, I'm kinda tired."

Esme's entire demeanor changed as she took in what I said. "Oh, that's fine dear. Don't walk home, if you need me to come and pick you up I can."

"I'm fine, I'll take a cab." We exchanged goodnights and I dropped the phone back into my bag.

When I got home I changed into my pajamas and dropped into bed, more tired than I had been in a long time; but even the bone deep weariness didn't distract from happiness that I felt. For once in my life I had a normal night out with normal friends. It didn't involve any drugs, or cops running someone down and hauling them off to jail. I was beyond words.

I lay in bed and looked over the brochures that Alice gave me about the school before I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning when I made my way down the hall to the bathroom I heard Esme at the bottom of the stairs talking. She had to have been talking to Edward; her tone was always softer and soothing when she spoke to him. I knew she tried her best to assure him that things would in fact work out for all of us. Some days I was sure she was right, but others not so much.

I quietly walked down the stairs and sat down to listen to her for a few minutes. I knew that I had to tell Edward about the baby. I knew he deserved to know and to be honest I really didn't have a good reason for not telling him before now. I knew that I had to do it today; if I put it off any longer then I would keep chickening out and not tell him at all, I would end up leaving it to Esme and she didn't deserve that after all the stuff she had already done for me. So, I stood up and made my way to her. I held out my hand and waited for her to realize what I was asking for. This would be the first time I had spoke to Edward since that night and that was another hurdle that I needed to just get over as well.

"Hold on Edward, Bella wants to talk to you." I could hear Edward talking to her still as she held the phone out to me.

"Hey." I said to him.

"Hey." He replied back to me. I turned my back to Esme and tried to hunch my shoulders around to give myself a bubble of privacy. Esme's heels clicked across the floor and I heard the screen door slap close as she gave me the privacy I needed to do this.

"I uh, I have something to tell you." I stammered.

"Shit, uh okay." I heard him drop into a chair, bench or something.

"I'm pregnant." I muttered, not exactly sure if Edward would feel the way that Carlisle assured me he would.

"Really?" He sounded dumbfounded.

"Yeah I went to the doctor because I was sick a lot and your mom was starting to get worried." I ran a hand through my hair and almost laughed at the Edward gesture. "I just thought it was cause I was detoxing, you know but she was sure it was more. Well…she was right. I'm due in six months, April 14th." I ended. Edward still had not uttered another word. "I know that you can't be here or anything with what's going on and all so I don't want you to feel guilty or anything. I mean I know that we never really talked about kids and I don't know how you feel about them so this is my thing okay?" I huffed a deep breath out. "You don't have to do anything, I just wanted you to know."

"I don't have to do anything? Bella that's my baby, what do you mean I don't have to do anything? Are you kidding me?" I could hear the deep inhale that let me know he had lit a cigarette. "Baby, I know that we fucked up, I fucked up but I still love you and this is our baby. Not yours alone. I can't do shit right now but I swear as soon as I'm out of here I will be there to help you out." He went silent and I heard the puffs before he spoke again. "You haven't met anyone else have you? I mean if you have then that's okay but please at least promise me that I can see my child." He sounded broken, softer, and gentler than he ever had. I really had no idea that he would even care, I mean I know he's not a complete asshole but I just didn't see kids fitting into his future. I mean he fixed cars and dealt drugs for a living, not exactly the kind of environment that you bring a baby into.

"No! I haven't met anyone else." I wasn't sure if I should be admitting this or not but I couldn't stop myself. "I still love you too." His intake of breath proved to me how surprised that he was that I would admit it as well. "I just don't want you to feel guilty that you can't be here, that's all. I know how you are." He chuckled.

"Yeah, I already feel some guilt for it. So, how do you feel? Are you taking care of yourself?"

"As much as I can. I still feel sick a lot but the doctor gave me some tips and all to try to keep it to a minimum. I guess I'm good. What about you?"

"I uh…well, did you get my letter?" His uncertainty scared the hell out of me, it made me worry that what we had, the good parts of what we had, we would never get back. That now we were reduced to awkward talking like ex's.

"Yeah, I got it. You sound good. I'm proud of you for what you're doing."

"Bella, I swear to God that I will make this right. I can't lose you, please." I heard what I assumed were tears in his voice, the Edward I knew would never have cried so it was hard for me to tell.

"Edward." I started and realized that I couldn't promise him anything other than the fact that I would try. "I'll try that's all I can promise right now. We both need so much and have to do so much, that I can't promise more than that." It sounded weak even to my own ears but it was really all I could give.

"That's enough Bella. That's enough. I love you Baby." I heard the tears again.

"I love you too Edward." I tapped Esme on the shoulder as she stood at the sink and when she turned I handed her the phone and ran. I locked myself in the bathroom and showered. I dressed and fixed my hair for work. The whole time shutting out the talk that I had with Edward. I couldn't think about that now, I had to go to work and it wouldn't look good for me to walk in a blubbering mess.

I called Alice on the way home and chatted with her, and then I ate dinner and made my way back to bed. I was starting classes in the morning and needed my rest.

I pulled out the letter from Edward and read it again. When I had read it several times, I felt strong enough to write him back.

_**Dear Edward, **_

_**I don't even know how to start this. We are in such a strange place right now. How do we get back to normal? I really don't know. I don't even know if I want us back to normal, cause let's be honest, normal was a shithole full of drugs and booze and I hope that neither of us want that back. As for you being stupid or loyal? Well I think that you refused to give up and that makes you honorable. **_

_**Hearing I love you from you today felt so good. I don't know if that helps or hurts us to say it but it still thrills my heart to hear it from you, hope that helps; and while I do still love you, I am so fucking pissed at you. Pissed at you for a lot of things, like cheating on me for one but more then that I am pissed at you for snapping and almost killing us. Looking back though and looking at where we are now, how much better off we are now and I wonder if I should even be pissed off about that at all. Does that make sense? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, so good luck figuring it out. **_

_**You say that you don't feel like you are good enough for me, funny because I feel the same way. I feel like I should have been strong enough to pull us both out of the pits and make us better people. Instead I asked for pills and just fed your need to be a part of that circle. I enabled you! That makes me not good enough for you. I know, I know, we are going to argue this point till we're both blue in the face so I will let it go, but remember this just because you don't agree with me doesn't mean that I don't still feel those things. **_

_**I was so proud to hear all of the accomplishments that you have made. I too, have started going to group therapy at the Y. It was part of an AA or NA or something but I liked it so I kept going. Jasper, the leader, is so laid back that you don't feel wrong when you say how you feel or the things you have done. The judgment is not there and you feel safe spilling things. I have met his wife as well, she has become my best friend. Alice is her name; she is a spit fire that's for sure. She was dropping me off one afternoon when Rose and Emmett were coming over and apparently Rose went to high school with her. They talked a little. **_

_**Speaking of Emmett and Rose, Em is asking about trying to come and see you. I know that you two have some bad blood but I think that it might be a good idea to let him. He really seemed to take it hard that you were gone. That's just my opinion and all, do with it what you want. **_

_**Jasper and I have been talking about my past a lot. I see a lot of the mistakes now, both mine and other peoples. Mostly other peoples but still lots of my own. He's helped me see that I need to forgive them and myself. I need to realize that to move forward I can't keep looking back. **_

_**I have to be honest that I wasn't thrilled when I found out I was pregnant. But the longer I live with it the more excited I become. I'm not foolish enough to think it will be easy given our circumstances. Still part of me thinks this might be my chance to really get something right from the start and not fuck it up. At least I hope and pray that I don't fuck it up. I can't stand the thought of our child going through half of what I went through. It burns deep in my chest when I think of that. Your mom says that is the love that has already taken over me. I guess she's right, I don't know. I do know this. I can't stand the thought of not being pregnant anymore, that is for sure. **_

_**I start school tomorrow and I am so scared. It just seems like such a big hill to climb and while I know it will be worth it is still scary. **_

_**I don't want you to stop writing me. I know that I haven't talked much to you. Well actually at all until today but still, please don't stop writing me. I promise I am working on trying to get my shit together as well and it just may take me a little while. But it helps to know how you are and what you are feeling. So please keep writing. **_

_**I do love you!**_

_**Bella**_

I folded the letter up, slid it into the envelope, and wrote Edward's name and address on the outside. I walked it down the stairs and handed it to Esme. "Will you please get me a stamp for this tomorrow when you take yours in?" She smiles and nods.

When I was back in my room I started thinking about my life, thinking about our baby and what I needed to do to keep myself on the right road. I thought about Edward and the different spots in our lives when I could have changed things and what I should have done. Jasper and I talk about things like that, he says that it helps to review those things, not so that I will beat myself up about the fuck ups but so that I will see them and recognize them so that the next time they come up I know how to make the right decision.

I look over at the new outfit that hangs on the back of my bedroom door. Alice took me shopping and I bought it using my money. Alice is a great shopper and she found this great outfit at the thrift store for next to nothing, so little in fact that I now own some new shoes to match it as well. It is me, well the new me anyway. I think of the friendship between Jasper, Alice and myself. I can't begin to say how many ways they have helped save me. Between them and Esme and Carlisle I am almost normal. My mom used to say over and over, "God don't give a shit about me or I wouldn't be where I am today." Well I would have to disagree with her, I am where I am today because God does in fact give a shit. I know that God would not have saved me over and over again without having something special in mind for me, so I turn over and go to sleep with the knowledge that I really am special to someone, more than one someone in fact.

* * *

**E/N: Okay to all my girls that help make this pretty...thanks! I wanna pimp out two stories...**

**It's Real Life by xXTailoredDreamsXx, she doesn't need me but this B&E so effing own me, I swear I love them so much. Go check them out, you'll love it. And while you're there tell her thanks for making my stuff look good to!**

**Just out of Reach by theonlykyla-this is a new story, only two chapters posted. I pre read for this and the story is amazing, I love it. It's funny, it's sad, it makes you angry and every emotion in between. It has some slash in it so if that is not your thing then I understand but it sooooooo good! Give Kyla some love and tell her I sent ya around!**

**Both of these fics can be found on my favs on my profile!**

**Playlist:Dare you to Move-Switchfoot, With a Little help from my friends- by any artist you want but I do so love me some Casey Abrams from American Idol, Learning to Live- Beth Hart, If I ain't got you- Maroon 5, It Was- Chely Wright**

**If you would like to help me out and love my story then by all means head on over to The Lemonade Stand and vote for me for fic of the month. You get to choose four and I will tell you that she has some good one up there this month. It's a great place to get some good fics, see some hot pics and enjoy the fandom! The link is:**

**www (.) tehlemonadestand (.) blogspot (.) com/ it is supposed to be teh, so just take out the spaces!**

**I have the link for the polyvore items on my profile as well, if you like that kind of thing!**

**Till next time...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Ladies and Gents...I'm blown away by the love and concern in this community! This morning I woke to messages and texts from so many of you asking about my condition...good news is we're fine! The tornadoes went all around us and we were unharmed. Now...so many in Georgia and Alabama are not so continue to pray for them and the journey that they are going to have to clean up and rebuild!**

**Much love to all of you that help me with this little story...Adri, Pee Bee, Random, Jen and finally to BellaDonna for jumping in and helping me out when my girls took off for vacation! I heart you all ;)**

**Playlist:Everybody Hurts-U2 but I like the Lee Dewyze version, Somewhere with You-Kenny Chesney, Stepping Stones- Duffy, Cry- Kelly Clarkson, Your Mistake- Sister Hazel, Sleeping to Dream- Jason Mraz**

**Okay, go read now...**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

**Bella**

Jasper called to invite me over to their house for dinner for Alice's birthday. He is throwing her a big surprise party the next weekend but if he doesn't do something on the night of her birthday he knows that she will be suspicious. He begged, so I had to agree to go.

When I got to their house it was just Alice, Jasper and I. I was grateful that it was just the three of us. I was afraid that he would have invited Peter and Charlotte, who are great, and Maria who truth be told seems to me to be a real prize. Every time I see her, she is always bitchy and never happy about anything. I asked Alice about it one day and she explained that Maria used to date Jasper when they first started college together. Jasper realized right away that they weren't meant to be, but Maria had a hard time accepting it. Jasper broke things off, but being that they both were from a small town in Texas it's hard to really get some distance. Jasper was great as a friend, but Maria never really seemed to be able to bridge that gap. I was still curious about their relationship and the issues that Maria seems to have, so when Jasper left to go and pick up the take-out, I asked Alice about it again.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" I took the juice she handed me in a wine glass and went to sit on the couch. Alice followed with real wine in her wine glass.

"Sure." She sipped the wine and closed her eyes in appreciation. When she opened them again they were focused right on me.

"How can you stand to be friends with Maria knowing about her past with Jasper?" I sipped my juice because to ask it aloud seemed so petty of me for wanting to know.

"Well, it's simple. I'm not friends with Maria because of Maria. I'm friends with her because of Jasper." Her explanation certainly sounded simple enough, but I still wasn't sure I was with her on it.

"I still don't get it." I sipped again, really wishing that I could have the wine. Alice smiled at me, the slight tilt of her smile told me that she understood the want and sympathized.

"I love Jasper, and where he is from, friends mean everything. The town is so small that there wasn't a lot to do, so you hung out with friends. All of his memories involve Peter, Charlotte, Maria and a few others. I could never ask him to sever those ties for me because of silly pettiness." Alice's wisdom seemed to wash over me and shake my entire frame.

"So, you do it because it's important to him and you love him?" I wanted to be so trusting of a person, but I just couldn't yet. As Edward said in his letter, every single person that had been in involved in my life up to the fire had betrayed me in some form or fashion.

"Yes, plain and simple."

I leaned up and sat my glass down on the coffee table. I needed to hear more. "Does her snarky attitude not drive you insane?"

"Of course it does, but it drives Charlotte mad as well. She's a bitch but she's Jasper's friend, so I let him set the rules as far as she goes. Now, if she ever crosses the line, then I may step in, but so far…" She held her hands up as her voice let the sentence hang in the air.

"What would you do if she does cross the line?" I asked, leaning in closer to her.

"Bella, I get the feeling we aren't talking about Jasper and Maria, are we?" Alice set her glass down beside mine and sat back up to face me. She took my hands in hers and held them while I tried to collect myself enough to answer her.

I couldn't form words, so I simply shook my head. A few tears and several deep breaths later, I was ready to answer her. "I tried so hard to trust him, to know that he loved me and wouldn't do any of those things that the rumors said he did, but I just couldn't. I feel so childish for not being able to do that." I squeezed her hand.

I had never had a friend as close as Alice; I guess she was my BFF. I almost chuckled at the thought but held it in. She certainly seemed to pull the info out of me better than any other person I knew, except maybe Jasper.

"Darlin', you and I are worlds apart in things here." Alice adopted Jasper's southern drawl when she addressed me. "I was raised in a home where people loved each other and told them daily. I was fed, clothed, and supported." She leaned back and raised my chin slightly with her index finger so that I was looking at her. "You were not. Just because this is easy for Jasper and me, and trust me when I say it's not always easy for us either, doesn't mean it should be for you and Edward."

Tears began to fall again. Alice dropped my hands and slid closer to me on the couch. Her tiny arms wrapped around me and she cradled my head to her shoulder. "It takes time and trust on both parts. You have to trust him to love you more than any other person on the planet, and he has to show you that trust in some way every day. It's not a one-sided thing, Bella." I nodded my head but didn't look up at her. "Edward has some issues and so do you. Once those are worked out then you two can try to work on this. Solve the bigger issues first." I chuckled at this thought. "It will come with time Bella, I promise."

Just then Jasper marched through the door, soaking wet, but the Chinese food was clearly okay. He laughed at the situation and I marveled at this free and easy-going personality. "Well ladies, looks like old man weather didn't like our choice." His eyes crinkling at the corners like Edward's did when he laughed. A small pain of loneliness shot through my heart and I gripped Alice's arms tighter.

When Jasper returned with the food and noticed our positions you could tell he was concerned, that was something that I still wasn't used to, he made sure to ask if everything was okay as he knelt down on the floor in front of us.

Alice shooed him away and responded, "Sure, can't we have a little girl time without you honing in, Mr. Whitlock?"

I chuckled and sat up further to allow Alice to move off of the couch all together.

"Well, Mrs. Whitlock, when I come home and see you with your arms wrapped around another woman, I want you two to be naked." He held his hands up in front of his body before adding. "Just sayin'." My eyes grew wide with shock and I had to admit, a little fear.

"Stop it Jasper, you're scaring the company." Alice snapped his ass with a hand towel from the kitchen and he scurried off towards the dining room to set out the food. Alice turned back to me. "Don't pay him no mind, Bella. His momma always said he was a sassy one." She leaned in closer to me. "There is no way he meant any of that, trust me." She winked and walked towards the dining room herself.

I stood and made my way in behind them, way behind them. When I stepped foot into the fully laid out table, Alice and Jasper were wrapped up in each other's arms. Their foreheads pressed together talking quietly. That was what I wanted, right there; I wanted to be able to joke, knowing that Edward could take it as a joke and then make up just because we couldn't stand any bit of animosity between us, no matter how small. It made me remember a particularly nasty argument between Edward and I one day.

_**Edward walked into the apartment dirty, tired and smelly. The garage didn't have air conditioning in the bays, so he was hot and smelly most days. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and plopped down on the couch. His shoes, shirt and even his pants were quickly shed and he sat in his underwear trying to cool off. "What's for dinner?" He asked without even taking his eyes off of the TV. **_

"_**Don't know." I chewed on my thumb nail. I was hoping to go out with the girls that night, but had no idea how to ask Edward. I knew that he didn't like it when I went out alone and he seemed like he had had a hard day, so that made the decision of how to ask even tougher. "What would you like?"**_

"_**I don't give a fuck, as long as it's edible that's all I care about. Damn Bella, you didn't even work today. You wouldn't think it would be so hard for you to figure out something as simple as a meal for me, when I obviously did work." He waved his dirty hands up and down his body. I almost laughed at him because sitting there in nothing but his underwear you could see exactly where his clothes stopped. Those parts were filthy and covered in grease but the rest was a pale white. **_

_**I stood up and turned towards the kitchen. "Fine, damn. I only wanted to see what you wanted." I stomped off and began to rattle pans around. I fixed him a quick meal of Hamburger Helper. Let's be honest, I wasn't Betty Crocker and we couldn't afford much more than that anyway. I dished it all into a huge bowl and took it to him. He reached up and pulled it towards him, again without looking away from the TV. **_

_**I grabbed his clothes and picked them up off of the floor. "Damn, looks like you need two women around this house to take care of you." I sassed as I walked away with his dirty clothes. I heard the bowl hit the floor, and funny enough, I heard the food inside splatter as well. **_

"_**What the fuck, Bella?" Edward roared. "What are you trying to say?" I heard him making his way into the bedroom to follow me. **_

"_**Nothing. I was just fucking joking, that's all." I threw his clothes down and tried to push past him. **_

"_**Well, it's not fucking funny. I work, I pay the bills. You sit on your ass and get high all damn day."**_

"_**Wait, I work too, asshole."**_

_**Edward laughed at this point. Threw his head back and gave a full belly laugh. "You call that shit you do work? I've been to see you at work." He spat the word work. "You sit around and read goddamn magazines all fucking day. In the air conditioning! While I sweat and roast in the hot garage. I climb under nasty ass cars to fix shit most dumb ass fuckers don't know how to. I work! You, Bella, play." He turned and walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. I heard the shower start and the curtain close as he stepped in. **_

_**I sat with tears in my eyes as he got dressed. I could tell by what he put on that he had no intentions of staying in tonight. And I could tell by his demeanor that he had no intentions of taking me with him. Part of me said that I should be thrilled, because I'd get my girls night out like I wanted. But the other half of me wanted to criticize myself for being such a bitch to him. **_

_**After Edward left, Jessica showed up and forced me to get ready. I made sure to wear something that wouldn't piss Edward off in case we ended up at the same place. I went, but I didn't have fun. I worried about what Edward was out there doing in anger. Was he with another woman? Was he off doing more drugs? Was he drinking and driving? The longer the night went on the more depressed I got, and I even tried to head home several times. Jessica promised just one more club and we would go. I gave in. I didn't really want to be there when Edward came home anyway, if he came home. When we hit the dance floor at the last club, I let it all go. I danced and enjoyed myself. Until I saw Edward sitting in a booth in the corner, watching me on the dance floor. And he wasn't alone. Lauren was with him. Rumors were that Lauren was his go to girl when he wanted to fuck around on me. I had no proof, but it was hard to ignore so many damn rumors. I immediately made my way to them. I watched as she ran her tongue up the side of his jaw and around the hot tattoo on his neck. I cringed knowing that he was not only allowing it, but a little smug about it. His eyes never left mine as I made my way to them. When I stopped at the edge of the table, he said one word. "Bella."**_

_**I grabbed the table and shoved it towards them. Lauren looked over at me with her glassy eyes and went back to licking his neck. Her hand snaked down towards his lap. I snapped. I launched myself at her. I intended to rip her eyes out and then tear her tongue and hands off as well. Edward stopped me. He waved his finger in front of my face and tsk'd me. "Now, now, Bella. Don't be angry. I'm only doing as you asked. I'm trying to find another woman to help take care of me." I threw my other hand up to slap him across his face. But he caught that hand as well. **_

"_**Fuck you!" I was seething. **_

"_**That is a promising idea, maybe Lauren would like to join us. Let you two get to know each other and all." Lauren perked up at the idea, I wanted to kill her. **_

"_**Not on your life. I'm done with you and your little bitch." I turned and walked out of the club with Jessica. I stayed at her house for two days until one of Edward's friends showed up and told me that he was looking for me. I don't know why he didn't come and get me himself, he knew where I was. I went home and he apologized. He promised that nothing happened between him and Lauren and that he was using her to make me jealous. I told him it worked. I forgave him and he fucked me against the wall. Just like our first time together, hard and fast. He told me how no one made him feel as good as I did, and that no bitch would ever work his dick as well as I did. I told myself that he meant the other women were bitches and that he never called me that.**_

Alice stood waving her hand in front of my eyes. "Earth to Bella, you in there Bella?" She laughed. Jasper joined in. I had no idea how long I had stood there in a daze.

"Sorry," I mumbled and went about making my plate of food. They both let it go and we made our way back to the couches to eat.

About half way through our meal Jasper turned to me. "I've been meaning to talk to you about something." He sat his food down and I followed suit. "I think you would get more out of one-on-one therapy than the group thing."

I tried to protest and he stopped me. "Bella, it would be beneficial to you for a therapist to work one-on-one with you. Focus on your specific needs and not the bullshit that the rest of the group needs to deal with."

Alice slapped his arm. He turned to look at her. "What? I'm not lying, it's mostly bullshit. Isn't it, Bella?" I didn't answer him, but I did begin to giggle. "See, even she can't deny it's bullshit." Jasper turned back to me. "Seriously Bella, think about it."

I shook my head. "I can't afford that now." I pointed to my stomach.

"Well, see, there's this other part." Jasper scratched his head and rushed forward with his description. "I have this potential job lined up once my contract is up here, but they want me to get some one-on-one experience. And I don't have much of that. So…I was kinda hopin' that we could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I could get more hours of one-on-one and you could get some serious help for your issues. Not the bullshit." He turned back to Alice to say the last part. She giggled and so did I.

"Okay," I replied to him. He jumped up and down and swung me in a circle.

Alice marched off to the kitchen with the dishes. "I told you she would say yes, dummy!" She threw her comment over her shoulder to Jasper as she retreated.

"I swear, I really was thinking about suggesting this before this new job came up, that isn't the only reason. I promise. I would never do that you." Jasper's eyes became serious and it was kind of funny the way he was worried about how his offer looked.

"I know, silly, I just can't help joining in on the fun." I slapped his chest and we broke apart.

Alice drove me home that night to save me cab fare, and as I made my way inside I couldn't help but still laugh at the fun we'd had. Carlisle and Esme were watching TV together when I came in, but they both sat up a little when they heard me.

"Hey," I offered from the doorway.

"Hey," they both responded in unison. "Have fun?" Esme asked.

"Yeah, I did." I shifted from foot to foot. Something about Carlisle's eyes made me nervous. "I'm going to go and get ready for bed now," I trailed off.

"Bella?" Carlisle's voice stopped me.

I turned back around to meet his eyes. "Edward would be so proud of you."

My mouth fell open. That was not what I expected at all. My hands immediately went to cover my stomach and wrap my arms around the only part of Edward I still had with me.

"He really would. You have changed so much, in a good way; you're holding down a job and even got a promotion, you're going to school and doing really well. I'm proud of you and I know Edward would be too."

He stood and wrapped me up in his arms. He wasn't quite as tall as Edward, but everything else felt familiar, almost like having Edward there with me. I caved and began to cry. I really did miss him. Even when I spent most of the evening thinking about the shitty parts of our life, I still missed him.

"Hey now, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry, I just wanted you to know how we felt."

I backed away and wiped my tears off. Esme came to stand by us as she ran her hand down my arm. "I know, it just felt so much like Edward and I miss him so much sometimes." I half laughed, half cried.

"It seems like so long, but just look at how much time has gone by so far. By the time he gets out you and he both will have your feet on the ground and be ready to run."

I nodded and tried to smile.

"Go and get some sleep. Don't you have a big test coming up tomorrow?" Esme asked.

"I do." Once I had passed my GED tests, I could officially begin to take college courses. So far the photography classes that I took were courses offered to the public, which was fine, but I was ready to get serious.

Esme and Carlisle both offered me well wishes for the test and I slipped upstairs to get ready for bed. After the night I had, I wanted to write Edward. After I talked to him on the phone and answered that first letter, we made a point to write at least once a week. For him it was usually more. He spent time telling me about what he was learning and how he felt. I could see several things that Jasper and I covered in our group sessions coming out in Edward's letters. It made me proud to see that he was trying hard to work on things as well.

I knew that this letter was going to be hard. I had planned on asking him about the other women and why he was with them. I knew it was probably stupid at this point, but I needed to know. I had to know where he stood on that issue if we were ever going to be able to trust each other again. More specifically, if I was going to be able to trust him.

I showered and got in my pajamas. I grabbed the notebook I used to write him in and hopped into bed. I began to pour my heart out to him. I recounted the night I remembered and how it made me feel. I told him about the hurt I felt when he didn't come to ask me to come home. I told him about the rumors and how they made me cry. I told him about the night I spent with Alice and Jasper and the things that Alice said. I told him about the times that I went out without him. I explained in detail what happened, as much as I remembered, I explained how I had not been with another man since I met him. I tried to make him understand that this was not a decision made out of fear for what he would do to me or the other guy. It was a decision based on my love for him; my need to be with him, and him alone. I begged him to be honest with me. I promised that there would be no anger or finger pointing, but that this was to clear the slate between us and get things out in the open, so that we could work on making our relationship healthy and strong. I spent a little time at the end and told him about the doctor's visit for the baby. I relayed the information about my big test, even though I knew he already knew about that. I also told him about the sessions with Jasper. I told him I loved him and I closed the letter.

I had not gone to see Edward in jail yet. I wasn't sure if I could, but I would like to go before the baby was born; and that was soon. I only had a little over eight weeks left before my due date. I made a mental note to work on that tomorrow after my test. I wrapped the blankets around me and fell off to sleep, dreaming of Edward and when he gets home, like always.

* * *

**Hope you liked it, it was hard to write this chapter. It pains me to see him acting in such a way but trust me you will get to hear from him soon and get his side. Don't be too angry at him, remember this is a flashback and not how he is now! **

**Got a few fic recs for you this week- Just Out of Reach by theonlykyla. It is a sweet mix of pain and pleasure and you will fall in love immediately. I beta this one for Kyla and let me tell you she has so many tricks up her sleeve for you, again...sweetest torture! **

**Secondly is Fight Like A Girl by katie marieee. Bella is a Cancer survivor and goes away for Graduate school where she takes a job in a tattoo shop. Can you see where this is going? Well you are probably right and even tho the story line has been seen before you will be so happy that you read it. Her Bella is awesome and well Edward is just delish, **whispers, he has tatts, whispers**! Enough said :) **

**Both of these are on my fav's list! Send them some love and let them know I sent ya!**

**Till next time...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hola chickies...so good to see you all here again! Each and every week you astound me with your love and support of this little story! To all the readers, favers, alerters, reviewers...I love you all big time! To my girls~ without you this would not be readable, so thanks! I have said this before and I will say it again, to me the best part of this fandom is the friends I have made. You guys are so much more fun and a helluva lot cheaper than therapy! **

**Play list:Photograph- Daughtry, The Mess I Made- Parachute, This Time- Jon Rhys Meyer, Here With You-3 Doors Down, Hard To Say I'm Sorry- Chicago, Need You Now- LA, All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye- John Mayer**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

**Bella**

It had been a great couple of weeks, I passed my GED test and I enrolled in some photography classes. Everyone was so proud of how far I had come, Jasper and Alice gave me a camera as my graduation present, and Esme and Carlisle found me a second hand car to drive.

Edward had sent me a long letter answering all the questions I had asked in my last letter. I was proud of his honesty and couldn't wait to go and see him. We would get to see each other for the first time since his sentencing next Tuesday. Edward's lawyer was able to work with the warden to allow me to come and see him on Tuesday instead of Saturday due to my advanced pregnancy. He said it would give us more time to talk without all the interruptions of the other families plus it would be safer for me. Edward was all for it; this way we would be able to meet in a little room by ourselves with one guard watching through a window and not out in the open with all the other people there, it helped put me more at ease about the visit, knowing that we would be on our own would give us more time to talk about things that we couldn't talk about on the phone or in letters.

Tuesday finally arrived and I was so damn nervous. I worried about how I looked. Edward had never seen me pregnant. I worried about how I was dressed and how my makeup looked. I worried if I had the directions written down correctly. I just worried.

Esme made me breakfast, and packed me a snack to take with me, just in case. Alice and Jasper both called to talk me down a little. Carlisle kissed my forehead as he left and asked me to tell Edward that he would be up this weekend. Grand and Poppy gave me a kiss to give to him. I made my way to the car and pulled out of the driveway. _Finally on my way to see Edward_.

I arrived at the jail, gave my ID to the guard and was ushered into a little room where I sat and waited for Edward to come in. After a few minutes another guard came to tell me that Edward was in the gym working out so he ran to shower before he came in. I told him that was fine and began to wait again. Once again the door opened and the guard stepped in. "Ms. Swan I need to tell you the rules first before I can bring him in, okay?" I nodded. "You can touch but nothing sexual. He can hug you but nothing more. Both of your hands must remain on top of the table at all times. You can sit side by side but you must face this window. You may not give him anything such as letters, books or anything like that. He may not give you anything. I can hear you both but I will not be listening. I simply have the speaker on for your safety. If you need me for any reason then you may ask for me. The warden says you may have two hours." He stepped back a few steps and I nodded my understanding. "Then please have a seat right here and I will bring him in."

I sat and waited, I could hear the shuffling in the hallway and the guard relaying the rules to Edward as well. I heard Edward ask if he could kiss me. I didn't hear the response and it didn't matter because they opened the door and brought Edward in. He immediately pulled me close and hugged me against him. I could feel the way my new body fit against him and liked how it felt. Now I see why the no sexual touching thing was brought up, because at this point I really wanted to sexually touch Edward.

Edward's hand came up to cup my face and he held me at arm's length. "My God, Bella, you are beautiful." His hands went to my stomach. I was embarrassed and tried to pull my jacket around me to cover it but Edward pushed my hands away, he ran his hands all over me and held them in place once he reached a spot he liked. I moved his hand lower and he stood stock still when our baby kicked his hand. His eyes wide with shock. The guard cleared his throat over the speaker and Edward shifted his body so that he could see through the window that we were clearly not sexually touching. I heard a faint murmur of 'okay' and we got lost in our bubble again. Edward stood for quite a few minutes with his hands on my stomach feeling it move. Each time his eyes lit up brighter.

I finally shifted to sit. We chose for me to sit at the end of the table and Edward immediately to my right, that way both of us faced the window. Edward grabbed my hands and held them in his. "I can't believe that you're here."

"Me either. This was the longest week ever." I joked.

"Who drove you?" He asked tentatively.

"Well, see when I passed my GED, your dad took me to help me find a car. It's a piece of crap but it's my piece of crap. So I drove myself. I wasn't ready to be with anyone else today. I wanted today to be about me and you." I whispered the last part but Edward still heard me. His grip tightened on my hand and I knew that I'd made the right move. "What about you though, look at you." I say this in amazement. He looks great. His hair is cut shorter than he likes it but it looks hot, he has filled out and has a slight tan. I marveled at the man before me and shook my head at the fact that the women that just can't help themselves.

"I got clean, healthy and I am living right. It's amazing what a little effort can do. I see that it's been working for you as well. You're beautiful."

I blushed and lead him towards a conversation about our child. I told him the due date and he blanched again, I'm guessing the fact that it's so close and he certainly won't be able to be there was making him feel guilty. I reached for him and attempted to soothe him. He allowed me to put my hand on his face and turn him toward me. I realize that this is something he would never let me do before. I marvel at his progress. "Hey, it's fine. We knew this right?"

We sat in silence for a few minutes, each of us absorbing the details that we knew we would face without each other. I realized that it was now time to talk about our pasts and get them out of the way if we ever had any hope of making a future with each other.

"Can I ask you a few questions? Things that I have thought about often and I need to know." He sat back and almost pulled his hand away. At the last second he reached back to pull my hand back into his palm and curled his hand around mine. The tension in his body was clear and very easy to read.

"I guess we had to do this sometime, so shoot." He said on an exhaled breath.

"I need to know about the time we were together." I sat in silence trying to find a way to not be an asshole about it but still be totally honest. "I mean, were you with other people? At all, cause there were a lot of rumors and some of them were hard to ignore." He grabbed a cigarette and lit it, his hand slightly shaking as he pulled it out of his mouth. I had never seen Edward so shook up and worried about the depth of the bad news that he was going to deliver to me.

"I'm going to be totally honest with you okay?" I nodded my head at him. I didn't want to break this little bubble that we were in by speaking. "I wasn't totally faithful. And at the time that it happened I wasn't real upset by it. But now I see that it was the drugs or the alcohol talking to me. I knew that you would be hurt by it and yeah I tried my damnest to hide it from you." He drew the cigarette back up to his mouth and took a ragged draw off of it. "I just didn't care at the time, usually it was when we had one of our biggest fights and it was real easy to say 'fuck you' and go out and do it. I wish I had a different answer to tell you but I know now that I was in too deep. I was too wrapped up in myself and my own bad habits to pull away." His eyes met mine. "I'm sorry Bella, really sorry." He leaned his head away and blew the smoke away from me. I was touched by the small amount of caring that he had shown to me at this moment. It didn't take away the sting of what he was saying but it did show me that he had changed.

I sat back in my chair. I wanted the answer to be different but I knew deep down inside that it wasn't. I knew that he was going to say the things he did. And while I understood them, they still hurt me. I drew in a shaky breath and willed myself to talk to him about it. "I guess I knew this all along if I'm being honest with myself." He turned his head away but nodded at the same time. "I need to know who and when." His head jerked back to look me dead in the eyes.

He stuttered, "Who and when?"

"Edward, we need to say it all. Get it all out; drop all of this baggage while we still can. That is the only way we can move on with each other. I need to know that you were honest with me and I was honest with you, so we can work towards rebuilding the trust." His head didn't turn away but it didn't hold my gaze any longer either.

"Looks like your therapist knows my therapist." He murmured. I smiled, happy that he was being told to do the same thing. Inside I was hoping that this would make it easier for him to talk to me about this sensitive subject since he had pressure on both sides.

"I won't lie, this is a push from Jasper to know this, but if I'm being honest with myself, I have needed to know for a long time. Now, if you had told me this before," I waved my hand around to indicate his current situation, "then we might not still be together. But now, we are in a totally different place. We are trying to make this work for our sanity and for the sake of our baby." I grabbed his free hand again and squeezed it. "I need to know." I begged him with my eyes.

"I'm just so fucking scared that you want to know now but when I tell you then you will leave and never come back, you'll think less of me and run for the hills. I mean I have nothing but you right now. If I don't have the hope that we can fix this and be a real family when I get out I have nothing!" His voice slightly raised and I heard the squawk of the speaker turning on so that the guard could ask if everything was okay. I waved at him to indicate that I was fine and he turned it right back off.

"Edward all we ever have is hope. We take risks every single day, every hour. Some of them are returned and some are not. I don't know what to tell you other than I'm here now, after all we have been through and yet I am still here trying to work things out with you and I still haven't run." His silence let me know that he was thinking this over so I pushed forward. "I could have and several times I wanted to. I went through fucking detox with you. I mean not _with you_ with you, but I knew you were going to go through it alone in jail. So it made me feel closer to you to do it at the same time." He pushed my hair back behind my ear and gently rubbed his thumb along my jaw line. I was getting through to him; I saw in his eyes that he was breaking down and processing everything in his mind as I spoke. "I need to know where our relationship stood so I could see the progress that we had made, Please."

He lit another cigarette and I wondered how much longer we had until 'Time' was called. I didn't want to get half way through but yet I needed something today.

"It was only with one girl, the same girl." He glanced up at me again. His thumb nail was tracing the carvings on the table top. "It was Lauren." I stiffened and he leaned forward to bridge the gap between us. His hand came to rest on my face again. "It was her because she meant nothing to me. I hated her, with a passion hated her. It was easier to cheat with her, to feel nothing with her. So yeah I did the act but felt none of the feelings with it. I felt nothing and that is what I wanted at that time."

"How many times?" I asked, trying not to sound pissed but I was.

"Four times. Three times she just blew me, so I guess that counts and then once I fucked her." All of the smug looks from Lauren made more sense now. "You have to trust me when I say it meant nothing. I was angry and that is no excuse but fuck, Bella, I had no idea how to deal with it. None!" He stood and began to pace the small room. I sat back in my chair to give him as much room as possible. "I had the perfect life, my parents loved me, they cared for me and I had every opportunity that Emmett did. But fucking look at me, I'm in jail. I don't know how to fix this or if I can. I just know that I am tired of feeling like the fuck up, the black sheep. For once I want to do something right with my life. Once." He dropped back down in the chair and pulled out another cigarette.

"I get it, baby, I do; me too, that's what we're doing here." I brushed my hand across his face and turned him so that I could look at him. "I'm just as scared Edward. I mean look at me; I'm alone, pregnant and living with your parents. I need to feel like I have my feet on the ground some way or another. We need to know that we are okay." He nodded. "It's only been you." I whispered. He closed his eyes and trapped my hand between his neck and jaw line as he leaned into my touch. "We will make it, I know we will." He nodded against my hand.

We heard the door open and the guard cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, Edward but it's time." He stepped back out into the hallway and left us a little privacy to say goodbye. We both stood up.

"We can talk more next time, okay?" He pulled me into him and held me close to his body. I felt the defeat swallowing him up. "Hey, we're good, I promise." He nodded and lean towards me slightly. I didn't know if kissing him was considered 'sexual' but I was sure going to find out. I pulled him down to me and kissed his mouth. His sweet, full mouth.

I felt so needy and wanted so much more from him but I knew that it was a defense mechanism. A way of coping that wasn't healthy. I wanted his touch as a way to assure me I was good enough; but my time with Jasper had shown me that I had to know I was good enough and nothing that Edward did could ever convince me of that.

I did open my mouth and allow my tongue to sweep out to touch his, I craved his body as much as I ever did and could see that this small amount of contact would not defeat my purpose. Edward obviously didn't mind because he pulled me closer and wrapped his hand around the back of my neck. His kiss was so sweet and gentle. Nothing like the kisses we used to share, they were always rough and demanding. I liked this new side of Edward, definitely.

The guard wrapped his knuckles on the door and we broke apart. He dropped his forehead down onto mine, his hand still wrapped around the back of my neck. He felt like he was covering me and protecting me, and I loved it.

"I'll be back soon, okay?" He just nodded at me and stepped away towards the door. I heard the guard murmur something about 'touching' as Edward just shook his head and laughed. Edward let it go and so did I. If I thought he was in real trouble I would certainly tell the guard, I mean after all it was my fault and not Edward's. But he looked like they were joking and not really admonishing so I sat back down to wait to be escorted out.

When the guard showed back up, he held his hand out to me and introduced himself. "I'm Eleazar, I'm the shrink around here." He laughed as she shook my hand. "I hope you don't mind that I was the one that stood guard for this but I needed to know how to talk to Edward after this visit." I bit down on my thumbnail and rethought all of the things I had said to him, nervous now that I had said something stupid. "Now, don't do that, you did well. Very well in fact. It was exactly what he needed, he needs to get this off of his chest and learn to move on. I asked him if it was okay for us to talk and he said yes. So if you have a moment I would like to chat with you." He motioned towards the chairs again. I sat down and waited for him to speak again. "Edward isn't out of the woods but he is making remarkable progress. I hope to talk with him about your talk today and delve into that, if you don't mind." I shook my head at him. "He has so much potential and it helps that you still care for him. I was worried that this visit was a duck and run thing."

"I don't understand what that means."

"You're here to say goodbye so you can duck and run away." I immediately began to shake my head no at him but he held up his hands. "It's okay, I see now that it's not that way at all. I may want to have you in later and do some sessions with both of you, when we get to that point. Is that okay?"

"Of course, I'll do whatever helps Edward."

"That's good to hear. I'll be in touch to talk about that when the time is right. Now, let me escort you out to the lobby." He stood and I followed him out.

"Thanks for the helping us. I really do love him and want to make this work." He nodded and pushed the door open for me and I left.

The walk to my car and the ride home was so hard. I felt so empty after sitting with Edward. I knew that this need to be close to him was going to be harder and harder to deal with now that I planned to go and see him more often.

I called Jasper as soon as I got on the highway. "Hey can you talk?"

"Sure, darlin', I thought you might need to talk after the visit. Go ahead."

I put the phone on speaker and laid it on the dash seat beside me. "Well it went well, really well." I grasped for the words to tell Jasper what went on. "We talked about the baby and he felt it move. He was so happy about that. We uh…we talked about our past and if he ever cheated on me." I dropped my right hand off of the steering wheel and it immediately took up residence in my mouth. I peeled at the sore spot that I chewed on while I drove down here.

"Bella, how does that make you feel?" I laughed at Jasper and his therapy words.

"Like shit but I do understand why he says he did it."

"Well, share then so we can both understand."

"He was drinking and doing drugs then, a lot, and while he says that is not an excuse for it but he says that it was all part of the numbing process, he was trying to feel numb again. He didn't want to hurt anymore, to feel like he was once again fucking up." I sat silent for a few seconds. "I guess I understand that."

"I certainly do as well but Bella you both need to make sure that you don't allow the excuses to be your answers. You need to push the excuses and alibis aside and really question yourself as to why you did it. The drugs and alcohol were definitely a contributing factor and certainly led you to believe that you were doing the right thing but it was not the reason that you actually did it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah it does. I told him that we would talk about it more later. His therapist, Eleazar, came out and talked with me. Eleazar is going to talk about this more with Edward and possibly have me come for a therapy appointment as well, that way we can work on things together."

"That is a great idea Bella, I like it a lot; I think it will help both of you." I knew that Jasper was the person that I could count on to give me the no bullshit answers that I needed. He also forced me to look inside and question myself. He felt that we both had a big part in our downfall. I liked that he wasn't willing to just blame Edward because of his absentee status. It was so easy for most people to place blame on him and sweep what I did under the rug. I wanted to fix myself not turn away from my bad habits or mistakes. I wanted to know what I had done and why. How else am I going to make it right again?

How else am I going to make a good life for our child?

Jasper cleared his throat. I snapped out of my internal monologue. "Bella, I really think that the two of you can fix this. It won't be easy but it sounds like both of you are on the same page and working towards it separately. Sometimes you need to do that in order to meet back at a single point. Keep working, keep talking, and keep asking questions of yourself and Edward. Keep writing things down. Sometimes things that you had no idea were important to you have a way of coming out in that journal. Read over your entries at the end of the week and see where your mind was at. Work on taking care of those things. You're doing great kid, I promise you are." I loved it when Jasper called me 'kid', I felt like he was my brother and he cared for me. I craved the feeling of belong to a family with so many deep parts of myself. One thing I vowed was that our child would never desire for that feeling. They would know it from the moment that they entered the world.

"Thanks, Jasper. I meant it for everything. I can't say it enough."

"Sure darlin', anything for you."

"It's been a long day and I think I'm going to head to bed and think about all of this for a little bit. Would you tell Alice goodnight for me, please." I was tired, but it was a good kind of tired. I felt renewed by the talk and wanted to do as Jasper said, write and think about it.

"Sure thing, sweet dreams."

I lay in bed and wrote down all of my thoughts without putting conscience thought into them. I was really interested in seeing if what Jasper said about my thoughts would actually show me what I wanted to know.

After all of my thoughts were down on paper, I closed the journal and said a prayer that we could fix this. That we could make our lives mean something and no longer be the lost wandering black sheep.

* * *

**So...what did you think? This was such a hard chapter for me to write. It just doesn't feel right for him to admit to those types of things. But this Edward was that person, he isn't that person anymore but he was back then. I love your ideas, thoughts and feelings so feel free to send them on. **

**Till next time...**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:This one is kinda on the short side but I think it will be okay with you guys. Hello and lots of love and thanks to everyone who reads, alerts, favs, and reviews. Fanfiction was being an ass this past week so if I missed responding to any reviews, please know it was not intentional at all. I really do appreciate them and it helps me to know how invested some of you are in this story! To the team of girls that keeps me looking good-PB, Random, OoEG, and Jen-thanks so much, I need each and every single one of you and love you for taking the time to do it! To my friends that I have made through this story and my others- you mean the world to me! I love you all!**

**Playlist:Hate Me- Blue October, Iris- The Goo Goo Dolls, The Reason- Hoobastank, Breaking Inside- Shinedown, I Need to Know- Kris Allen, I think there were a few others but for the life of me I can't remember them so if I do remember then I will add them!**

**On with the show...**

* * *

**Chapter 8-**

**Bella**

It had been two weeks since my first visit with Edward and on my way to work this morning I found myself thinking of the countless letters and phone calls we had shared in that time. Sometimes I would get two or even three a day from him. He poured his heart out to me and I listened, and then poured mine back out to him.

It certainly didn't change what we had done to each other but it was a nice healthy step to being back to conversing like normal adults. I actually learned things about Edward that I never knew; he shared his childhood dreams, he wanted to be an architect and build skyscrapers, he shared his fears of being alone. We talked about our dreams and hopes for the future.

We also talked more about our time together and what went wrong. We both admitted that there were issues all along and no one spent the time to really fix them. Edward was so sure that if he spent time taking care of my basic needs and making me feel loved that he would solve his own fears and worries; but when it didn't it made him think that those worries and fears couldn't be fixed.

I on the other hand think that deep down I was too afraid to open up about my issues because it would be too much for Edward and he would be another in the long list of people that left me. I loved him deeper than I ever thought possible and was too afraid to let him in. I was too afraid to actually call him out on his mistakes and make him fix them; I was worried it would be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

We both had trust issues, we both had fear of rejection issues and we both had communication issues. The good thing, however is that we at least knew what our issues were at this point and we had time to work on them. We both also now knew how harmful it was to not deal with them so we made a pact that no matter how hard or scary it was we would always call the other one out when they slipped back into the old ways of dealing with things. It was certainly progress.

I got to see him two more times and each time it was more relaxed. The last visit we talked about the baby, and nothing else. Edward and I talked about names that we liked; but found that it was hard to do since we didn't know what we were having. We also talked about places to live and things that were in my future. It felt good to have him help me decide about some of those things.

Esme and Carlisle had sat me down to tell me that I was welcome to stay for as long as I wanted and we both thought that was the best idea for now. It would make things so much easier and cheaper for me to stay with them. Besides it would be providing the baby with a more stable family life with all of them around. Esme could also watch our little one while I worked or went to class.

Edward looked great, each time I saw him he was better and better. His face no longer held that hint of sadness or fear. His confidence was through the roof and it just made him all that much sexier to me. His smile did things to me that I shouldn't even be thinking about while sitting in a jail across from him with guards watching.

We talked about how and when he could see the baby. He had petitioned the warden to allow us to bring the baby to see him when it was three months old. That was the earliest that it was possible. It would need to be set up much like our visits are now, for safety reasons. Eleazar had agreed to be present and observe the visit and report back to the warden about it. We would have a three week wait to find out the answer to that petition. Otherwise it would be at two years of age before he would be able to visit with the baby. Edward was afraid that the visit would be denied. He was so scared that with him being here that he would miss out on his child's life. I assured him that he would miss some things but not everything and by the time he got out he would know his child and his child would know him. I would make sure of it.

It was such a pretty spring day. I sat on the front porch rocking in a swing. I noticed the blooms on the trees and all the flowers blooming in front of me. I longed to have my camera with me to take a few pictures. It was a perfect day for it so I dashed inside and grabbed my shoes and camera. I jotted a note for Esme that she would find when she returned from the store and left.

I walked down to the park. I had no need to hurry as I was on maternity leave until the baby came. It surprised me that it came so fast. It seemed like last week and I was running away from our duplex and now I was a few days away from meeting our child for the first time. I had the crib, blankets, clothes and all sorts of other things that you needed to bring a baby home. Really the only thing missing was Edward.

With each letter he sent me I got a feel for his excitement about our future. We talked more in depth about our faults. Edward admitted that his biggest regret was hitting me. The letter served as our precursor to the topics we talked about when I visited him. We both knew these topics were best discussed face to face.

_**I knew walking in that Tuesday that we would talk about the hitting. It was so funny that these topics just a few short months ago would never be brought up by either of us and now we counted down the days till we could discuss them. I understood why he did it and admitted that I had lots to do with the reason but he placed the blame on himself. He promised that he would never lay a hand on me ever again. I promised that I would never provoke him the way I did that night. That visit Eleazar joined us and we talked about a few extra things as well. We talked about our trust issues. Edward confessed that he was always certain that I deserved more than he could offer and was always afraid that I would leave him. I surprised him when I relayed that I was afraid of the very same thing with him. Eleazar talked us through the faults and how our lack of communication came across as jealousy and possessiveness on each of our parts. We discussed the importance of communication again and Eleazar left us alone to talk with each other. **_

_**Edward held my hand and eventually pulled me close. For whatever reason the guards looked the other way and never stopped him. I sighed into his chest and breathed him in deep. He still smelled like him and it comforted me beyond measure. I knew that he was still here, that I could still hold him and still talk to him. No matter what he was still walking the earth with me. The time and distance was only temporary. **_

_**When I pulled away I realized that Edward was crying. This was such a shock to me, I had never seen Edward cry, not once. "Edward?" **_

"_**I just feel so helpless right now. I let you down and our baby down." His hand dropped from around me to focus on rubbing my stomach. "I can't be there, I can't hold the baby as soon as it joins the world." **__**He dropped his head to my shoulder and pulled me close again. "I'm so fucking sorry Bella. Please believe me." He sobbed against me. I ran my fingers through his hair and tried to soothe him. I knew it was a futile effort but I tried anyway. This was his demon that he had to fight. And while I could certainly help, I could never take it down for him. He would have to. I was proud of him for wanting to. I held him until the guards called time again. A quick glance at my watch told me that they had certainly given us as much time together as they possibly could. They never forced us to abide by the two hour time limit. I didn't know whom I had to thank for that but I was certainly willing to express my gratitude to whoever it was. It was never enough no matter how much extra they gave us. **_

I stood off to the side at the park watching the kids play and the trees sway in the wind. I took plenty of pictures and soaked up the sunlight. I couldn't wait to be back in this park with my child, pushing them in the stroller then in the swings later. I wanted to walk hand in hand with Edward and yell for them to slow down and not run so fast.

On my walk home I noticed that the dark, unfulfilled feelings were gone. I no longer seemed weighted down by the things that seemed so large before. I knew that my mother had fucked up in the biggest way. She allowed her snap decisions to rule her life. She was too weak to take charge of them and make the right ones. But that was her destiny, not mine. I was stronger than that. Maybe it was because of Edward's push and maybe it was something that I would have done all on my own, who the hell knows. All I can say is that I'm thankful for taking the first step.

I planned on going to see my grandmother, eventually. I knew that was one of the last steps that I needed to make, Jasper encouraged me to get it done. But a small part of me felt like there was more I needed to accomplish before I could take that step. I truly wanted to show her that I had made something of myself. I knew she would be happy that I was off all of the drugs; but a bigger part of me wanted to shock the hell out of her. To show her that all the insults that she yelled at me were unfounded. I know that I gave her every reason to say them, for whatever reason I pushed her away harder than everyone else. Now, I just wanted her to say that she was proud of me and mean it. I guess deep down inside we are all still small children who want simple things out of life. 

I pushed the front door open and almost skipped inside. I felt so light and free. It only magnified when I heard Esme on the phone with Edward. "Oh wait, here she is. No you tell her, you have time left." Esme practically shoved the phone into my hands while taking all of my other stuff and dumping it on the table in her haste.

"Hello."

"Hey, baby, you okay?" His voice was so sexy. It was pure silk while still being rough sandpaper at the same time.

"I'm perfect, how are you?" The smile was probably infectious because when he spoke again I could hear it in his voice now as well.

"Damn near perfect myself. The warden came by to see me today." I suddenly sat up and took notice. This was the moment we had been waiting for. I held my breath, praying that the answer was the one we wanted. "He said yes, baby." I nearly jumped off of my chair and squealed like a pre-teen at a Justin Bieber concert. Esme's eyes shown with unshed tears and Carlisle came running into the room to make sure everything was okay. He threw his arms out in time to catch Esme as she threw herself at him.

When it was clear that I was going to keep jumping up and down-hard to do in my very pregnant state- and squealing, Carlisle took the phone.

"Son, why are the women in my house falling apart?" I didn't hear what Edward said in response but the smile on Carlisle's face said all I needed to know.

In mid jump a loud pop sounded and my water shot all over the kitchen floor. Esme and I both froze, Carlisle held on to my arms to keep me from slipping in the large amount of fluid now covering the kitchen floor. I yanked the phone away from Carlisle, I felt the need to be connected to Edward at this moment. I have never needed him more than I did right this moment. "Edward, my water just broke."

Panic and fear seized me, as well as a nice healthy contraction. I sat down in the chair that Esme slid towards me and held tight to Carlisle's hand. I needed reassurances right now and if Edward couldn't be there to do it then I would take it from where I could.

"Okay, baby, take a deep breath. It's okay. Goddamn it!" The agitation in his voice belied his pain at not being here with me. "I'm sorry, baby, once again I let you down."

"Hey stop that, this is our child's birthday and we will not be upset about it. Got it?"

Esme rushed back into the room, talking on her phone. I could tell by her phone conversation that she was on the phone with the doctor's office. "Bella, they want you to head over to the hospital." She bit her lip and her eyes squinted at the corners like Edward's. I could see the family resemblance in so many gestures, he was like Esme in so many ways, yet so different in so many as well.

"I don't want to go yet. I want to talk more with Edward." I whined. But it made my statement no less true. I wanted him to know as much and be present for as much as he could.

"Baby, go. I want you both at the hospital in case something comes up. I'll go talk with Eleazar and see what he can do for me. Maybe he can get the okay for me to call you back later at the hospital. Go, please so I don't worry about the both of you." The resolve was there but the anguish was right behind it in his voice.

"Okay, I just don't want to let you go yet." I cried as another contraction hit. Carlisle squeezed my hand. Esme rushed forward and even Gran and Poppy were fluttering around the kitchen.

"I know, I know. Please just get to the hospital. If anything ever happened…Bella just go, please."

"Okay, I'll have someone call as soon as we know something, I promise. I love you." I cried, not because of the pain in my stomach but the pain in my heart. I didn't want to do this without him. I just didn't.

"I know, baby, I love you too. Do good, okay?" His watery chuckle didn't fool me.

Poppy took the phone as Carlisle helped me stand up, Esme led the way out the door with my suitcase. I called Alice and Jasper when we were in the car. They agreed to meet me at the hospital.

A few short hours later, I found myself with my feet in the stirrups and waiting on another contraction to push. Esme on one side and Alice on the other, we all wait to meet the newest member of our crazy, fucked up family. I heard a knock on the door and Carlisle's voice calling out to Esme.

"A little busy here, honey!" She called back.

"Just come and get the cell phone, Edward's on here for Bella." All ears in the room perked up. I couldn't believe that he found a way to call me.

Esme rushed and grabbed it, slammed the door shut and ran back to my side. The phone was out of her hands and into mine before she ever came to a full stop.

"Hello? If's she's busy Dad, I can call back…it's okay…"

"Edward?" His voice stopped when mine rang through.

"How are you? Dad says you're pushing."

"How are you calling me?" He chuckled.

"That's what you want to know right now?"

I felt the beginnings of another contraction and tightened up in automatic response. "Oh shit, it's time." I panted. I could hear Esme and Alice both calling out instructions to me but the only voice that got through to my voice was Edward's.

"Push, Bella. I don't know what I'm supposed to say…just push baby. Get our baby, here. God, I can't wait to see you both."

I grunted and screamed in exertion. I wanted our child here while he was still on the phone and I didn't know how long he had. Dr. Jones called out to me. "Almost out, wow, I can see a head full of hair, take a breath and wait for the next one. That should be the one."

I heard Edward talking to someone, and then his loud excited voice break back into the phone. "I love you so much, Bella. I'm so sorry for not being there."

"How are you calling me?"

His chuckle vibrated through the phone and right to my heart. He seemed so carefree and easy now. "Eleazar took pity on me and let me call from his cell phone during our emergency session. How, do you feel?"

"Like I have a watermelon being shoved out of my pussy, Edward. How do you think I feel?" Again his only response was a chuckle.

"I'm sorry baby. Does it hurt much?"

"It's not so bad, just lots of pressure…oh shit I spoke too soon." I pulled my chin towards my chest and began to push again with all of my might.

"Good job, baby, push. Good job." I heard Edward's soothing voice in my ear while Esme and Alice counted for me.

Dr. Jones called for me to stop pushing.

"Why stop pushing, Bella, what's going on? Is something wrong?" Edward's voice seized in panic.

"Okay, now push again. Let's get it all the way out. One last push, I promise." Dr. Jones' voice answered before I could collect myself enough to even try.

I pushed and sure enough with one last grunt our child was born. With a loud wail from it's lungs, Edward and I both cried out too.

"It's a girl." Dr. Jones called.

I began to cry in earnest. She had a head full of crazy hair like Edward, it was almost his exact color but it was hard to tell because the nurses were still cleaning her off. She looked up at me and opened her bright clear eyes, blinking away the excess light. She looked exactly like Edward, her eyes were a cloudy blue but it seemed that most babies were born with that color so I would wait to see if she would indeed have his clear cool green gaze.

"Oh, Edward she looks like you."

Edward tried to answer but his sob was the only sound I heard. It was mingled with an occasional sob from our sweet little girl as well.

Alice and Esme snapped pictures like we were in an Annie Liebowitz photo shoot. "Alice take one with your phone so we can text it to Edward." Alice grabbed out her iPhone and began to snap pictures with that thing. The switch from one camera to another did not slow her down at all.

"Can we send you some pictures to the phone if that's okay with Eleazar?"

He asked and came right back to our conversation. "He said yeah, he didn't care." I could hear the pride in his voice. He was like a kid in a candy store that was going to get something way before he ever thought he would. Alice took the phone from me long enough to get the number and handed it back. She typed away furiously and began sending pics. Soon I heard Edward and Eleazar gushing at our beautiful baby girl.

"Oh Bella, she so beautiful."

"I know, she looks like you."

The nurses took her and weighted her and finished cleaning her up. She weighed in at 7 pounds and 6 ounces. She was a tiny little thing at 18 inches long.

"She's gonna be built like you Bella." Esme offered.

"I guess that's okay, she'd look kinda goofy if she was built like Edward." We all laughed at that comment.

The nurse called from across the room, "So what's her name?" I bit my lip, I hoped that Edward agreed with what I decided on.

"It's uhm…Eavan Adelyn Cullen." Esme and Alice gasped quietly in the background. The only response I craved was Edward's.

"Bella, that's beautiful, perfect for her. Eavan Adelyn Cullen." His voice worshipped each syllable as he said it.

"You like it? It's not one of the names we talked about but I saw it in the baby name book and loved it. Eavan is Irish it means Beautiful and Adelyn also means noble beauty." It sounded so stupid now to voice it out loud. I just wanted our daughter to know that she was beautiful and loved from the moment we saw her. Even before that. We loved her from the moment we knew about her. She brought us back together; she gave us a reason to try. "When I was a little girl I longed for my mom to tell me that I was beautiful or even a father to tell me. Someone to show me approval, I guess I took that need and wanted to correct that in our daughter." I tried to explain to him.

"No need to explain to me, I love it and think she is worthy of both the names that deem her beautiful. She is beautiful. And so are you." His quiet, deep, clear voice reminded me why I hung on to this relationship. He could be all the things that I needed. We could have it all. We just had to be patient for it.

* * *

**E/N: I was so damn nervous to have this posted today! I don't know why, I hope you all liked it, be sure to let me know! Okay, Till next time...**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry this is so late, real life is kicking my ass this week! I want to thank all of the regular girls, Random, Pee Bee, Adri, Jen and Mary this week. Jen says that I start too many sentences with And and But, so be thankful for her that she cleans them all up!**

**I tried to reply to the reviews from last chapter but ffn is not letting me, so I will send you all a pm to thank you. I hope you don't mind that!**

**I don't have a playlist this week, if a song pops into your head while reading this send me a pm to let me know what it is. I love getting new songs or artists. iTunes really loves me, trust me ;)**

**Several of you have asked how to say Eavan's name, the official Irish-Gaelic name book says that it is just like Evan. I hope that clears that up, thanks for asking.**

* * *

**Chapter 9-**

**Edward**

I sat staring at Eleazar's phone in disbelief. My baby girl was here and she was perfect, I couldn't have asked for more for myself; in fact this was so much more than I deserved. I knew without a doubt that the next two months would be hell on me, just waiting for the day when I could see Eavan in person and the thought of holding her made me want to rush the next two months along.

I remember as a kid waiting for spring break or getting out of school for the summer. Hell, I even remember the time that we went on vacation; the days leading up to us leaving were hard; add to it that I was six at the time it was the hardest thing I had lived through, at the time. None of those things would compare to what I was waiting on now. This was my daughter, my flesh and blood. She was made from the best parts of me and Bella.

She was here!

My mind just couldn't comprehend the fact that I was now someone's father. I was responsible for raising her, teaching her, and loving her. I never sat around much and thought about what my dad did or even my Poppy, now I wished that every word of their advice would flood back to me. It scared me to think that I needed to be smart enough to know when she was lying to me, I needed to know when she was telling the truth and I had to be smart enough to punish her when she needed it. I didn't remember the bits of advice that I was given as a teenager. I didn't even know where to go to get them. I was fucking lost. The smallest amount of doubt started to creep in and take root in my brain. Maybe I was better off leaving them alone, letting them find someone worthy of both of them; a man who didn't have a prison record and who could support them in the way they deserved.

I dropped my head into my hands and felt like crying, it was too much to take in right now. Right now I wasn't there to hold her and bond with her, I wasn't there to care for her and teach her how to live her life; but in a few years I was going to walk out of here and then waltz right into her life and be expected to do all of that. Was she going to hate me for being gone for so many years? Would she like me? Would she love me? I wasn't sure I could do this.

Eleazar dropped his big hand on my shoulder and shook me as he spoke. "Hey, what's running through that head of yours?"

I took in a deep sigh and tried to buy some time, I wasn't sure I could explain it all to him without sounding like a big pussy. "I just don't know if I can do this. I mean, I'm here and they're not. How do I walk in after being gone for several years and make things right? How do I do that?" I dropped my hands and my head again. I had fucked up so much.

"Hey, look." Eleazar just heaved a big sigh. "I don't have the perfect advice here, all I can tell you is that you have to allow your heart to lead you. You know what you did was wrong and you are paying for that. Bella sees the hard work you are doing in here, and she is working just as hard." Eleazar began to pace. He did this when he had a point to make and he wanted to make sure I was receptive to, I had learned this the hard way and tried to make sure to never make that mistake again. I sat up and fully listened to him. "She'll make sure your daughter knows how much you love her. She'll bring Eavan here to see you. You'll have a chance to make yourself known and to make sure that Eavan knows that you love her. Just relax man, take it as it comes, work hard at it and don't let it get you down. You are worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet." He patted me on the back a little harder than necessary but it certainly woke me up.

"Okay, you're right. Worry about this when it happens and not a moment sooner." I flipped open Eleazar's phone again and stared at my baby girl.

After several hours of staring, Eleazar kicked me out of his office so he could go home to his own baby girl. I floated through dinner and laid about three feet off of my bunk for the rest of the night. I dreamt about my two girls. I watched them play in a field of flowers. They ran and played, they laughed and giggled; and at the end of it all they both ran to me and dropped down in my arms. I had never felt more at peace.

The next week was the same. I called Bella as much as I could, and every time we spoke, I could hear my baby girl cooing or crying in the background and the peace I found in my dream remained. When I talked with Bella, it remained. When I listened to them talk or just when I sat and listened to her feed Eavan, it remained.

When Emmett showed up to visit me, it disappeared. I finished my lunch and rushed to the visitation hall, hoping for my mom or dad, really hoping for Bella but I knew that was unlikely. It shocked me to see him to say the least. He hadn't been to see me the entire time I had been in here. In fact we had only spoken once and that was just because he was at mom and dads for dinner, and Mom pretty much guilted him into speaking with me. As far as I was concerned I didn't have anything to say to him anyway so there was no need for him to waste his time by seeing me.

As I approached the table where he sat, he stood and reached a hand out to shake mine. I slowed and stared for a few seconds longer than I guess was comfortable because he dropped his hand. We both dropped to the benches and stared off in space. We stared at different space because I refused to meet his gaze. "Look, I wanted to visit. I don't know how to do this shit. I don't." Emmett stumbled out. I turned to look at him.

" What and you think I do? You think this is how I wanted it to be?" I grabbed a cigarette and crammed it into my mouth, lighting it up. "Sorry that I can't live up to your golden boy status. Sorry that I embarrass you in front of your friends, Emmett. But you know what? I don't answer to you or to them so…fuck you and them." I slapped my hands down on the table and used it as leverage to raise myself up when Emmett reached out and touched my arm.

"I don't…I, fuck. I'm not embarrassed by you, okay?" He stuttered again. My gaze traveled down my arm and up his to his face. He looked older, he looked stunned. He had tears forming in his eyes that he was furiously blinking away. I sat back down. I drew in a deep breath and forced the smoke back out. We sat there, him on one side and me on the other neither of us knowing exactly what we wanted to say. At least I didn't. "I brought you these." He dropped a large envelope of pictures down on the table. I held them up and waited for the guard to come and check them. After he looked them over and handed them back to me. I laid them out on the table and almost swallowed my tongue. It was pictures of Eavan, Eavan and Bella, Eavan and my parents, Eavan and my grandparents. All of them were of my little girl.

I couldn't help the smile that graced my face as I watched almost a full day play out for her. From the moment she woke up to the end of her day and Bella rocking her for bed in her sweet little pajamas. It was my girl.

"Who…who took these?" It was my turn to stutter.

"Rose did. She thought that you should see more of your little girl." Emmett waved his hand at the pictures and then pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a trait that we both got from our dad. "We both thought that you should." I didn't know how to respond to that last part. I didn't know if he really meant it or if he was covering.

I attempted to use some of the shit that Eleazar was trying to teach me. So I went for honest. "Do you mean that?"

"Fuck yeah I mean that. No matter what you did you deserve to know your daughter, to see her. I mean damn, Edward. What kind of person do you think I am?" His hands slapped down onto the table and he tangled them into each other. "We used to be so close. You and me, we're brothers, man. I love you." His voice dropped to a whisper on the last part. I understood and appreciated that shit, I didn't need anyone thinking that I swung that way in jail. I mean they knew about Bella and Eavan but still, when you're away from physical contact for a while it will make some people do things, and I didn't want any of these fuckers to think that I had got to that point. Emmett and I both glanced around to make sure that his voice was quiet enough. "I didn't leave you, you left me. A long time ago so don't pull this shit on me."

I sat back and tried to calm myself before we blew up at each other. I had really had enough of Emmett's shit. It was always Emmett did this or Emmett did that. I was sick of living in Emmett's shadow. He played sports, he got good grades, he was the golden child and I felt like I didn't matter in any way because he was perfect. "Em, you can't tell me that you can honestly blame me for pulling away from you. First of all you had your girl and didn't need me and secondly you never gave me a second thought." I felt just as frustrated as Emmett's face showed he was feeling.

"Edward, really?" I was starting to think that I might need Eleazar's help here. It didn't look like we were going to get real far on our own and I knew this was a relationship that I wanted to repair. In fact other than Bella this one took top priority on my list.

I took a deep breath and tried to start over again. "Look, this is one of those situations that you and I are going to see it two totally different ways here. I have my side of things and you will have yours. Let me start by saying that I never meant to pull away from you. I just…well I couldn't take living in your shadow. I couldn't be all that you were and the pressure of it was killing me." I rubbed both hands across my face. I was proud of myself for getting this far this fast but I wasn't sure that Emmett would be open to this conversation here in this place. It may just be too much.

"I didn't want it either. I'm sorry that you felt that way, I tried really hard to not make those comparisons between us, even if others did compare us. I really did." Em looked like a small child who had lost his favorite toy as his confession made its way out. "You were my baby brother, you could do no wrong to me man." He glanced around again.

"I know but damn." I tried to think of all of the breathing techniques that Eleazar taught me so that I could channel the anger and let it go so we could talk. "It was every-damn-where. Everyone knew you and when they heard my name it was an instant comparison. Then when it started with Dad and Pops, it was too much." I felt the start of tears begin to form.

"Why didn't you ever come to me and tell me how you felt about all of this?" Em held his hands up, a normal gesture but it seemed to hold so much emotion with that simple motion.

"Because I was 16 fucking years old and had no idea how to deal with this shit. I didn't know we could talk like this. I thought it was supposed to be me hating you, you hating me and we both were supposed to hate mom and dad." I reached for another cigarette and lit it. I didn't know what else to do with my hands. The smoke calmed me as it absorbed into my lungs. Soon, I would quit this shit too but first I had to get my issues dealt with and then I would be strong enough to let it all go. "I really just didn't know how else it was supposed to be. Besides it didn't seem like you wanted my opinion when you snatched Charlotte away from me." I threw the issue out in the open, if we were going to solve our shit then we were going to solve it all.

He drew in a deep breath and met my eyes. "Okay, let's talk about that then."

"Why?" It was the only thing I could think to ask him, I needed to know why my own brother would take her away from me. Then he dropped her like a hot rock and never looked back. She wouldn't ever look at me again after that. So yeah, sue me if I wanted to know why the first love of my life was taken away from me.

"Edward, there are things that you didn't know about Charlotte. She had some habits. Some destructive habits; and those habits caused her to do lots of things that she normally wouldn't do. Word around town was that she was pimping herself out the highest bidder for money so she could buy drugs. I didn't want you messed up in that." I had heard the same rumors around but the way she looked at me made me want to think that she didn't want me for that reason. That she felt more. "She probably liked you for you, but I was too scared to allow you near her. I was too worried that you would get sucked in with her. So I picked her up one day when she was walking home from school and made a pass at her. When she acted interested I flipped the script on her. I yelled at her and told her I would tell you that she was doing the whole football team if she ever came around you again. I made her cry and she got out of the car and ran away. It was shitty, Edward, but it was you or her, and I loved you more." He sat back in the seat and ran his hands through his hair.

I tried to take in the words that Emmett had just spoken to me. All this time I thought it was because he just was too worried about his own dick to look out for my feelings and it turns out that he was looking out for me all along. I mean hell, look at me now, who knows how bad it would be if I had been introduced into this lifestyle earlier. Most of my anger stemmed from that incidence and the other petty shit just added to it. And now to find out that the one thing I wanted from him was the motivation for the entire change in our relationship. When I looked up at Emmett he was staring back at me. His eyes pleading me to say the words I'm sure he had waited for so long to hear.

"Em…fuck." I started. I wanted to let it go, be the bigger person but years of hurt just didn't go away in a few seconds. "Why didn't you tell me then?" I realized that all this time I sat and let my cigarette burn down to nothing. I had only taken one drag off of it, but my brain was just too occupied with the revelations to worry about it, so I lit another.

"I was scared. Scared you wouldn't stay away from her, scared you wouldn't understand, scared that you would hate me and not speak to me anymore." He chuckled a little under his breath. "I guess I should have just come clean 'cause it doesn't look like my way got me real far, huh?"

"You can still hate me if you want, I know I fucked up. But please believe me when I say that I did it for you. I swear." He had leaned forward as far as the table would allow him, so I sat back a little. I wasn't sure if I was really ready to forgive him.

"I guess I'm certainly no one to judge how bad people fuck up, I mean look at me."

"Yeah, so lay off dude!" Emmett fake punched me in the shoulder and we both started to laugh. I knew that this was not solved but at this point it was okay for now. I could live with it. I would need time to figure out how I felt about it anyway.

"So tell me about Eavan." I grabbed the pictures again and flipped through them.

"Man, she is the greatest baby in the world. I mean really, I know she's not mine but she makes me think that this baby thing might be okay to try. She has the cutest cry and when you pick her up she stops. I mean stops cold, no slow down or nothing just stops." His hands waved around proudly like he was the father and not the uncle. My heart swelled knowing that my family felt for my girl the things that I felt for her. Emmett began to tell me all these cute stories about things she had done and all I could do was sit back and watch him come alive while telling me. My heart told me that a man who could love my child in this amounts could not hold any hate in his heart for me. I knew that without a doubt we would be good, I just needed some time to work things out in my mind.

When my time was up I stood and hugged Emmett goodbye. "I promised that I will be back soon." He said as he hugged me and gave the manly pat on the back.

"You better! Tell Rosalie thanks for the pictures, they mean more than she will ever know. I know that Bella won't have time to think of things like that for awhile, so it means a lot."

"Sure, like I said everyone deserves to know their kid, especially when their kid is so great." He smiled again and you could see the love there.

"Yeah 'cause she takes after me." I faked punched him this time and we both broke out in a good cleansing laughter.

I made my way back down the hall and showed the pictures of my girls to anyone that would look! I stopped Eleazar and showed him as well. He asked me about the visit with Emmett and made me promise to come and see him so we could talk about the new developments. I agreed and rushed off to my bunk to write Bella. I changed my mind half way and turned towards the phones. I dialed my mom and dad's house. When it was answered, I heard Eavan crying in the back ground.

"Hello?" My dad sounded frustrated.

"Dad, what's wrong, why is Eavan crying?"

"Bella took a walk and it's time for her to eat, so she is being impatient. She is just used to getting her way, that's all." I heard Eavan being shushed and heard her immediate response by quieting. I was in awe of her from afar.

My chest began to tighten when I thought of Bella and worried that something may have happened to her on her walk. "Is Bella supposed to be back by now?"

"Nah, your girl is just impatient, that's all." Dad cooed at her while he talked to me.

"Is it safe for her to be out there alone and all I mean, she did just have a baby." Panic flooded me at the thought of something happening to her and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.

"Edward, she's not alone. Alice came by, they walk each afternoon together, so Bella can get some exercise and a breather, they call it 'girl time'. Sometimes even your mother goes. Today she took Pops to the doctor so just Bella and Alice went." I sat quiet for a few minutes, listening to my dad coo at Eavan and thinking about the life Bella had without me.

"Is she doing okay, really?" My voice softened when I asked.

"She is son, she really is. I'm really proud of her." He shifted the phone and coo'd at Eavan again before continuing on. "She has done so well at school and now you should see her with Eavan. She just knows what to do for her, she's perfect at it." He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She's trying for you, to do something that you'll be proud of her for and for Eavan as well. Don't let her down okay?" I thought this over and realized that all of my actions centered around one thought, would Bella and Eavan be proud of what I'm about to do? "I don't mean that you're not trying but it's hard when I see her everyday and not you. You know?" I ran my hand through my hair as I took in what he was saying.

"Yeah I do, and I thank you for looking out for her, it's about time someone put her first." I took a deep shuttering breath. "Thanks for that, I swear I'm trying here."

"I know you are, son, I know." As the awkward pause began I heard a noise and prayed that it was Bella coming back. I was just so scared for her to be out alone, even if she was with Alice.

"Speak of the devil, here she is." I heard dad say 'it's Edward, you talk to him and I'll hold the little pumpkin a little longer, okay?'

"Edward?" Her sweet voice sounded so close but my heart told me she was so far away.

"Hey baby, how are you?" I wanted her close to me; I wanted to be there with her.

"Fine, Alice and I go walking every evening for a little while. Esme says it does me and her both some good when I take a little time for myself. I don't like to be gone that long though." She chuckled.

"Dad told me, it's fine Bella you can't be with her twenty-four hours a day. You deserve some time with your girls." I chuckled at dad's words.

"Oh, I see you have been talking to your dad. Well smarty you'll appreciate the walks when you get out and I'm not a fat ass, so there." She blew a raspberry into the phone at me. I turned towards the wall and hid the semi woody she gave me when she mentioned her ass, no matter if it was fat or not.

"Bella." I groaned while she laughed at me.

"Sorry, I didn't think about that before I said it." She chuckled some more at me while I thought of the time I walked in on Grans getting out of the shower. "Hey, Eavan is really hungry and I think I should go and feed her." I heard the indecision in her voice about the end of the conversation.

"I have time, can you take her upstairs and use the cordless up there so we can talk some more?" I really wanted to be with her, even if it was in this simple way.

"Sure, give me a few, I'll have your dad hang up down here when I get up there." She dropped the phone down on the table. I knew this drill; we had two phones in the house. The one in the kitchen was still attached to the wall, it sounded crazy in this day and age but for whatever reason my parents never changed that one out. The one at the top of the stairs was cordless, as teens Emmett and I made the same trek as Bella was making now. We would run upstairs and yell at the top of our lungs for whoever was downstairs to hang up so we could talk in private. When you're a teenager there aren't too many conversations that you want to hold while attached to the kitchen wall with your parents in hearing distance.

Soon enough I heard Bella pick up and dad hang up. It was just the three of us. Bella positioned Eavan and began to breast feed her, all the while her noises filling me in on what was happening even without Bella's running commentary. Once Eavan was properly situated, we talked about our day. I relayed Emmett's visit and Bella seemed overjoyed at the thought of the two of us repairing our relationship. I looked forward to the bond we used to have and getting that back again but I was too just too damn big a pussy to tell her so. She relayed every detail of her day with Eavan. I was blown away at how her instincts were so strong when she had the shittiest mothers of all times. I told her that fact and she just brushed it off. "Edward, it's a matter of loving them enough to get to know them."

"What do you mean getting to know them?" I asked, kinda stumped at that comment.

"Well, see I know that Eavan sleeps better if you wrap her up tight in her swaddler. I know that she likes to look at your face when you talk to her, not look out at the room. I know that she likes for you to rock her and you can rock then sway gently from side to side to soothe her when she gets upset or too tired to calm her down. It's almost as if she is soothed better by actions than words or songs." Bella paused for a second like something had just occurred to her but continued before I could ask her why. "And see, I know those things about her because I love her and pay attention to what she likes and doesn't like. Those are a few things that your mom taught me. I sure as hell didn't learn it from my mom." She sounded frustrated again.

"Hey, it was her mistake not yours. Okay?" I wanted to soothe Bella and hoped that my words were enough; God knows there was nothing else I had to offer her at this moment. I felt so damn helpless. She told me all about Eavan, and her day, she told me little things that went on in her life. I couldn't reciprocate any of those damn things. I couldn't be there with her laughing, crying or just holding her to help her get through all of those times. It was so funny the irony in my life now, years ago I would rather walk out on a situation than to sit and talk about it and now, hell, that was all I had was my words. "I just hate that I'm missing out on those things with you."

"It will happen for you, I swear it will. She will love and know you. Talk to her." I started to sputter but Bella stopped me. I saw no point in talking to her when Bella just said that she responded to touch, and movement better but I would do anything to feel closer to my daughter. "Talk to her so she can hear you and know you. Just tell her anything, she a good listener."

"Okay, put the phone up to her." When I was sure that it was Eavan on the phone, I began to talk to her. It was funny the shit I told her but I knew what Bella was saying, it doesn't matter what I say just that I took the time to talk to her. The fact that she will know my voice. Pure and simple that we knew each other.

Bella came back to the phone after about twenty minutes. I had moved on from talking to singing to her. I sang each slow, peaceful song I could think of. "Hey, you put her to sleep. Good job, daddy." I heard Bella moving around. "She usually gets her bath now but someone nixed that idea. Guess she'll make it to tomorrow without a bath." I heard her changing her and I guess putting on her pajamas. She kissed her little head as I heard the lip smacks before she said, "We love you princess, sweet dreams."

I let Bella go so she could get some sleep as well. My life was starting to make sense and all I could think about was getting the hell out of here before it passed me by and I couldn't do a damn thing about joining in on it.

* * *

**Leave me some love and I will send you a reply with my fav fic of the week! I do love to share ;)**

**Till next time...**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Okay so here is another chapter for you all. I have to say thank you and a big old I love you to Jen cause she didn't kill me when I forgot to send her the chapter till after 11 pm last night! I swear I have Alzheimer's or something. More thanks to Random, Adri, and Pee Bee for reading this over for me. I swear, it really does take a village, lol! Love you girls so much!**

**I swear I'm trying my best to respond to your reviews, I'm still having some trouble responding so I will do the best I can. I may have to do pm's this week as well. Just know that I love to hear from you and read every single one. **

**I do have a playlist this week and as soon as I post this I am heading over to polyvore to try to get some sets done to catch this thing up, I swear real life has been so damn busy lately! **

**Playlist: Amazed- Lonestar, Wasted Years-Cold, Tangled Up in You- Aaron Lewis, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word-Elton John, When You're Young- 3 Doors Down, The Hard Way- Keith Urban**

**Okay...it's all E this week**

* * *

**Chapter 10-**

**Edward**

I had been lying in bed almost all night, awake, wide awake. I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking of Bella taking care of Eavan by herself. No one was there to help her at two am when Eavan was waking up again, no one was there to help her when she was exhausted and just needed a hand.

I had flashbacks of my life and was now able to see all of the ways that things had gone to hell. I saw the times when I could have turned left instead of right and my life would have changed drastically. On the other had, making different decisions meant that I might not have ever met Bella and that was the one thing that I would never regret, especially knowing that if I had not met Bella we would not have Eavan. I grabbed my baby girl's picture and ran my finger over her sweet face. Looking at her told me that I couldn't regret any of it, it all was worth it if I could spend the rest of my life with them.

I laid the picture of Eavan back down on the shelf and folded my hands over my chest. I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep, I knew I needed to sleep; I just couldn't seem to clear my mind of all the bad enough to relax enough to achieve it.

When my eyes drifted close this time I tried to think of the good. I thought of the time when I realized that I was in love with her. Let's be honest I'm a guy and a pretty ass-o-holic one at that; at least I used to be most of the time; so things with Bella and I were never sweet, romantic or even gentle, but I did try to show her that I loved her. Looking back now I see that they were the wrong forms of love but at the time, it was all I had.

_**I had rushed home from work. Several people came to me, needing their little pick me ups before the weekend hit. So I had to make a stop on the way home. I quickly made all of the deliveries and rushed back to Bella. Part of my cut for this shit was some new pills that I knew Bella would love. **_

_**I rushed in and found her lying on her stomach, knees bent with her feet crossed up in the air. She was engrossed in some cheap romance novel. I stood watching her from the doorway, she twirled her hair around her finger and blew bubbles with the gum she had in her mouth. She was wearing a pair of my boxers that were rolled down at the waist and a wife beater that was probably mine as well. **_

_**My eyes roamed over the flair of her hips and the swell of her ass. I watched her back rise and fall with each breath, her breasts squished between her and the couch. My mouth watered just remembering how they tasted in my mouth. **_

_**I dug a small white pill out of the bag and palmed it. The rest of the bag I shoved into my jacket pocket. Bella's eyes twisted to mine when she caught my movement in the doorway. Her sweet eyes lit up and she made move to sit up. By then I was right next to her and slid the pill into her mouth. I handed her the beer that was on the coffee table so she could swallow it without difficulty. Her eyes closed when she swallowed and pure bliss passed over her face. I took the book from her hands and laid it open on the coffee table beside the discarded beer. Bella folded her arms and laid her head down on top of them. Her breasts called out to me so I ran a finger down the swell that peeked out the side of her body and saw her shiver at the touch. I grabbed her leg and used it to flip her over onto her back. Her hands remained above her head; one of my large hands dropped down onto both of hers and held them in place. **_

_**Bella's eyes dilated, and I could tell that the drug had already wreaked its havoc on her body and mind. Her legs dropped open slightly; this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up. I slid my hand up the wide opening that my boxer leg provided. Two fingers pushed into her and she arched her back up off of the couch. I bit her nipple through the thin shirt, it pebbled up immediately. Her body was so responsive and I loved to see how she reacted when I touched her.**_

In my head I called her Muirnin. It's what Pops always called Gran. It means sweetheart in Gaelic. Gran's face always lit up when he called her that. I wanted to see Bella's face light up that way but I was too chicken shit to ever come out and say it to her. We just weren't that couple, at least we weren't back then. I think what it boiled down to was that I was too afraid to open up to Bella. If I showed her that side and she didn't like it…well that would change what we had, and to be honest what we had was the only thing holding me to the earth. She was the only thing holding me to this earth. I had given up on the rest of it. I would never be a suave gentleman like Pops, I would never be a hard working, valuable employee like my dad and I certainly would never be the likable athlete that Emmett was. I was the asshole, a tough, tattooed asshole. That was what I had and I used it every chance I could. Truth be told, deep down inside I wanted to be all of those, it just never came to pass.

_**I took my hands off of Bella and ripped the wife beater she was wearing right down the middle. My tongue roughly licked at her nipples. The hardened little peaks let me know that she liked the aggression. "You like it rough baby?" I panted against her nipples. She smelled so good. How the hell she always smelled so good when we never had shit to make her smell that good was beyond me. **_

"_**Unf." Bella's head thrashed and I felt her body closing in on my fingers. I knew she was close. I may not ever buy my girl flowers or jewelry but I could give her this. This I was good at. I increased my pace and bent my finger forward. I watched her thrashing increase. **_

"_**Fuck yeah, baby. You wanna come don't you?" Her head stopped thrashing as she nodded it up and down. "Not yet you don't." I pulled out and dropped down onto the floor beside her body. I grabbed her legs roughly and pulled her towards me. The boxers were also ripped off, but who the fuck cares about them when my girl's pussy was inside and I was dying to get to it. I threw her legs over my shoulders and let her feet rest on the coffee table behind me. I licked her, keeping my eyes locked with hers. Her moans increased and she raised her ass up to meet my mouth. So, I licked her again, slower this time. **_

"_**Please…" I was pleased that I knew her well enough to make her beg. I loved to hear her pant and sigh in pure sexual bliss combined with the torture of waiting to come. **_

_**I attached my mouth right on her clit, my thumb just above it holding her lips out of the way, my fingers dove deep back inside of her. The moans became full on shouts and her thrashing began to get wild. My fingers pumped until I felt that tell tale tightening again. I pulled out again; Bella groaned in frustration, I smiled because I knew what I had planned for her. I took one hand and spread her lips open wider and the other hand and traced around her opening in slow circles. My mouth slid back over her clit and sucked while I flicked it with my tongue. Bella's legs tightened around my head. My finger slowly dipped slightly in and out of her, never in far enough to give her the satisfaction that she wanted. I backed away and watched Bella's pussy pulse with her need and excitement. I flattened my tongue and gave her clit a few more slow licks, then suddenly curled my fingers inside her and rubbed her just the way she liked it. She came all over my fingers and into my mouth with shouts of joy and release. I loved watching her when she came. All of her problems melted away and she was in a state of true bliss for just a few seconds while the feeling lasted. **_

_**I unbuckled my belt and pushed my jeans down. No worries about any underwear, hell I gave up wearing those long ago. Bella never did the fucking laundry enough to have clean ones so I just stopped wearing them. Her pussy was still quivering when I lined myself up and slid home. Bella gasped and tightened her legs around my waist. **_

"_**Oh, fuck yeah, fuck me." She growled. I leaned down and kissed her dirty mouth with mine. She sucked my tongue into her mouth and cleaned herself off of me. "God, I love to taste myself on you." This was not a fact that surprised me at all. Every single time I went down on Bella she sucked it off of my tongue.**_

"_**Then come here." I pulled out and stood up, my dick swinging right in front of her face. She pulled me closer and wrapped her hand around me. She pumped the base while her head bobbed down over my head. Bella's fucking mouth was pure wonder, she could suck me off in no time flat. This was the first time I had tried this but the extra incentive her tasting herself on me was certainly not hurting anything. She was sucking harder, wrapping her tongue around the head and getting into every crevice where her juices could've hid. I placed my hand on the back of her head and tangled my hand in her soft hair. Bella relaxed her jaw and allowed me to begin the rhythm that would bring me my happiness. I pumped into her mouth slow but deeply. I felt the buzz, the electricity, the hum spread throughout my body and focus it's power right in my balls. I moved deeper in her mouth and began to pulse in and out, relishing the feel of the back of her throat bumping my cock. Before I could say a word I shot my load deep into Bella's throat and I felt her swallow around me. The tightness of her swallowing was almost enough to make me want to blow another load into her. **_

While the sex was always hot between us I recognized it for what it was. SEX. There was no love, no love making and I felt that Bella deserved to have someone make love to her.

I threw my palms over my eyes and pushed as hard as I could. I prayed that she would give me another chance. I wanted to show her that I could be decent to her, to be worthy of her. I knew that no matter how hard I tried I would never be perfect but I knew that I could be better than I ever was. I also prayed that I would have all of my new habits in place by the time I got out of here so that I could rely on my routines to help keep me straight. That was the part that always scared the shit out of me…the failing.

I stood abruptly and paced around the cell. Eleazar and I discussed the setbacks and how to deal with them but they still scared me. I knew without a doubt that I wouldn't relapse in jail but out there…back to my old life, with my old friends. I had no idea how I would do. I knew that I had the keys to cope better than before but could I withstand, out right withstand all of my old vices? I knew that I had more inspiration than ever before and I would rely on her to help me make it through. I would never put Eavan through what Bella went through, I would give my life to make sure that she lived better.

I dropped back to the thin mattress and begged for sleep, anything to take me away from the hopelessness that I felt right now.

I stepped into the visitation room and scanned the tables for someone that belonged to me. I noticed my dad sitting in the far corner, for whatever reason he always sat there. I guess it made him feel safer, who the hell knows. I was just thankful for his visit.

After Eavan's arrival, three weeks ago, I spent most nights thinking about her and Bella, but I also spent a great deal of time thinking about my mom and dad. Emmett's visit showed me that what I always thought to be truth was in fact smoke and mirrors. So now I needed to know where I stood with them as well. I rushed to his side and gave him a hug. He patted my back and we stepped away from each other. His smile was large as we sat across from each other and began to talk.

"How's Eavan?" I asked. Dad laughed at my quick questioning.

"She is growing like a weed and she looks just like her momma but with her daddy's hair." He ruffled mine and I couldn't help but laugh. It pleased me that she had some of my features even if I'd always hated the part she inherited. "I brought you some more pictures." He handed them over to me and I held them up for the guard to search through. I had no idea why they thought my parents would bring me any porn or contraband but I guess it has happened enough that they couldn't take any chances anymore. The guard searched them and several times a small smile crossed his face. Each time made me more anxious to see what they held.

Picture by picture my smile grew larger than the guards. This was my daughter and I could see so much of Bella in her. My dad's words brought me out of my Eavan induced daze.

"Emmett tells me that he came to see you. How did that go?" He looked reluctant.

"Very well, actually, it was the first time since we were older than ten that we talked to each other. I had him pegged so wrong. So wrong." I shook my head at all the ways that I was incorrect about Emmett.

"How so?" My dad pushed.

"Well, I always thought that he hated me and wanted me out of the way. I thought that you guys compared me to him and I always felt like I never measured up at all. Those two things were a large part of my anger. Emmett set me straight." I left it at that. What Em and I shared with each other was between us and I knew that my dad would respect that. He would be satisfied with just knowing we had made amends. Nothing more was needed.

We sat for a few minutes in silence, it wasn't necessarily awkward but I did wish we had 'things' to talk about, every day things, ordinary things. I guess I couldn't complain, we were talking after all. That was a huge improvement over a year ago. We didn't speak at all then. Funny thing is that he came to me, he forgave me when I was the one that caused it all. The night the fire happened he came to the station and didn't leave my side till the cops kicked him out. He never let the so called issues I'd built up in my head keep him from being there for me. I felt unworthy of his love. Yet at the same time after seeing Eavan, I knew exactly what he felt. I didn't know if the love grew bigger over the years or what but I certainly knew that I would do anything for my daughter and I could see the same dedication in his eyes. I wanted to throw my hands up because now I could see the devotion, when it was too late to stop the madness that circled around us; but I also saw the acceptance in his eyes as well, the acceptance that showed me that he would gladly take me in when I was done paying my debt. I reached over and gripped his forearm and gave a slight squeeze to it. His eyes met mine and our souls talked with just that small contact. He smiled and laid his hand on mine. After a second he snapped it away and we began to talk like nothing happened.

"So, I talked with Eleazar today. He had an interesting suggestion for my career focus."

"Oh, yeah? What did he suggest?" My dad asked. His thumb nail sliding along a groove that someone else had carved into the ancient tables.

"Well, see I have been working with him and a few of the younger guys that have come in here. Eleazar asked me to talk to them about why they were here and all. So, I did." I half shrugged, not really sure if I should offer more or if he would understand based on what I said.

"How did that go?" His thumb was now still, he directed all of his focus on me. I felt like I should square my shoulders and hold my head higher. His confidence in me boosted me up and gave me the strength to say the rest.

"It went great, I loved it. I didn't solve all of their problems by any means, but hell it did help. One kid told me to my face that it helped. He said the only people he'd talked to before were pompous stuffed shirt assholes who didn't know shit about where he came from so why should he listen to them telling him how to get the hell out of there? But he said since I had been, that it was easy to believe that he could climb his way out too." I paused. I wanted to finish, I wanted to tell my dad how I went back to my cell and cried. For the first time in my life I cried. I couldn't fucking help it, he made me feel worthy. He made me feel like I had hope, a way, a life that was better than greasy carburetors and alternators for the rest of my life. I meant something to him and I fucking cried over that shit.

"But?"

"Nah, no but. I just….I just felt, I don't know. I felt like I was somebody. Like I was here to do something and not just waste away in some garage fixing cars that will only be back the next month with a new problem. I did that." I grabbed a cigarette and stuck that bitch to my mouth. I moved the pack around and looked for a way to light it when my dad's hands flicked up and lit it for me. I paused mid drag on the cigarette and met his eyes. They sparkled with amusement, wonder and something else but I wasn't sure what that one was. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing, I've just never heard you talk like this before, it's good. Real good." I drew in and held the smoke in my lungs. "I thought you were going to quit those things." He stated patting the pack that still lay on the table and effectively redirecting the conversation.

"Yeah well when you take away a good woman, a good shower and good food what the fuck else does a man have?" He laughed with me and gave a half hearted punch to my arm.

"Fine, but eventually give those up okay?"

I heard the shuffling of feet and realized that our time was over; somehow we had talked for two hours together. I don't think that up till this point we'd spoken two whole hours of conversation since the time I was ten until the night of the fire. It felt good, I felt close to him. He stood and came around the table. He embraced me and I wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm proud of you son. More than you will ever know." I heard the tears in his voice and I squeezed him harder.

"Thanks, dad. I love you." The words flew out there before I could process them. It was truly a matter of my heart speaking for me.

"I love you too, Edward. I think Eleazar has a great idea there, look into it, okay?" His words were muffled by the emotion and hindrance of speaking into my shoulder, but I understood every word and felt them without any barriers.

"I will, dad. I will." He backed away and turned to walk through the doors that would take him back home. He turned and looked at me again, he smiled, he waved and he left.

I walked out feeling lighter, freer and ready to really pursue my new focus. Helping others.

I ran all the way to Eleazar's office and waited for him to finish up with his session. It was ten minutes till the hour so I knew that I didn't have to wait that long. When at last the door opened and he stepped out I stood and almost charged at him. My anxiousness to tell him my decision fueled my body.

"Come in Edward, is everything all right?" He ushered me in and wrote my name in the sign in book before he closed the door.

"I saw my dad today." The rush of my voice could have been mistaken for anxiety so I wasn't surprised when Eleazar's brows began to scrunch up and he grabbed his pad. He flipped to a whole new page and began to write. "No, not in a bad way, actually, in a great way. We talked, about lots of things. I told him about helping out with the younger guys and how it made me feel." Eleazar raised his eyebrows at this remark but I just rolled my eyes at him. It was his fault; he was the one that kept asking me how I felt about things until I told him. He couldn't blame me now if I was analyzing my own feelings and asking the guys how they felt.

"So, what did your dad say about this?" He never looked up at me, he kept writing on his pad. I used to think that was a bad sign but surely today it had to mean good things, progress or something.

"He said it seemed like a great idea. If I was happy with that decision then he would be."

"He said that?" Eleazar's eyebrows now shot up and almost touched in the middle.

"Well not in so many words, he said, 'I think Eleazar has a great idea, look into that, okay?', so that's what I'm doing. I'm here to look into that." Eleazar's smile foretold his happiness at this decision and we spent the next hour talking about courses and which online school to look into to pursue my new dream.

When I was done at his office, I ran back to my cell and drug out my trusty pen and paper. I had to tell Bella. I was kicking myself now for not telling dad to tell her that I would call her tonight. We had been talking every other night and this was an off night for us, but tonight of all nights I needed to talk to her, I needed to share with her. About three lines into the letter I realized that my head was way ahead of my hand. So I stopped, I looked over at the clock. We still have an hour and a half before our dinner was served. That was plenty of time to call Bella. If nothing else I could leave her a message that I would call her back later tonight.

When the phone rang I got nervous again. I was relieved to have my mom answer it. We talked for a little while and caught up, actually she caught me up on all of the cute antics Eavan pulled each day and I listened. After a few minutes I asked if Bella was home. Mom said goodbye to me and went to get her so we could talk as well.

"Edward, is everything okay? Why are you calling me tonight, this is our off night, what's wrong?" her voice was dialed up a notch.

"I'm fine, I just had something to tell you, and it wasn't coming across in a letter well so I decided to call instead. I'm sorry, I didn't think about how this would look to you." I ran a hand through my hair.

"It's okay, if you are fine then I can calm down. So what's your good news?" Bella's sweet voice called to me.

"How do you know it's good news?" I asked, amazed how well this playful side fit with us.

"Well your voice tells me it is, so spill."

"First tell me about my baby girl's day." I relaxed into the plastic chair that was beside the phone.

"Well she spit all over me, she has learned to blow a raspberry and she did it all day long. That girl will have some powerful lips by the time she is done with this. I had baby spit in my hair and all down the front of my shirt." Bella sighed.

"Yeah I saw the pictures that dad brought, one had her little face drawn up and her tongue stuck out with her clearly blowing a raspberry. She's beautiful, Bella." The last three words were spoken in seriousness, while the first part was said in fun.

"She really is." It felt good that Bella agreed with me. It felt like we were finally on the same page, I don't know why this one small agreement seemed to change it all but it did. In my eyes anyway.

* * *

**So...what did you think?**

**A few rec's this week: Fight Like A Girl by katie marieeee, Edward Cullen:A Work In Progress by tufano 79, and Coincidental Major by m7707 (this is E's pov of Major Misconduct and I have to say I love him all the more now after reading this from his point of view!) All three are on my fav's stories on my profile. I have a blog as well, link on my profile. **

**Till next time...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay all here it is...it has been a crazy week and I don't have a playlist. So how about this, you all send me song that you think of when you read this chapter. I love getting new songs and artist so this is your chance to show me what you got. I will add them to my next chapter for the rest of the readers to see. Sound good? Sounds good to me too!**

**Thanks to all of the same people cause once again they prettied up my stuff for you guys to read and not cringe. Jen, Pee Bee, Adri, Random- I love you all and thanks! To all the readers and reviewers, favers, alerters and any other action you can take that shows me your love...thanks from the bottom of my heart. It is overwhelming and I appreciate all of you!**

**The flashbacks are in italics this chapter, jsyk!  
**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**Bella**

As I sat and rocked Eavan back to sleep after she woke to eat, I couldn't help thinking that in just a few hours I would put her in her car seat and drive her to see her Daddy for the very first time. I gazed at my daughter and I could see how much she she'd grown and how much she had changed in her 3 short months in this world; but I worried that Edward would not. I worried that seeing her would make him realize all that he was missing out and that it would bring back all the pain again, bring back all the ways he had fucked up and why he was there and not here with us! I just hoped that he turned that into a positive and made him want to be better, for her, for us.

I thought back to the conversation that Carlisle and I had shared the other night.

_He had slipped out onto the porch and quietly sat down on the swing beside me. I knew him well enough by now to know that he wanted to talk. I also knew he was like Edward in that he needed time to open up and get to what he wants to say. So I just sat and waited for him to talk to me._

_He took a deep breath and began to speak. "So you take Eavan to see Edward in a couple of _two_ days." He let his sentence drop between us and I didn't understand if it was a question or a statement. _

"_Yeah." I pulled my foot up onto the seat and hugged my knee. _

"_How do you think he is going to be with that?" Carlisle scratched the back of his neck and turned his head to look at me. His eyes full of fear. _

"_I, I don't know." I wanted to look away, anywhere else but _into _Carlisle's eyes. His fear was leaking out and causing mine to leap to the surface. I worried now that this was a terrible idea. I mean he could talk to her over the phone, he already had. Surely that would be enough for now. I just didn't want anything to kill all of the progress _he'd_ made. "I was sitting here thinking of the same thing. I don't know how he will react." I ran a hand through my hair. "I mean on one hand it could boost his confidence and make him see his reason for carrying on but on the other it could make him feel like shit. I just don't want to be the cause of him having a setback." I blew out the breath I was holding in. _

"_Well, Bella, there is one thing I've learned as a person and a parent. You just have to do the best you can and let the other person make their decision. Edward is going take it however he takes it and that is not your fault_!_ He has to make his own decisions, you can't make them for him." He patted my leg. _

"_I know. I just want the best for him."_

"_We know that and we love you all the more for that fact. And maybe it's because we see your progress every day and we don't with Edward, but he is going to have to face something that is hard. This is a hurdle he needs to face. Don't underestimate him, Bella. He is strong enough to do this. You just have faith and stay strong for him." Carlisle patted my leg again and stood up from the swing. _

Lying Eavan back in her crib, I realized that Carlisle was right and there was no way of knowing how Edward would do if he never faced something hard, that it was a bridge we would cross tomorrow; and truth be told besides I was super excited to see him with Eavan. I couldn't wait to see him hold his daughter for the first time. I wanted him to experience her as a baby and to be able to kiss her and tell her that he loves her, face to face; he deserves that much, and more.

The next morning when I woke up, I rushed through getting myself ready. I chose the right outfit and made sure that my hair and makeup were perfect. I stood back and looked at myself in the mirror. I marveled at how much everything had changed in the last ten and a half months. Edward burned down our house, and went to jail, I discovered I was pregnant and alone, Edward and I repaired our relationship and Eavan was born. I shook my head at the things that before would've broken me and now I stood and met them head on. As I drove to the prison I thought back to the visit with Edward where we talked more in details about his cheating and how it made me feel.

_I had known going into that visit that I wanted to talk with him about his cheating. I had even called Eleazar so that he would meet me there and we could talk about it with his help. Jasper and I had talked about nothing else for the two weeks after Edward told me with his own mouth that he had cheated on me. I held the pain and confusion in while I was with him. I wanted him to feel safe to be honest with me and I knew that if I blew up then he would remember the reaction and not feel comfortable telling me the truth again, and that would accomplish nothing for us so as hard as it was, I held it in. I had tried to pretend that he was not talking about us, I felt like it would help if I acted like he spoke about strangers and looked at it from an outsiders point of view. _

_Jasper really helped me understand and come to terms with things, I had called him when I had gotten home and was alone. He realized how much I would need to talk to someone face to face so after some reluctance I gave in and let him come and get me. He had taken me back to their apartment and Alice made dinner. We ate in silence and then sat on the couch together. Alice on my right holding my hand, Jasper sat across from us. He said he liked to be able to see my reactions as well as my words. He approached the conversation as my friend, not my therapist, he didn't get out his pen or his pad, we just talked. _

"_Bella, how did it go?" Alice began to draw soothing circles on the back of my hand when I tensed at Jasper's words. _

"_Well, he did admit to it, and I guess I'm feeling a little stupid for being upset because deep down inside I always knew he had, but hearing the words, made it seem so real, and I don't understand how just hearing something could do this to me." I waved a hand around my trembling body. The emotions were now too great to bottle up inside any longer. _

"_Bella, sweetie, just because you felt like you knew doesn't make the words any easier to hear. This is a big deal between you both. You felt like he was the one that you could trust and to hear that he betrayed that trust is hurtful to anyone, not just you. This is a normal reaction, stop second guessing yourself and questioning what you are or are not allowed to feel." Jasper sat forward and leaned his arms on his knees. I knew he was dying to hold my hand, he always held my hand when we talked about something that he knew would upset me. It was nice to feel that kind of brotherly connection to someone, not that I knew for sure what that would feel like but when Jasper comforted me in that way, it was how I thought it would feel if I really did have a big brother. _

"_I know, really I do, but it is just hard because I think back to my mother and the craziness that was her life, and some of the things that she used to say to me and I wonder if I really feel this way and if it is normal to feel this way or if I'm just giving in to the craziness that she lived. She used to tell me things like 'Just wait I was fine at your age too, but when you get to my then you will get sucked into the insane life I live as well!' I always question if the situation is really crazy or if I am in fact getting sucked into her insanity and will end up nuts like her. I just…I can't trust myself sometimes." I could see the tears running down Alice's face. She didn't attempt to wipe them away and I didn't attempt to curb mine! For once I felt like it was okay to show what I felt, they made me feel safe to show what I felt. I was so damn thankful for Alice and Jasper. _

"_The situation with Edward hurts so much, I mean I know that we were both stoned out of our minds and while that is no excuse, I do think that plays a large part of why things happened the way they did. I know that I was guilty too, I mean, hell, I flirted with every single guy around. I just wanted to feel something, to know that even if it was just for that second someone else found me worthy of his time. I felt that with Edward off and on but, I guess deep down inside I never thought I was good enough for him and knew that I should find someone else to take his place so when he realized that I was damaged and tossed me aside then I would have a fall back plan." I stood and began to pace, the emotions were too much to contain by sitting still any longer. Alice and Jasper watched me move around like they were at Wimbledon. "Then I would feel like shit because that is exactly what my mom did. So, I was fucking caught! I was trapped without a plan. That shit scared me to death, so each time I would hear that he cheated on me I would feel like shit, knowing that the end was coming and I would be alone again. Without anyone!" I waved my hands and felt the anger and resentment rising, for both Edward and my mom. "Edward was the one, the only one I couldn't take losing and yet at the same time I was preparing to lose him. I guess I may have already slipped across that line of insanity." I threw my hands in the air and then into my hair. Jasper flew to my side and held me against him, Alice rushed to our sides as well and sandwiched me between them. I heaved sobs against Jasper's chest. When I finally calmed down we moved as one unit to the couch again._

"_Bella, that is self preservation. Pure and simple. You're angry with Edward but most of your anger lies with your mom. Unfortunately that is a situation that you and I are going to have to work on alone since she can't come and talk this over with us. But I think in the meantime we need to talk about your feelings with this incident, with his cheating, okay?" I nodded at him. _

"_I guess I feel hurt, I mean I do, I feel hurt that he would do that to me. I know he has issues to work out and so do I. I see how my issues clouded my judgment so I can see how his might do the same and when you mix in all the drugs." I could see Jasper's face turning to interrupt me so I rushed forward to clarify what I meant. "Not that this excuses anything at all, it doesn't but it makes me a little more understanding about things. We both were pretty fucked up. I guess I just need to know how he feels about cheating now, now that his head is clear, now that the excuses are gone. I need to know that if we decide that we will be together then we are together, no one else!" _

"_Those are reasonable demands; I think you should sit down with Edward and Eleazar and talk about those things. Allow him to lead and guide you two into talking about things so that you can have some intelligent conversation about it instead of placing blame and accusing, sound good?"_

I walked into the jail with Eavan in tow ready to accomplish two things, first she needed to meet her daddy, and second I needed my answers. As far as I was concerned all the other issues were solved to the point that I was happy with them, this one thing stood between us.

Eleazar met me in the private room, after I signed in. He fawned over Eavan and we talked about life in general. I heard the door open and click closed again, I couldn't even make myself look at him. I was just too damn scared.

Two things happened at once, Eleazar stepped back and gave us room and Edward stepped directly behind me. He was so close that I could feel the heat of his body transferring to mine. He stood still for so long, it scared me. I slowly turned towards him and was stunned into silence. He stood, stone still, staring down at Eavan with the biggest smile on his face but I could see the tears that streamed down as well. Edward must have felt my gaze because he turned his head to face me. "Bella, she is beyond beautiful…I can't…I don't even know what to say." He ran a hand through his hair and pulled me against him. I saw Eleazar motion towards the door and realized that a guard had remained in the room with us, his movement towards us halted by Eleazar. I wrapped my arms around Edward and smiled as large as I could without cracking my face. I wanted all parties to know how happy this day was for me.,

"She looks so much like you. Everyday I'm more thankful for that, I get to see you in her." I murmured against his chest.

He leaned back and glanced at Eavan again, she was pulling her toes into her mouth and spitting bubbles all over her face. We both laughed at her and Eleazar stepped close again, sensing the intimacy was over between us.

"Do you want to hold her?" I asked. Edward blanched and I almost laughed at him, seriously laughed out loud. He looked so damn scared.

"I don't know how, I've never been around babies." He whispered, this time Eleazar did laugh at him.

"No worries man, it's simple. Just remember to hold their head, when you let their heads go their momma's freak out and shi…stuff." He slapped Edward on the back as I unbuckled Eavan. She didn't like it when I pulled her feet out of her mouth and began to fuss and blow even bigger bubbles at me.

Edward dropped into the chair as I handed her to him. I placed his hands across her tiny body and showed him how to hold her so that they could see each other. Eavan was quite taken with her daddy; she showed him every single trick in her book. He laughed, cooed and tickled her at every opportunity. He asked lots of questions as well. He wanted to know every single detail of her life, and commented on many of the pictures that I had sent to him. I felt embarrassed about the number of pictures but hey, I'm a photography student, I couldn't help taking pictures of our daughter. Edward assured me that he loved every single one;, he kept them taped up across the walls beside his bunk. He saw her and I every day first thing when he woke up and the last thing before he fell asleep.

Eavan began to fuss and Edward handed her back to me, very reluctantly. I placed her in her car seat to change her diaper. "I think she's hungry, I'm sorry I tried to feed her before we left but she wouldn't have any of that. She usually eats now and then naps for about two hours." Edward glanced around the room and shifted in his seat. He knew full well that I breast fed her and I guess he was uncomfortable with that happening here in this room with Eleazar and the guard both being so close, and maybe a little uncomfortable with it happening here in this room with him here. I had no idea but I had planned for this. I snapped up Eavan's dress and took her out of her seat. I handed her back to Edward but placed her so that she faced away from him this time. I pulled a bottle out of her bag and he visibly relaxed.

"Here you feed your daughter." I handed him the bottle and tucked the burp cloth under her chin. I guided his hand when he seemed reluctant and showed him how to hold her so that she didn't choke on the bottle. Eavan took hold of her bottle with one hand and grabbed her daddy's finger with her other hand. I tried to blink back my tears and noticed that Edward did as well. His face stayed glued to her, every single move she made he saw. He was enamored; there was no other word for it.

When it was time to burp her, he held her up to his face and kissed her so gently on her sweet little cheek and placed her back on his shoulder. His large hand looked so out of place on her tiny body but at the same time he seemed exactly at home there.

We began to talk while we waited for the burp, after a few minutes we noticed that it would not be making it presence this time. She had fallen asleep right on Edward's shoulder. He leaned back and began to pat her back softer, I could barely make out his humming to her it was so soft. He was in heaven just holding her. It made the longing for him to be out with us for good that much stronger.

Eleazar broke the silence. "Bella and I have talked. She has a few things she would like to talk about today, if that's okay with you?" Edward nodded but continued to hum to Eavan.

"I can hold her still, right?" He looked at me. I nodded at him, how could I say no to his simple yet beautiful request.

"Bella, go ahead." Eleazar motioned towards me.

"I wanted to talk about the cheating." I began to nibble on my finger nail. Now, I wished that I was holding Eavan; it would at least give me something to do with my hands. Then I remembered what Jasper and Alice had been telling me all along, I deserved some answers and if we were to continue to make any progress then he had to tell me. So I sat up and looked him straight in the eyes.

I saw a change in him, almost like he saw the change in me and rose to the challenge as well. It was like he became determined to match my focus on working on us and I loved him all that much more for it.

"I don't know what you want me to say. I mean I know I fucked, I mean I messed up by doing it." He glanced down to see that Eavan was still asleep. "I know it will be so hard for you to trust me again but believe me when I say after all this time of not knowing if I did too much damage for us to be able to repair it, I will never do anything that will ever put me in this place again. Never!" His hand began to nervously pat Eavan again. "I now know what it is like to live without you, without her." He gestured to Eavan. "I can't do that again, I'm not saying I won't screw up because I'm human, and not perfect so we both know that I will but I will never be unfaithful to you again. I swear to it."

"Can you tell me what was going through your mind when it happened?" I asked him. Maybe if I could understand then I could help prevent it.

"I chose the one person that I hated, the one person that I could punish myself with. Actually, I didn't hate Lauren per say, I just hated the people that she represented...the ones that use anyone they can and move on when they're done. I chose her to cheat with because I was actually punishing myself. I was so full of self-loathing back then, I hated myself because I screwed up all the opportunities that I had been given. I wanted to blame it on someone else so I used Lauren to do that, and in the process I turned into one of those people that I hated. It is a big old circle of hatred and pain. Now, thankfully, I see how to pull myself out of it and hopefully make things better." Edward stilled when Eavan shifted in her sleep but relaxed when she settled right back down. "The drugs didn't help either. It was a lethal combination, me, my hate, and the drugs. It was a viscous cycle of one feeding the other and I didn't know how to stop it." Edward looked up from Eavan and focused on me, his eyes desperate and pleading. "All of that has changed Bella. All of it! Please tell me that it isn't too late." He leaned back in the chair again. Defeat and hope showed on his face all at the same time.

"I don't think its too late, I want us to work, and I want to trust you, I just don't…know how yet." I wanted to say that yes I can trust him without any other reservations but I just couldn't yet. "I see the changes and they are great but it will just take some time for my mind to really trust you again. To see that the changes aren't just while you are here, but that you will continue to change and be the man that I see here when you are out, you know?" I bit on my fingernail again, the words I knew were the truth and needed to be said but they sounded so wrong, even as I said them.

Edward leaned towards me then realized he still held a sleeping Eavan so he sat back up. "Bella, that's just it, I want us to take time, I want this to go slow. We need to get to know each other again, we've both changed so much and let's face it we didn't exactly spend much time on this the last go round, now did we?" He chuckled as he shook his head. "I don't regret the way we instantly connected at all, but we focused on the physical relationship not getting to really know each other, at all. We need to focus on that side now, now that we are clear headed and can focus." I watched Eleazar's eyes and they screamed pride, Edward had obviously listened to him and really wanted to work on us. "Passion comes and goes, Bella, but the friendship that lasts. Actually having each other's back in the rough times that is something that comes with time. We have to repair the damage we have done and then build a friendship before we can ever have more." Edward shifted Eavan in his arms and leaned forward closer to me. "But I promise you this, Bella, I promise that I will work harder than I ever have to make this right. You, her and me. We will be together again as a family, I will see to that, I promise." He kissed me on the forehead and sat back, the fierce determination was clearly written in his eyes.

I saw the answers in his eyes, he fucked up -big time- but he was willing to make it right again with us. He was willing to get to know me and begin a real relationship. He was willing and so was I. Isn't that what love is about, forgiveness? I mean I know he did so much shit that was way over the line but I did quite a bit myself. I know that I never deserved to be hit or cheated on and I am in no way saying that either of those actions were my fault, but we were different people back then. We were fucked up in so many ways, we have changed, grown, matured, improved and I think that with that in mind I do owe him a chance to prove that he is different. I know after therapy that I'm different, so I'm hoping his therapy has made just as big of a difference in him as well. It seems like it has over the phone calls and through letters. So I nodded my head at him. His eyes relaxed and dissolved into the happy Edward that I had only seen a few times, all of which were after he was locked up. After his change.

Eleazar sensed that we had reached a point in our conversation where we needed to move on to something not so serious. He started giving Edward dad advice and it made Edward laugh so hard that he woke up Eavan. She cried for a few minutes then settled down when Edward put her against his chest, and sang to her. We talked about me and how school was going. He also mentioned that he had enrolled in an online school to take a few classes. He was actually going to follow through with his psychology courses. I couldn't have been more proud of him.

Eleazar took some pictures of Edward with Eavan and me before we had to leave. He emailed them to me so I could have them printed off and mailed back to Edward. I was thrilled I wanted some for myself as well.

Edward tried his hardest not to tear up when we left, and I promised to bring her to see him as often as I could. I cried when I got back in the car to leave, I felt so empty without him. The good thing was that I knew I loved him and was ready to forgive him but I also knew that I was now strong enough to walk away if he goes back to the way he used to be. He helped me to achieve both of those things, so now the ball was in his court. He could make us or break us.

* * *

**E/N:What did ya think? Happy or Sad? **

**My rec this week is My Soul to Save by Cullen Concession, love it so much! It's my new run to fic when it pops up in my inbox. **

**I also have been featured on this sweet little site and I have promised a nice return to anyone who reads about my story there so head on over and see what it will bring you ;) The link can be found on my profile (since ffn doesn't play nice when you post them in here :(**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Dear all, life has been crazy the last little bit. At times my only break is when I sit down and write for you all. Because of the craziness and the broken up writing times, I don't have a play list for this chapter either. So again if you have a song that you think of then send it on. Last chapter I only got one song...ONE SONG PEOPLE, surely you can do better than that! **

**I appreciate all of the love you have shown me, the reviews, the alerts, the favs...it all warms my heart like no other! I do have all of the reviews and I promise I will get back to you as soon as I can. There were some that were lost in the change over with ffn and if you didn't get a response from me then know that it was due to this and not because I didn't want to say thanks personally. Adri, Random, Jen and Pee Bee- you all are the best! I love you all. Pee Bee, I will miss you but certainly do understand why you're going. Take care and don't be a stranger!**

**On with the show...**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**Bella**

The last two years of my life have finally taken on some normalcy. I left Family Dollar, and now work for a photography studio. For the most part most of the pictures that I take are of people that come to our set, however every so often I get to take a family and photograph them outside. I try my best to encourage every single person I come across to take the shoot outside; it very rarely happens but I love my job so it is worth it, I get to capture a moment in their lives and preserve it for all of time. There isn't much that means more to me than doing what I love, except for my beautiful baby girl and her daddy. Besides one of the perks of working in a photo studio is getting to use all of the equipment, props and sets to take pictures of Eavan for Edward; he seriously has more pictures than any five families' do of their kids. Of course, he loves every single one and is so grateful that we take him new pictures each and every time we go to visit.

To add to the normalcy, Eavan and I go to see Edward every Tuesday and Saturday. We are fortunate enough to be relatively close to where he is and that makes the schedule so much easier. The Warden has added a new family meeting room that allows us to visit with Edward in a more private family friendly environment. The benefits have been immense, Edward has the opportunity to really get to know Eavan and I find it amazing how much they are alike. Their expressions and mannerisms are so similar even with the minimal amount of contact that they have at this point, it is just natural between them. Edward truly is amazing with her, and she just lights up and makes this strange squeaky noise when she sees him. This is completely his noise; she doesn't do it for anyone else. Just him. I love the two of them together and I can't wait until he gets out and we can take some pictures together.

The last visit with Edward was to celebrate Eavan's second birthday. Because of Edward's good behavior and attitude he was able to get a job while in jail. He makes about three dollars an hour working at the wood shop; he and his fellow inmates make furniture that is then sold to other distributers. It is a small amount but he doesn't really need any money so all that he has made he has managed to save. It makes him feel some sense of pride to see his account grow and grow, besides the fact that he was able to make the most beautiful rocking chair for Eavan for her birthday. She loved it. The Edward I see now is nothing like the Edward I used to live with. They are worlds apart; this Edward is thoughtful, considerate, caring, sympathetic and loving. He was none of those when we lived together. He just wasn't capable of being that person then. Of course I guess he could say the same things about me too so it's fair to say we both have changed.

Both Edward and I had stopped going to therapy for the most part, however with Jasper's help I was able to go to meetings and support groups to talk to many other women who have been abused, and or been involved with drugs. Edward also continues to work with Eleazar to help counsel the new inmates that come in. He is almost through with his schooling and will soon have his degree in Social Work. This is much faster than most but he has plenty of free time on his hands and to be honest he has such a passion for helping others that he is so absorbed in it. I can't blame him; I took to photography the same way.

I dressed Eavan for her check up and made our way to the car. For the first time in my life I had something that was new. It wasn't expensive but it was it was a good car and I didn't have to worry each time I went to crank it. I was proud of myself; not only was I able to get a new car, I was also making enough money to honestly think about moving out on my own for the first time in my life. I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet but it was nice to think about it.

When we arrived at the doctor's office the check up went almost normal, however there were some concerns and I knew that I had to talk to Edward as soon as possible.

I couldn't get home fast enough; I drove as safely as I could with my precious cargo, but much faster than was normal for me. As soon as I walked in the door, I handed Eavan to Esme and placed a desperate call to Eleazar, knowing that this was not something that could wait until our normal phone call times. I had to get in touch with Edward, right the fuck now and I hoped that he would once again take pity on me and let me talk to Edward because I needed him probably more than I have ever needed him in my life; I needed his help, I needed his patience, and I needed his ability to figure things out without panicking about them. Because this was big, really big, I mean we're talking about our daughter's future.

"Hello." Eleazar answers with his soothing voice.

"Eleazar, it's Bella. I know I swore that I would only call you in emergencies and this is one of those emergencies. I have to talk to Edward as soon as possible. Please, it's about Eavan. I saw the doctor today and she's…" I fell apart, this is not what I had expected to hear from her check up. I just didn't expect it and without Edward here to help make it better I just can't process it right now. I needed him.

"Hold on Bella, he's right here. Hold on, I'll get him." I heard Eleazar talking to Edward then I heard Edward's voice penetrate the lines.

"Bella, baby, what's wrong, what's going on with Eavan? Is she hurt?" His words were rushed but his tone was very soothing and calm.

"No, I took her to the doctor today for her check up." It took me a few tries to even get this part out because all my body wanted to do was cry and hiccup. Esme must have handed Eavan off to someone else because she stood beside me rubbing my back. They both waited for me to calm down enough that they could hear what was going on with Eavan, the center of the universe for all of us. "She has some hearing loss. The pediatrician thinks that it might be significant. She didn't respond to anything he did today." I began to cry again. Edward and Esme both murmured to me but I didn't process any of it. I prayed for my daughter. For the first time in my life I prayed with everything I had in my soul, I didn't want this for her. As her mother I didn't want her to struggle at all with anything, I wanted her life to be perfect.

"Bella, what did the doctor suggest that we do? Surely there are some more tests or something that they can do for her." Edward pleaded, he sounded almost as desperate as I did about this. It had to be worse for him since he couldn't hold her and soothe himself with her presence alone.

"He is scheduling an appointment with a specialist for us to run more tests. We will know more then."

Edward and I talked for a little while longer, I explained everything the doctor had said and done this afternoon. He asked plenty of questions and I had to tell him the story once more. I could tell that he kept asking so that he could remember and process the entire event. It was so hard on him when things like this happened and he couldn't be here for it. We found our way around so many obstacles up till this point. When Eavan walked we recorded it and sent it to Eleazar's email so Edward could watch it. We photographed every single moment of every day it seemed like so he always got to see her what her funny faces looked like. We visited him on a regular basis so it settled his need to see her, as much as we could given our situation. But this, there was no way around this. He had to suffer through this all on his own. Just like I would. For once we were even. We would each suffer from our corner of the world and just have to settle with phone calls and visits to help us hold on to each other.

We tried to soothe our nerves as much as possible. We talked about trying to not worry until we saw the specialist and could see what the tests showed. We put on braves faces, so to speak, for each other and by the end of our conversation we both sounded much calmer. I promised to call him on Eleazar's phone if I needed him.

When I had finally calmed down I took Eavan and tried to carry on with her normal routine knowing that it was what she needed most. Each time I interacted with her tears sprang to my eyes, I thought of all the times where I sang to her, talked to her and read to her. It was all for nothing. NOTHING! I wanted to be angry with someone but I just didn't have a person to blame this on, it was just something that happened. I finally put her to bed and grabbed my laptop.

I went back downstairs and talked to Esme, Carlisle, Grans, and Pops. Each of them wanted to know every single detail but we had all agreed to talk after Eavan went to bed. We discussed it in whispered tones not that it mattered anyway. I relayed every single detail to them. Carlisle asking each question over and over again, just worded differently. I was struck how much Edward was like Carlisle in that moment. Each approached this problem in exactly the same manner. A faint smile touched my lips as I thought of the two most important men in my life. Each was valuable in different ways, Carlisle because he showed me the picture of strength, security and gentle undying love and devotion for his family. He showed me all of the things I should have learned from my father; each day he taught me something new that I needed to know to make it through my life and raise our daughter. Edward for the man he has become while he's been away from us. He has turned into the partner of my dreams and I couldn't have been more proud of him. His hard work and perseverance had paid off not only for us but for many to come given his choice for a profession once he got out of jail.

Several days later Esme and I wheeled Eavan into the specialist's office. Anxiety hummed along every single nerve that I had. To be honest this was not the worst that Eavan could have possibly faced in her life. I had to be thankful that she had successfully made it here at all given my history during the early part of my pregnancy, before I knew I was pregnant with her. I heard and saw plenty of children that suffered through much worse illnesses and deformities on TV all day long. You heard about them in the news and magazines. The media loved a good heart tugging story that involved a child that was in pain or suffering in some way. They exploited them. That was one thing that would not ever happen to Eavan, no matter the outcome of today's visit. She would never be handed anything to compensate for her disability. She would work just like everyone else and make something she could be proud of for herself. Edward and I would see to that!

After several tests and a very cranky Eavan, we learned that she had Sensorineural hearing impairment or more commonly called central hearing impairment. There are several kinds and Eavan's involves the eighth cranial nerve or the vestibulocochlear nerve. The doctor went on to explain that this nerve ran to the auditory portions of the brain. In the rarest of these cases of hearing loss, only the auditory centers of the brain are affected. In Eavan's situation, sounds may be heard at normal thresholds, but the quality of the sound perceived is so poor that speech just can't be understood. This would explain why she responded to sounds throughout her life, she just would not be able to respond to speech. She wouldn't be able to understand it basically. We were put in touch with a speech therapist who will help us learn to cope with Eavan's hearing loss as well as teach us sign language to communicate with her. We also started her on a regimen of Vitamin A, C and E along with Magnesium to help prevent any further hearing loss.

Edward was fortunately able to listen in when we talked to the doctor from Eleazar's phone and was able to ask a few questions that I hadn't thought of. His first involved the exact cause of this type of hearing loss. The doctor assured us that while it is not exactly common it is a known impairment and is not caused by any specific action or lack of action. In other words nothing Edward or I had done had caused this type of hearing loss. It is simply a malfunction of this particular nerve.

I asked several questions that were rolling around in my mind as well. I wanted to know why this was not picked up in the hearing test that was performed on her at birth. I also wanted to know why this wasn't more apparent to us before now. I mean really what kind of parent am I that I didn't know that my child was almost completely deaf? The guilt flooded my brain again, this time for not knowing my child needed help. Maybe I wasn't such a good parent after all.

The doctor listened to my questions patiently, then sat the chart on the desk and took his glasses off. "Ms. Swan, I hear these questions all the time and believe me they are so common. What it boils down to is that Eavan can hear noise, she hears a loud pot bang and she turns to the sound. She gives the impression that she can hear because she can, and at this young age she doesn't talk to you which is not uncommon, so that is not there to let you know that she needed your attention in this matter. That is the same reason that she passed the hearing test at birth. She heard the tone that they played for her. It is speech that she can't hear or process, the tones that are used when talking is where she is affected. So to answer both of your questions at one time, it is because she can hear sounds not speech. You had no indicators yet about speech because she is not at the age where coherent speech happens. You did nothing wrong and she has not suffered because you weren't superwoman and didn't have some superpower that would tell you she had this abnormality. This guilt you feel is part of being a parent but it is unfounded. You did nothing wrong, it just is how Eavan is made up. I promise." He patted my leg and closed up her chart. We packed Eavan up and made our way home.

Edward was scheduled to call us later that evening so we hung up with him and waited till our regular time to talk about this further. To be honest at that moment our brains were on overload, and we simply could not process any more information.

Eavan more than happily went down for a nap when we got home and I called the Sign Language specialist, Makenna, to schedule an appointment with her. We talked for a long time about the situation and she assured me that Eavan could and would live a full normal, happy life. She would learn to function without any significant problems through sign language. Makenna assured me that in fact it was the perfect time to teach her as their brains comprehends so much better while they are small then when they are several years older. I felt much better after talking with her and was glad that I had some new information to give Edward when he called me. When I went to get Eavan after her nap I forced myself to talk to her and react with her in exactly the same way I did before we found out about the hearing loss. Makenna assured me it would help to have things remain as normal as possible. We should act as if this is something every person alive goes through and that will help her adjust more readily.

I pulled out my laptop and googled every single buzz word I could remember the doctor said today. I found all kinds of info, too much information in fact. It hurt my brain to concentrate on all of this today. Just as I closed the laptop I saw a link for a school right here in Philly that was specifically for students with hearing impairments. I jotted down the number to contact them tomorrow. If we could get Eavan started in this school right away it might make her life easier.

I couldn't wait for Edward to call, it was safe to say that at this point in time we just needed to feel connected in some way. It killed me that as helpless as I felt, I'm certain Edward felt that amount tenfold. When the phone finally rang, I almost fell off of the bed as I tried to get to it. Esme and Carlisle never even bothered to answer it. I guess they knew it was useless, we wouldn't be happy until we talked about this with each other.

"Hello." I breathlessly panted.

"Bella, you okay?" Edward's voice sounded concerned but on a deeper level it sounded broken.

"I just rushed to get to the phone." I chuckled. "I guess I was just in a rush to talk to you." I expected a laugh from him but it never arrived.

"I don't know what to do here. I pace and think, trying to figure things out, what to do but… I just can't come up with anything I can do. I feel so fucking helpless here, Bella." I heard him pace as he spoke and probably had already ran his hands through his hair a million times.

"At this point, Edward, there's nothing either of us can do. We just have to wait to see the therapist says to do and where to start. I'm flying blind here just like you are." I tried to soothe him and make him understand that this defeat would be something he felt if he were here, free like the rest of us. "One thing I've learned with Eavan is when something happens to her that is out of your control, you feel that helpless feeling. It's not the distance or the bars that make you feel that Edward. I can hold her, I can soothe her and I still feel that helplessness." I heard his intake of breath and assumed that he was probably smoking one of the few cigarettes he allowed himself for the day. "Don't allow the guilt to creep in here, we'll get through this together." Tears pricked my eyes. I needed his strength to help me through this. I could take the shit that came at me and him, but not Eavan. I wanted her life to be perfect and I needed help to deal with this for her.

"I know, baby, I'm sorry. How are you holding up? How is Eavan?" Tears began to flow from my eyes as he spoke.

"She's fine, she doesn't act any different but somehow now that I know I see the signs so much better. I see everything they told us today, now. Why couldn't I see that shit before?" The anger and frustration got the best of me so I left the room where my sweet baby girl slept. I made my way down the stairs and out onto the front porch. A few seconds after I shut the door Esme opened it and peeked out at me.

"I got the monitor, you take your time. Tell Edward we love him." I nodded and she shut the door on me again.

Edward sat silent while I tried to work through all of the bullshit in my head. I wanted answers, I needed to know how to fix this. I searched my head to find a way to blame myself. I felt like if I blamed myself then I could make it all better, like that was the magic clue to work it all out.

"Fuck!" I shouted as loud as I felt comfortable at this time of the night on the porch for all of Carlisle and Esme's neighbors to hear me.

"Hey." Edward called to me. His voice a soft call to my rough expletive. "I checked around today and found some info, actually there is a lot of good stuff on this out there. I read it over and found out some stuff to check into. She may be able to get a cochlear implant that will allow her to hear like normal, so don't get so down about it. This may just be a bump in the road for her, okay?" His soft, sweet voice totally sucked me into the world where we pretend that she would be fine without any trouble because she was almost totally deaf. I joined him gladly and pretended so that I didn't lose my mind over this.

"I got a call from the speech pathologist and they want us to come in on Thursday. I talked to her, her name is Carmen. She sounds amazing, I think she can really help us. I hope so anyway." Doubt crept back in again for a few seconds before I closed the door and locked it tight. "I did find some info on a school for the deaf here in Philly. I'll talk with Carmen about it and see what we need to do. One of the suggestions by the doctor was to start her on some sort of program right away, he said they seem to learn faster at this age than any other." I realized that I rambled on and on. I had barely taken a breath between each sentence. "She'll be fine, right?" I whispered.

"Of course she will, she is half you and half me, there's no way she can't be fine with those genes." The chuckle that escaped was more of a sob combined with a wail but Edward laughed so I pretended that the same came from me. "Good news though, I can take sign language as an online course so I can learn right along with you guys. Isn't that great?"

"Good because I was worried about how you would be able to communicate with her." I wanted to provide more but I just couldn't. It seemed stupid for something this minor in grand scheme of things to get me down but it is. I guess because it's not me or Edward, its Eavan and that takes it to a whole other level. Edward still talked about the online sign language class when I interrupted him.

"We're strong we can take this shit, we have rolled with plenty of punches but she can't! She's little, she doesn't deserve this Edward. Why?" So many times I wished to have Edward's arms around me but never more than tonight. What I wouldn't give to have him with me hold me and Eavan, to keep us safe. I cried and Edward whispered to me. He provided the comfort that I needed, not exactly in the form I wanted but still provided it in the manner he could. I loved him for that all the more. "I'm sorry that I'm having such a hard time with this. I'm usually so much stronger than this." I whimpered.

"We all reach our breaking points, Bella, all of us." His voice laid truth to his words.

"Tell me."

"It was about six months ago. I lost my hope, I lost everything, no matter how much I talked to you the defeat and depression set in. I got mad, I placed blame and most of the time it wasn't on me. Eleazar recognized the signs and kicked my ass until I saw all of the good things I had to offer and he didn't let me focus on the bad things. We talked about the things we could do to change things and focused on those until the changes started to happen. If we stop to worry about all the things that could go wrong then we will not spend any time on what could go right. Making it go right!" The strength and wisdom of his words hit home and I wiped the tears away.

"You're right, let's decide what we need to do for her and stop crying about what went wrong. Okay, so tell me again about your online course." I set my resolve and listened to him talk.

When I walked into Carmen's office I expected some stuffy doctor's office but she had a playroom. Well, she had an office too but we didn't stay in there, we went to the playroom and she watched Eavan play while we talked. She laid out her plans for us and gave me plenty of material to read over. Things to work on, things to learn about, things to do, things…things…things! She loved her job and you could see the care for the kids on her face. I loved her instantly and knew that Eavan would as well.

I was able to ask about the school and she informed me that there were programs for children as young as Eavan. We talked about insurance and how I could pay for one of these programs, we talked about our next steps and how to proceed. Carmen was able to give me some web sites that I hadn't found and we played with Eavan. She showed us both a few basic signs to use for common items. Eavan picked them up really quickly and used them later when Carmen asked her, so today looked like a success to me. I headed home to tell Edward about the progress we made today. He was right after all, we had to focus on the future and how to get Eavan through this.

Four months into Eavan's therapy with Carmen we had as many answers about her hearing loss as we would have given her young age and we were able to develop a routine that worked for all of us. We attended Carmen's playgroup to make sure she interacts with other kids her age and wouldn't shrink back into herself. It also gave her a chance to use her new sign words that she picked up at lightning speed. Carmen's assessments showed us that Eavan was intelligent for her age and we all agreed that she seemed to be coping with her differences well.

In fact everyone seemed to be able to pick up the sign language easily. Edward had the biggest vocabulary so far, a fact that he seemed to rub in our faces as often as he could. Carlisle seemed to be the one that remembered to speak as well as sign to Eavan. An important fact for several reasons, first if we wanted Eavan to learn to read lips then we needed to show her what our lips looked like while we signed the words so she could make the correlations between the two. As well as the facial signs that a person gives off when they speak that help the person who is deaf learn to read those to put together a complete 'speaking' experience just like a person that can hear.

Edward and I tried to communicate through sign language at our visits and enjoyed when Eavan participated with us. Carmen assured us that she would take to it like a duck in water and Carmen was right. Most hearing children at her age spoke anywhere from twenty to thirty words and were able to make simple sentences but Eavan could sign about twice that many words and could sign complex sentences to communicate with her father and me. Edward had completed three ASL courses and I had finished two, myself. We wanted to be able to teach her and make sure we didn't hold her back at all.

Carmen was encouraged enough by her progress that she not only encouraged us to take her to the Philadelphia School for the Deaf but she wrote us a glowing recommendation as well as found the scholarship for Eavan to attend.

With Eavan attending a school across town I knew it was time for us to move. Out on our own for the first time. I was so damn happy for what this meant for Eavan, but I have to admit that I was scared to death as to what it meant for me, on my own. That was something that I had never been, on my own. I always had someone else to fall back on and this time I had to be the adult, the grown up one that had to hold it together. Looking at my daughter though I knew that I was ready to try it, to stand on my own two feet and make things happen for Eavan and myself.

* * *

**E/N: So did you see that coming? I did, it plays a big part in the rest of the story and how things play out. I also want to clear up something as well. One of the beta's suggested that this story line was played out in Under The Apple Tree and I disagree with her. First of all UTAT was one of my fav's and I will never write anything close to the brilliance that Danielle did with that one. Second, the hearing impairment will be used in a different way in this story. So much so in fact that I never even thought of UTAT when Robicorn and I were brainstorming about this story. I hope you all agree when you get to the end and see where this is going. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, now...go and review so I know what you thought of it! **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Okay you don't want to hear me ramble, just go and read, I think you'll be happy with this one...**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**Edward**

Over the past few months Eavan was doing so well. Of course I knew she would, she is like Bella in so many ways and one of them is her fierce determination to succeed.

Bella sees it as a bad thing that we found out so early that she had hearing impairments but not me. I saw it as a blessing in disguise. She was able to learn sign language and to her that is the way things have always been. She didn't know any other way of life and I may be wrong but to me that is for the best.

She is able to communicate with each and every one of our family members, even Gran and Pops had learned sign language for her. They aren't as fluent as the rest of us but they can still talk with their great grand-daughter and that is the most important thing.

Both of my girls have made me so proud. My heart swells each time I think about all they have accomplished in the last three years. Bella has kicked drugs and alcohol, she went to school and got her GED then she got an Associates Degree in Photography, now she has learned sign language and has moved out on her own with Eavan. Eavan has lived her life like a trooper, not letting anything slow her down.

I have to admit it scared the hell out of me when Bella announced that she was moving across town to be closer to Eavan's school. This was the first time in three years that she would be away from my mom and dad, I didn't want to doubt her in any way, but I just felt so much safer with her and Eavan there at my parent's. She had people around that could help her and support her twenty four hours a day. At her own place she wouldn't. She would be completely on her own. Mom told me I was silly when I confessed my fears to her. She told me how ready Bella was and how well she knew that Bella could handle the move. I never doubted that Bella could handle it. The man who was locked up in a jail cell worried about the things that were out of her control. The break-ins, the times when she would need help and none would be there, those types of things. I just wanted Bella's life to be so easy from here on out, for her to be cared for and taken care of. I guess I felt like I had to make up for lost time and do things so different now. You can't blame a man for worrying about the two most precious things in his life when he can't be there for them. I can't imagine how those guys in the military handle being away from their families during war time. At least I know for sure that I will get out of here, and there was no threat of danger that will possibly end my life while here. I can be thankful for something I guess.

Turns out all my worrying was for nothing anyway because Bella rocked it. She sent me pictures of her place and it was amazing. She had a small loft. Eavan and Bella shared the bedroom but there was another area that Bella could use for Eavan's toys. It was perfect for them. Bella seemed to be thriving in the new role life gave her. At their regular visits it almost made me burst to see how well she is doing.

She's beautiful. Not that Bella wasn't attractive before because she was. In fact her looks attracted me right away, one brief glance at her across that shitty house party we were both at and I knew I had to be with her. But now…the confidence and healthy living has made her breathtaking. Her small body has filled out after having Eavan and my hands just itch to touch her. Her hips have a nice flare to them that I'm positive is just the right size to rest my hands as I hold her under me; and her breasts, well they are amazing. She keeps saying how small they are but to me they are perfect. At night I close my eyes and imagine how her nipple would feel as it pebbled against my palms. Her skin almost glows and her eyes always shine now. Life has been good to my Muirnin.

I don't know exactly how our relationship will be when I get out. We have certainly talked about a million things but we stray away from sex or exact nature of 'us' when I get out. I guess that is something that we will have to figure out. I worried for so long that Bella wouldn't want to be involved with me at all but she put my fears to rest as far as that goes. I will never forget her words to me, _'Edward we both made mistakes, we're both fixing those mistakes. What kind of a hypocrite would I be to say no to you when I had a large part in how we were as well? You're my best friend and we will figure the rest out when the time comes.'_ How can I ask for more than that? I have no choice but to say that fate brought us together the night that we met. I know the first few years were pure hell to her but I guess we were meant to be together after all for some reason. I thanked whatever force brought her to me each and every day!

After many talks with Emmett and even Rosalie, we are back on speaking terms and in fact brothers again. We talk often and he visits me as often as he can. Several times he has brought Eavan with him and Rosalie. In fact mom and dad have shown up with Eavan in tow as well. I don't ever complain, the more time I spend with my girl the better off we are.

The past three years in here have given me enough time to repair every single relationship that I damaged with my family. Some things we will never know or understand, like how a kid from a loving family can stray so far away from his upbringing that he can end up in jail for hurting an innocent person. I have spent so much time on that specific topic. Trying to see the point where it all went wrong but I can't. I guess it boils down to small steps away from my normal and allowing other kids to be a bigger influence to me than my family was. I listened to them bitch about their shitty lives, listened to the music talk about how everyone in the world wanted to tear them down until one day I believed I was in that group. It sounds so stupid to say it now but that is exactly what happened. My parents loved me, they spent time with me, they supported me, they bought me the things I needed and most of what I wanted, they showed me they cared and somehow I still ended up an emo-punkass that roamed the streets doing any and everything he wanted. I bought into the lie that life sucked for everyone and you might as well do whatever you wanted because if not then you wouldn't have any fun at all.

My goal in life now was to show as many people that life was good in so many ways. You don't have to follow society and believe that unless you do drugs, party, drink, and have lots of sex then your life will suck. I want to help parents and teens repair the gap between them and make their relationship better before it gets to the point where they are visiting through glass with each other. I want to show them that they can be true to themselves and enjoy life while still being a good citizen. I'm not foolish enough to think that I can help them all, by no means. But I can help some of them and that is good enough for me. Each person has to get to the point where they want to be helped or it is just a waste of my time. But the few that want help will make a difference. Eleazar always says, 'Reach one, change one.' And I guess to be honest that is what it boils down to.

I guess I have talked about this enough that it has rubbed off on Bella as well. She goes with Jasper and talks with teen girls. She tells them about her life and how she turned it around. Just her testimony helps those girls know that there is a way to climb out. She has helped to mentor several girls and just beams with pride each time she talks about how well they are doing. It's amazing to look at the two of us now and see how far we have come.

I can't help but think back on the day that Eleazar came to get me and asked me to come to his office with him. It scared the hell out of me because we'd developed a routine. He never came to get me on Tuesdays, that was the day I worked in the Wood Shop. His face gave nothing away as he walked at a slow steady pace to his office. We both entered and I flopped into the chair across from him, it was a chair that I was very familiar with. I spent many, many hours in that exact chair talking with Eleazar. Sorting through my issues, dealing with schoolwork, then dealing with the issues of the guys I mentor. Somehow, today felt different, it felt foreign to me. Like I didn't belong here all of the sudden.

Eleazar's face shifted when he finally sat down and tented his fingers in front of him. He pressed his tented fingers against his mouth as he tried to hide his smile but it was too large. "Edward, I signed the paperwork for your parole hearing. You needed three signatures that stated you were ready and you had six. You are on the schedule for a parole hearing in about three weeks." He dropped his hands and sat back in his chair. I sat stone still. I had no ability to process what he just said to me. Parole was a word that I had thought often and dreamt of even more often but never really allowed myself to attach onto. I just couldn't, it was too scary to build myself up for the possibility of parole only to have them snatch it away from me because I wasn't ready yet. That would devastate me so I just thought of it as an abstract concept and lived my life.

"I don't understand, how…I mean. Fuck!" I stood up and paced around his office. "Really?"

"Yes, really. Edward you deserve this. You have changed; you're not the same person that walked in here three years ago at all, and this isn't a jailhouse reform that will disappear as soon as you step foot outside those doors, this is permanent." He stood up and walked around the desk to sit on the corner directly in front of me. "I see the fire in your eyes when you talk to these guys in here, when you gently lead them to talk about what they have going on. It's in here." He tapped my chest directly over my heart. "So, get your ass out of here and call that girl of yours and tell her you could be out of here in as little as four weeks." I sat still, unable to grasp the concept that I could be out in four weeks, at home in four weeks with Eavan full time in four weeks. I could hold Bella in my arms in four weeks. "Go!" Eleazar shouted at me.

I bolted out the door at his urging and walked to the phone. I had one person I wanted to call. I dialed the number and listened to the speech about the call being recorded and how to accept the charges. Then Emmett's voice called me out of my inner ramblings. "Ed, what's up dude?"

"Em, I have a parole hearing in three weeks." I couldn't hold the words in any longer.

"You're shittin' me? Hell yeah!" Emmett's response brought elation into the room. I now felt the joy, the happiness, all the things I should feel. I wanted to bottle this up and sell it around the world; I have only felt this happy two other times in my life. "How the hell did this happen?" Emmett asked.

"I have no idea, I mean everyone talks about what to do to prepare for parole hearings and they coach you to within an inch of your life for them but I guess I was too busy being scared to even hope for one that I didn't see that it was time for one." I pulled out a cigarette and lit it, dropped into the cheap plastic seat and tried to grasp the concept. "Eleazar said I had to have three people to sign off that I was ready for the hearing and I had six signatures. SIX!" I was so grateful to the people that believed in me enough to sign off on the papers.

"Edward, stop with the doubt. You deserve this." We really were brothers, so often he could tell exactly what I was thinking.

"Okay, fine. Now what the hell am I going to do?" I laughed.

"Well first of all we are going to get your ass cleaned up for that hearing then we are going to drag you out of there and throw the biggest party ever for you." I pictured a much quieter day for my first day out. A day spent with my girls, just us.

I realized that Emmett was still talking to me while I daydreamed. "Say all that again?"

"Well, I asked if mom and dad and Bella knew yet. I don't want to spoil your fun by telling them."

"Actually, I don't think I want to tell Bella just yet. I don't want to dash her hopes and all. I mean if I don't get it then she will be crushed and I don't want to do that to her." I exhaled loudly and forced the cigarette smoke from my lungs. Doubt began to creep in around my joy and squeeze it out.

"E, there's no way you're not going to get it. I mean look at you, you are the picture of reformedness." I chuckled at his stupid word. "Seriously, dude you got this. I'll be there for you, okay?" I nodded at him, I knew he couldn't see it or tell but right now I couldn't speak. The emotions were too close to the surface to speak around them. "You and me, just like when we were kids, okay?"

"Okay, just like when we were kids."

We talked for a little while longer and I made him swear he wouldn't tell Bella about the parole hearing. Once he promised I hung up with him. I really liked having my brother back.

I called my dad and relayed the story to him. He promised he wouldn't tell Bella either. We all agreed that if for some off the wall reason that the parole didn't come through we didn't want her hurt because of it. Dad promised that I could live with them until I get back on my feet and to be honest it sounded like a perfect solution to me. Sure I wanted to be with Bella and Eavan twenty four hours a day but I thought that this would work out better. It would give us time to learn each other again, don't get me wrong all the time we have talked through letters and phone calls have been great. But this, this is different. Face to face is different. I think we need to take it slow from here on out. So living with my mom and dad will be great. It would give me a chance to get a job, make some real money and establish my routine as well. I just want to be on the right foot before Bella and I start our relationship again.

Eleazar and I began to talk about the questions that the parole board would ask me. Each one I could answer with my eyes closed but that didn't stop me from being so nervous. I knew that on paper I looked good but people who hurt children don't look good to parole boards. So I could only hope that they saw me somewhere in between and trusted that my change was honestly that, a change. I wanted this new life more than I could voice, I wanted to make a difference in the world.

I talked with my dad everyday and we talked about so many things that would be different after I got out. I have to say that he pulled no punches with me, he was straight with me and wasn't afraid to ask the hard questions. In fact he was so tough on me that I had no idea who was harsher, him or Eleazar. I couldn't blame them though, I knew getting out was going to put all of the exact things in my face that I needed to stay away from. I knew that no amount of routines would get me through everything. I had to rely on my family to help me be strong.

I flopped down on my bunk and allowed the thankfulness to flow through me. I was thankful for so many things…Bella, Eavan, my family, and hopefully soon my freedom. All of the things that I would make sure to not take for granted this time around.

My mind raced to all of the things I wanted to do when I walked out the door of this prison. I wanted to hold Eavan, to kiss Bella, to say sorry to my family. I wanted to help kids who needed it. I never wanted another kid to end up like me. Lofty ideas I know but I had to hold on to the fact that I could make a difference; I could change someone else's outcome.

As I drifted off to sleep I thought of Bella, of the way her lips looked when she smiled. How desperate I wanted to continue the relationship we had together. Actually that is not right, not the relationship that we had before, but the new one we've begun, that is so much better. Based on our desire to make a real life for ourselves and Eavan not the sham we lived before. I wanted to see her happy and full of joy. I wanted to see her face when I made love to her, sweet, slow love. The kind where our souls touch and where she knows it is her mind, soul and her body that I love. Too show her all the things I never did before. I can almost feel her skin beneath my fingertips, the small indent at her hips where her body curves down to her sex. I'd like to run my lips along the crease of her leg and ease over to kiss her right where we both want it. To taste her on my tongue again, now that is worth any amount of questioning I have to endure.

The next morning I went about my normal routine, just with a little more reverence today than yesterday. Today was the most important day for me. Today would decide my future for the next few years, would I stay here or would I go home to my family.

When I walked into the meeting room with Eleazar, my family and even Jane and her family were already there. I hugged my mom and dad, and gave Emmett a one armed shoulder hug that guys give. I walked over and shook hands with Jane's mom and dad. We talked several times via letter, so I knew how they felt about the situation. It was a huge weight off of my mind, I'm not sure that my nerves could take seeing them there without knowing how they felt about me or the possibility of me being released. When I turned to Jane she was beaming, her beautiful face certainly showed her inner peace. I was ashamed for the damage I caused to her life but parts of me wondered if the experience actually had helped her in a certain way. I reached my fist out to her and she promptly put her fist up to bump mine. I knelt down so that I was eye to eye with her.

"Hey Edward," she responded shyly.

"Hey Jane, how are you?" I asked back.

"I'm good, I don't have any more surgeries so I'm real happy about that. It was hard this year in school though since I needed to be out of school so much. But I went to a school dance this year." Her smile became even wider at her last revelation.

"Really?" I raised my eyebrows at her. She hid behind her hand as she giggled at me.

"Yeah, daddy said I was okay to go because he knew Alex's dad. We just danced though, I didn't kiss him. But I did hold his hand." I gasped at her and she quickly recovered to add. "But don't tell my dad though, you promise?" Her pretty wide eyes begged more so than her words did. I couldn't turn her down even if I wanted to.

"Your secret is safe with me, I promise." I patted her back as her eyes returned to normal size. I stood up and noticed that my mom and dad were speaking to Jane's parents. I knew that they had kept in contact but it made me feel good to know that my parents cared enough about Jane to keep track of her progress along with me.

Jane tapped my hand as I stood watching our parent's talking. I glanced down at her again as she spoke to me. "Edward we can still write or even call now if you get out, right?"

"Of course we can. I would never just drop you because I got cut loose from here, I swear it. I'll even pinkie promise it if you want." I held up my pinkie and she giggled behind her hand again. "Come on, don't leave me hanging here, pinkie promise with me." I shook it as she linked her tiny pinkie with mine and we shook on it. "You are the coolest! There is no way I'm going anywhere, ever. You will have to ask me to quit writing or calling you, well that is if your boyfriend Alex will let me call you that is." She slapped my arm as I started to laugh.

"He might be my boyfriend but you are my special friend. We shared a big thing so you will always be my friend, I promise." Her eyes held sincerity to a degree which I haven't seen before. My heart felt for this sweet girl that was forever changed by me. I could only pray that it was a good chance, one that she would be happy for years to come. Jane's mom called to her and she scampered off to get settled for the hearing that would take place.

I also settled down into my chair, the nerves now all free and running amuck within my body. I was thankful for the fact that no one felt it necessary for me to wear handcuffs today because it allowed my hands free to twist nervously to settle my nerves, a little.

When all of the panel members had arrived the process began without much fanfare. The warden called the panel to order and read off all of the charges against me and the time I was ordered to serve. He also read off all of the accomplishments I earned while I was serving my time. He read the letters of recommendation that were written for me as well. After all of that the panel began to ask me questions about my past and my future, and how they would differ. I knew that I would be given a chance to speak after the questions so I gave as short of an answer as possible.

I stood to address the panel. I figured this is my one chance to speak for my freedom. "I know that the charges are serious and during the time I have been here I've had contact with Jane." I turned to see her sweet smile beaming back at me. "I have spoken with her each and every time she has been in the hospital, for each surgery and as she has spent time recovering from all of the surgeries." I stood tall and proud of myself, not for the actions that brought me here but for the way I have changed since. "And I live with the consequences, not as much as Jane does, but each time I hear her voice I do. I now realize how my selfish acts have affected others and will take every step possible to prevent myself from getting into the situations that lead down that road again." I made sure to not fidget as I spoke. I stood tall and strong. It was easy to do when I actually believed the words I spoke. "The drugs and alcohol certainly didn't help but the real problem was my anger. I am proud to say that all three of those situations are now under control. I have obviously been clean and sober since my arrival here and by working with Eleazar through my therapy I have learned ways to control and diffuse my anger." My eyes searched out each and every member of the panel, I needed each of them to see these weren't just words to me. I could read who believed me and who was still skeptical. I made certain to catch the eyes of the skeptics more often. "All the issues in my life that I thought caused the anger and gave me the right to be that way, I now see were self made. I put myself in those situations. I hung out with the people who furthered the problems. And all the while I told myself that they were the ones that understood me, that really cared about me. I was wrong. Across town my family were the ones that cared and loved me. I convinced myself that the problems with my family and self doubt were real when in fact they were also self made. Instead of talking things through with my family and realizing that there was only a small misunderstanding, I used the drugs and alcohol to numb myself. When in fact they made matters worse, they increased the anger and self doubt. I see that now. I know my triggers, I know how to communicate, I know how to diffuse. Not only has this time allowed me to go through therapy and better myself but it has also allowed me the time to go to school and learn how to help others make it through the rough times in their life as well." Several of the members of the panel began to write as I spoke about my school. So I expounded on this subject. "I have a trade that will earn me a living when I am released. I can support myself and my family. I won't have to worry about how to get along. I have a place to stay until I can secure my own residence; my parents have invited me to stay with them." I turned to look at my mom and dad. The pride was evident on their faces. I looked away quickly because if my mom cried I was sure to break down as well. "This will give me time to repair the damage that my angry teenaged self caused. I can get to know them again, rebuild the family bonds, and enjoy the life I should have had all along. I also have an even bigger excuse to make my life mean something. I'm a father now; well actually I have been for almost two and a half years." I faltered when I spoke about Eavan. She was one of the subjects that would immediately break me down. I also didn't think that it was a bad idea for the panel to see my sincerity on this topic. So I continued with the emotion in my voice. "We recently learned that she has some hearing impairments, in fact she can't process the tones required to hear voices at all. So she will rely on sign language to communicate. She needs both parents to help her navigate the problems that will arise from normal childhood and then the additional problems because of her impairment. She means more to me than anything else I can think of. I want to be with her to help her through her life." I took a deep breath and prepared to finish off my thoughts to them. "I know that my actions were wrong and I deserve to suffer the consequences for them. I also know that the point of jail time is to reform the prisoner. I am reformed in all ways. It has been a long time since I could hold my head up and say those words, to say that I'm proud of myself. Today I'm proud of myself and in a strange way I'm thankful for that night. Because it brought about the change that I feel needed to better my life, in fact my only regret would be that Jane suffered because of it. I wouldn't change anything else, just that. Thank you." I stepped back to sit as Eleazar stood and hugged me. I embraced him as well; I owed most of my reform to him. I choked up again as this thought crossed my mind. He stepped away and sat back in his chair. I sat back to see what else the board wanted to know.

The panel had a few questions for Eleazar about my therapy and my over all change. They also asked him about my schooling and how likely it was that I would be able to get a job. He relayed several people that were willing to hire me as soon as I was released. To say I was stunned at this info was a huge understatement. I had no idea about any of this. This was another favor that I would never be able to repay him for. After Eleazar was finished they panel asked my parents about my housing with them. They both stood and explained the therapy they had taken after I was sent to jail. Bella's therapy was also mentioned and how Jasper had become a good friend of the family. The love and devotion was evident by the tone of their voices and in the tears that stood on the edge of their eye lids as they spoke.

After my parents spoke and took their seats again, we adjourned to the waiting room to await the panel's decision. I couldn't sit still, my body felt like a live wire that was just looking for a place to discharge its energy. I paced as everyone took their turns at trying to calm my frenetic energy. I appreciated their efforts but only hearing the words would calm me right now.

I heard the chairs scraping the floor inside the room and tensed as I realized it was time. The door swung open and the warden called us back into the room. Several people spoke and I nodded at the appropriate times but I do not remember anything that was said. I could only hope that mom and dad could relay it all back to me later. I do however remember the words, parole granted. The warden spoke again about all the conditions that I would have to follow once I stepped foot outside the main doors. I did remember those a little bit better than what was said previously, these were the rules that would reign over my life. I made certain I knew those inside and out.

And so here I stand one week later and I'm packing up the stuff that I want to take with me. It's not much really, a few books, my pictures of Eavan and anything to do with college studies. All the rest of the stuff I had here could stay here. I had no more use for it. I only wanted to be home with my family.

In the car on the way to my mom and dad's house I prayed that not telling Bella was the right thing to do. I didn't want to leave her out of this important day in my life but I really just wanted to not set her up for disappointment if I was denied parole. I also got it into my head that I now wanted to surprise her with my release, so again I didn't want to tell her beforehand. I prayed that when I stepped into the door that Bella would be happy that I was there. This tops the anxiety that I felt while waiting for the verdict when I went to trial for the arson, it beats the waiting for the parole decision, and it beats everything I have waited for so far. I could only beg and pray that she would be happy to see me.

* * *

**E/N: Surely you all love me now, right? Come on it's the largest chapter here so far, let me hear your love, just press that little button down there. **

**Till next week...**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I just wanted to drop by and leave you all a little surprise on your doorstep since I'll be really busy tomorrow, it's a few hours early but I didn't think any of you would mind. If you do then stop reading right now and wait till tomorrow! **

**Okay, so you're still here good. First of all this chapter is a monster compared to the other for this story. I just didn't have a place to end it other than where I did. Everything else I tried to do just felt wrong. So it is what it is. I hope you all like it. **

**To everyone involved with this story and all those that read it- thanks! **

**Playlist: The Song Remembers When- Tricia Yearwood, Hey Lady- Thriving Ivory, My Girl- The Temptations, Come On Get Higher- Matt Nathanson or Sugarland, What I'd Give- Sugarland, If You Only Knew- Shinedown, Strong Enough-Sheryl Crow, Don't Cry(Uncut version)- Seal, Let it Be Me- Ray Lamontagne**

**One more thing, there is some sign language in this chapter. It is in italics and I think it will be obvious who says what. **

**On with the show...**

* * *

Chapter 14

Bella

I rushed from the photography studio to Eavan's school. I agreed to help with the birthday party in one of the classes and of course today's customers all ran late. I clicked the seatbelt in place and reached for my phone to call Ms. Denali to let her know that I would be a few minutes late but that I would be there, when it rang in my hand.

"Hello." I sounded breathless and frazzled.

"Bella, you okay?" Esme's sweet voice instantly soothed me through the phone line.

"Just late, Esme, I agreed to help but nothing went as scheduled today, so I'm rushing. What's up?" I pulled out of the parking lot and eased into traffic. I didn't like to talk on the phone while I drove so I put it on speakerphone and laid it on the seat beside me.

"Well, I was wondering if it would be okay if Eavan spent the night with us tonight, you know to give you some 'me time', sounds like you might need it after the day you've had." She sounded excited and almost pleading when she asked so how could I say no to her? I couldn't, so I agreed.

I knew her and Carlisle both missed Eavan and me when we moved across town. They both saw us often but it just wasn't the same as when we lived with them.

"Sure, Esme, sounds great. I'll finish up with the party then stop by the house and get her things together. Alice and Jasper took her to the zoo today so they won't be home until a little after seven. They wanted to stop at the pizza place to play afterwards. I think Jasper has a secret crush on that place because he asks to stop there every time he has Eavan with him." I laughed knowing full well that was the real reason he wanted to go there, it had nothing to do with Eavan, she was just his excuse. "So, don't plan on her for dinner."

"Well in that case why don't you stop by here and eat with us then when Alice and Jasper drop her off you can say goodnight, then head back to your place, does that sound good? I made some pot roast; you know that is your favorite." Why did she have to dangle that carrot in front of my nose? She knew I couldn't resist her pot roast. I loved the way she made the gravy and all to go with it. I did have to admit that part of the reason I loved it so much was that it was one of Edward's favorites as well. Little things like eating his favorite meals and watching movies he loved would make me feel close to him. Once he called me when _Speed_ was on. We sat quietly and just listened to the movie with each other. It was almost like a date.

"Sounds good to me, I won't be there till about six or so. Is that good?" I could almost hear her bouncing up and down ala Alice when I agreed. It didn't seem normal for Esme but it'd been almost a week since we'd gone over so maybe that explained the giddiness.

"That is perfect, Bella, just perfect. Why don't you wear that pretty pink sundress you have, that always looks lovely on you and we will be eating outside tonight so it should be perfect." Esme bought the dress she was asking about for me. I really did love that dress, it was easy to wear and easy to take care of. I felt pretty but not overly done when I wore it.

"Sounds good to me, I'll see you at six then?" I threw the car in park and gathered my stuff to carry in with me. I always made sure to bring my camera so that I could capture everything on film for the kids to be able to take home.

"Love you, Bella. See you then." Esme disconnected the line and I threw my phone into my shoulder bag. I locked the car doors and rushed into the school. I thankfully was actually right on time.

With the party over and all the kids picked up I headed home. Alice texted me three pictures of her and Eavan petting the small animals in the petting zoo. She then texted again, this time for Eavan who asked if we could have a goat, she wanted to name him Fred. I replied no, it was an easy choice really. The apartment community where we lived had a strict no goats policy, so I blamed it on them.

I showered and threw my hair up into a sloppy bun at the nape of my neck. I put the flower off to the side that Alice bought me. I threw my dress on, the matching sandals and a little jewelry. I always wore my Edward necklace.

It reminded me of all the hard work that we both had put in and I also used it to help keep me strong. Once you develop an addiction to something, it never goes away. Some days are easier to resist than others but it is never completely gone. I won't lie several times over the last few years I wanted to just get lost in the fuzz and haziness the pills gave me. They always allowed me to forget for a little while, to not feel the pain, stress or worry. But I had Eavan now and Edward was counting on me as well. I couldn't let them down; I couldn't let Esme and Carlisle down. And most importantly, I couldn't let myself down. I would not be like my mother! Those were the days when I found myself touching the necklace often to remind me and so far it always worked. Not once have I had anything to drink nor had I taken any pills since the night I walked into Esme and Carlisle's house three years ago.

With Eavan's bag packed and me dressed again, I made my way across town. I needed to let Alice know about the change of plans. I knew by now they would be in the Kiddie Pizza Palace and there was no way they would hear the phone ring, so I texted her. I sat at the red light and typed out the new info. Besides they lived not far from Esme and Carlisle as well so it would work much better for them to drop her off there instead. A few seconds later I got a picture of Jasper with Eavan on his back riding a mechanical horse with her acknowledgment of the change. I laughed at the two children having fun and secretly prayed that soon Alice and Jasper would think about having a kid of their own that Eavan could enjoy like a brother or sister. I didn't want her to be alone and I had no idea how soon things between Edward and I would be so that we were in the same place and at a place in our lives where we could think of giving her a real brother and sister. I hoped it would be soon but I didn't want to rush either of us, so I just prayed for a surrogate sibling for now.

I could hear everyone out in the back yard enjoying the great weather when I pulled up. I took Eavan's bag up to the room that used to be ours when we lived here and dropped it off. The bed was freshly made in preparation for her to spend the night but it wasn't with her normal princess sheets. I wondered how that would go when Eavan got here and saw that but dropped the thought as soon as I heard Carlisle call for me from downstairs. I left my purse and camera here as well. I wouldn't need either of them. Carlisle made his way to the bottom of the stairs as I began to descend towards him.

"Hey, Bella, you look lovely." He pulled me close for a hug and I gladly accepted. I missed being touched by another human being. I mean I was touched every single day but it was always passing touches by people you work with or touches by Eavan to get my attention. It was never a simple how are you and can I make your day better touch. The touch that only your true soul mate knows you need. I know this is not the meaning of Carlisle's hug but I held on and relished any form of affection I could get. "Esme said you were having a rough day?"

I pulled away and smiled at him. "It wasn't so bad, just rushed. Its perfect now though, thanks for inviting me. I didn't realize how much I needed this until I walked in the door."

"Well, you are always welcome here and we are glad that you came. We missed you both. Did Eavan's testing go well at school?" His arm drifted across my shoulders as he led me outside where I heard the voices before.

"We don't know for sure yet but it looks like she aced the letter and number recognition portions. The other parts, well she'll develop those later I guess." I shrugged; she always tested above her age level so none of us were really worried, it just makes you less worried when they do well.

Carlisle stopped just before the back door and turned to look at me. "Bella, we have a surprise for you tonight that is the real reason we asked you over. Head out there and see what it is." He turned me back towards the door but held his place when I stepped into the back yard.

The entire space was lit with candles and small white Christmas lights were strung overhead. It felt like all the stars had converged in this one place for me to look at. The gentle breeze blew through the yard and I swore I smelled Edward. I half laughed at my silly mind for playing tricks on me when I saw him step through the side gate and hesitantly make his way towards me. I nearly fell over, my mind questioned what my eyes saw. Edward was walking towards me. I looked around to see if anything else looked out of place, if I was really seeing him or if my mind had suddenly taken a leave of absence from me.

Edward's face was filled with fear and trepidation. He looked unsure of himself. I don't think I have ever seen that face on him before. Not even during his trial did I see those two emotions and it struck me how scared he was that he no longer belonged here with us, or maybe just with me. When he stopped about half way to me, I rushed forward to him. I had to feel him, to assure myself that he was really truly here with me. His eyes relaxed when he saw the change in me as I rushed towards him.

My feet slowed two steps before we collided. We stood gazing at each other, almost afraid to touch each other. Edward reached up first and slid a piece of wayward hair behind my ear and off of my face.

"Bella, you look beautiful tonight." His quiet whisper wafted across the skin of my cheek. His lips followed and left a light kiss there as well. "I missed you so much." Large strong hands cupped my neck and pulled me close to him. I breathed him in again, tears formed when my hands touched his strong chest. When my body confirmed that it was Edward that stood here with me my mind shouted several things all at once, I love you, I can't believe that you didn't tell me you were getting out and thank God you are finally home. I didn't know which one would be spoken aloud first but I knew that I felt them all at the same time.

Edward's fingers rubbed gentle circles across my jaw line and neck. He seemed to scan my entire body and slowly take me in. My mind was still on overload and stuttered a simple greeting to him. "Hey." His laughter almost pushed me over the edge of the cliff I stood on. This was not the old Edward I knew, he was now a man that could laugh at silly things, enjoy the simple things and love the steady things in his life. Once again I was amazed at his change. "I'm sorry, I just…you're here."

He gently tilted my head so that we could look into each other's eyes as he spoke. "I'm here." He placed another kiss at the corner of my mouth. The desire I felt for him slammed into me and took my breath away but the anger suddenly rose to the surface as well.

"What the fuck Edward?" I shouted. "You said nothing about this, we talked what… like every other night for almost two and a half years and you say nothing about getting out?" I pushed his hands away and stepped back away from him.

"Bella…" He held a hand outstretched towards me. "I can explain, I swear I can." His pleading eyes begged me to listen but I was too pissed off to do what he wanted.

"No, you can't explain. I can't believe you would do this to me. What was with all the 'we need to communicate better' speeches? Where the hell did our communication go when you made the decision to keep me in the dark? Huh?" I punctuated my questions with a push to Edward's chest. His much larger frame made my pushes seem like a child pushing an adult but it certainly made me feel better.

He stood and took all of my anger, my aggression and my words without a single ounce of hostility returned to me. I ranted and raved at him. I released emotions and words that I had no idea were even inside of me, all the while Edward stood and just watched me with sad eyes. When my fit was over and I slumped against his body, I began to cry the final bits of all those emotions out. Edward's arms wrapped around me and held me close while I simply sagged against him. He placed small kisses to the top of my head and soothed my hair out of my face.

"I'm sorry. I know that isn't good enough or big enough to cover all of the things I did to you and Eavan but its true." I nodded against his chest. "I know this sounds weird but I'm glad this happened now, with me here and at the beginning of my release. That way the person that the emotions are directed at, me, is here to witness them and it is in the beginning of me being out so we can deal with them and move on." I stayed still. His words made so much sense and it sucked some of the anger out of me. I was proud of him for standing tall and taking what he deserved without his old habit of defensive anger coming out. I was almost as shocked by his behavior as I was of mine. "I deserved all of that and so much more." He murmured against the top of my head where his face was buried.

"I'm sorry I don't know where that came from, it just sort of bubbled out." I stepped away from him and while his arms loosened on me they did not let go completely.

"No, Bella, don't apologize. You have held that in for so long, it needed to come out. It's healthy for it to come out. In fact I have been worried about you because I had not heard about a release of your anger before now." His hands moved up to caress my face as he spoke. His eyes clear and bright, he voice full of conviction with the words he spoke.

"I guess I just never felt like it was the right time, there was always something else going on I had to take care of." I half shrugged. That was the way I guessed that moms did things, we took care of everyone else and left ourselves for last.

"Well, I'm here now and you will have someone else to help, to listen, to be there with you." His eyes searched mine as he spoke and when he paused for a few seconds it scared me. I could tell that he had more to say but was almost scared to actually say it out loud. "Bella, I love you. Now more than ever but I know we need time to work on us, to figure this thing out. And even if we never had a relationship again between the two of us we will always be Eavan's parents, two parents, I will always be there to help you with her, and I swear this." Tears welled up in my eyes and blocked Edward's face from my view, I only saw blobs. I slumped back against him and just waited till the tears went away.

"I love you too Edward; and I want more with you but I agree that we need to do this the right way this time, not rush back into what we think we had." He nodded and kissed my forehead.

"You smell exactly the same." He murmured against my skin while he took in another deep breath.

"So do you." I smiled. It was nice to remember the good things about each other. And the rational part of my brain remembered that he was here in the flesh and that I had not heard the story about how this all came about. "Eavan will be here in about an hour so why don't you tell me how all this worked out that you are now standing here with me and not in jail still."

Edward led us off to the side of the patio so that we could sit in the chairs that surrounded the table. "Well, Eleazar came to me and told me that my name had come up for parole. I needed three people within the jail that would vouch that I was in a position to deserve parole, to say that I had reformed my ways and deserved a second chance. I had six people sign for me, SIX Bella. I was blown away." He glanced off at the skyline and I could see the overwhelming emotion washing over him again, I reached out and touched his hand. He turned back to face me and gave me watery smile. "Well I was too afraid to tell you that I was up for parole because I was too afraid to hope for it, I was scared that I would be denied and both of us would be left hurting afterwards. So I kept it to myself, well I called Emmett and talked with him about it, but no one else. Then less than a week later I was called to come and speak before the parole board. It wasn't really a hearing they just wanted to hear my say in what happened. Mom, dad, Emmett and Jane and her parents were there. I wanted you there Bella with all my heart and soul I did, but fear won out. I begged mom and dad not to tell you or bring you with them. I was just too scared of what it would do to you if the parole board denied me." He squeezed my hands again as he spoke. "I swear that is the only reason. And then when they approved me, it was less than a week before my final release; so I thought, foolishly obviously, that it would be a good idea to surprise you." He dropped his head but I saw the sheepish grin that covered the lower half of his face. "I swear my intentions were to not leave you out, I was just so fucking scared. Scared that I would get my hopes up and get them dashed, scared that I wouldn't be out with you and Eavan, just damn scared." His face fell and I saw tears well up in his beautiful eyes.

"Shh, it's okay. Well, not okay but I do at least understand. I get it." I pulled him into my arms and just relished that he was here with me even if I was pissed at him. I pushed him away abruptly so I could look into his eyes. "Don't you think that this is over, it's not. Not by a long shot." I pulled him close again.

"I know, I'm sorry. I promise." We sat silent for a long time, neither of us moved; I was taking it all in, trying to wrap my head around what I wanted out of life. I knew that I loved Edward, without a doubt no questions about it, but…honestly, I expected some notice about his release. I expected some time to gather my thoughts and decide what I wanted out of life between Edward and me. I didn't get that and now I was expected to know what I wanted and be able to communicate that to Edward. I just felt sort of lost and found all at the same time.

Thankfully Eavan solved that problem for us when she came flying out the back door and straight into her daddy's arms. Never had I seen two smiles more full of joy. Edward sat down on the grass and turned her to face him. Each of their hands barely waiting for the other's sentence to end before they began to answer.

_You miss me?_

_Yes, I always miss you sweetie!_

_How long you be here?_

_Forever._

_Really?_

_Yes, really, does daddy lie?_

_No. Mommy must be happy._

Eavan's smile was so big and I didn't want our adult conversations to be picked up on by her, I wanted to keep her as in the dark about everything as I could, so I answered in the way I knew she would want.

_More than anything! Are you happy?_

_Oh, mommy, you're so silly, of course I'm happy! I love daddy more than anything!_

Edward tickled her sides and she laughed until her face turned red. Everyone else stayed inside and gave us our time; in fact they had since I arrived. I never even noticed when they drifted away; I was too absorbed in the shock of seeing Edward.

I sat and watched Edward and Eavan make their way all over the back yard. She showed him all of her toys and her swings. They played and had the best time. She has never been happier. No matter how hard we worked to make Edward's absence a normal thing, it still affected her. Funny how in a few short minutes their life fell into place, I only hoped it was as easy for us.

Esme made her way out to sit beside me as I sat still watching them. "How are they?" She nodded her chin towards the yard.

"Like two peas in a pod, he is really good with her. His love is apparent." The wistfulness in my voice was hard to miss. Esme turned to look directly at me.

"How are you?" She leveled her gaze at me in that motherly way that made sure I knew she wouldn't take a bullshit answer. I hate it when she does that mother voodoo shit. I couldn't defy her no matter how much I wanted to.

"I don't know." I sighed. "I mean I wanted him out, I love him. It just all happened too fast and now I don't know how to process it all and how to feel about it." I picked at the hem of my dress. I was too afraid to look up into her eyes that matched Edward's, I was afraid I would see anger or disappointment there.

"Oh, honey, I guess none of us thought about that." She slid closer and patted my leg. "Just keep talking this through, with whomever you need to, Jasper, Edward, or any of us. You already know what holding it in will do to you both, so be honest with him. Tell him and work through this together. You'll be fine." I nodded and dropped my gaze to my lap again. I could only think about the ending that Edward didn't want, what if I decided that we shouldn't be together anymore. Esme must have understood my train of thought because she answered for me. "He knows it's up to you and he'll abide by the choice you make. He would rather be with you but he will respect whatever you decide." She patted my leg again and I looked up at her. "Just let him help you talk through the decision. Hear what he has to say and use it to help you decide, then neither of you has a reason to be angry about the decision, okay?" I nodded. Eavan squealed in laughter and we both turned to watch the two of them rolling around in the grass.

Alice and Jasper stepped out the back door to say their goodbyes. I felt terrible because I had no idea that they were still there. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry you two." I stood and rushed towards them, I saw Edward turn to check us out as I moved past him. "I just got lost in it all, I'm sorry." Jasper stood with his arm around Alice's waist, they both looked happily past me to the scene in the yard.

"It's okay; we were talking with Esme and Carlisle inside. We knew you three needed your time. I just have a group meeting first thing tomorrow morning so I got to go. Besides, I think Alice here has had way too much fun for one day!" We all laughed. Edward made his way towards us with Eavan on his hip. Eavan started to wave her arms and flap them towards Alice.

"Edward, this is Alice and Jasper. Alice, Jasper, this is Edward." Eavan's hands began to make the same introductions as well. But she called them her special daddy and her Auntie Alice and Uncle Jazzy.

Eavan all but jumped from Edward's arms to Alice's, so Edward held out his hand to shake with Jasper. "It's nice to finally meet you, thanks for all you've done for Bella and Eavan. I can't thank you enough." Jasper nodded his head in the way guys do to each other. "And you I hear spoil my girl beyond belief, I can't tell you how much I know about Auntie Alice from this one right here." He signed his greeting because Alice held Eavan in her arms. Eavan just giggled while Alice signed back, well as best as she could with Eavan in the way, how happy she was to spoil her little princess every chance she got. Then she spoke to Edward with her hand outstretched.

"It's nice to meet you, I'm so happy for all three of you." Alice's eyes showed the buildup of tears there.

"Thanks, I intend to make the most of it!"

Jasper cut in, "We're gonna get out of here and let you guys have your time. You should call us and we'll hang out, do dinner or something together. Okay?" He leaned a little closer to us both. "You both know you can call me if you need anything, right, just until you get someone else set up I mean." Edward and I both nodded.

"Thanks, Jasper, I appreciate that. It will certainly be a big transition for us. I'm sure." I looked at Edward as he nodded his agreement. He knew all of the things that Jasper had helped me through and had even spoke with him a time or two by phone, so I thought he would be comfortable enough with his help, if we needed it.

Alice handed Eavan back to Edward after the right amount of hugs and kisses were exchanged between the favorite auntie and her favorite princess. Alice and I hugged, while Jasper and Edward shook hands again. Jasper gave me a quick hug as well. They made their way through the back yard and stopped to speak with Esme and Carlisle before they disappeared through the house. I sat back on my hands to wait for Edward's thoughts. "They seemed great. I really like them." The nervousness of having Edward see me hug Jasper was gone. Sometimes old habits die slowly. I felt free from the weight of our past.

Eventually everyone joined us outside and we enjoyed the evening. Edward and Eavan talked and played until she fell asleep on his lap in the chair. I realized that it was well past midnight and I needed to head home. I stood. Edward watched me from under his lashes; his head remained tilted downward with his lips nuzzled against Eavan's hair. His eyebrows shot up in alarm. "Where you going?" He asked quietly so as to not disturb the sleeping child in his lap.

"It's late, I have to get home, and I'm exhausted. We've all had a long day." I pointed towards Eavan as well. "Come on, I'll help you put her in bed."

His large warm hand reached out and pulled me closer to his chair. All the conversation around us faded into the background. "Don't go Bella, please. I need to be with you as much as I need her. Stay here with us?" His emerald green melted into a warm sage green as his eyes turned pleading.

I leaned closer to him so I could continue to whisper and not have our entire conversation carried out in front of his parents and grandparents. I had no idea where he intended to take it fully so I wanted some privacy, just in case. "I can't Edward; there are only two beds here, Eavan's and yours." I had seen his stuff thrown on the bed earlier when I went upstairs to get Eavan a clean t shirt after she spilled chocolate milk all over her and Edward. Our room, mine and Eavan's was now turned into Edward's and Eavan's. Which was fine with me, because we had our apartment, but it didn't leave me any place to sleep tonight. Unless it was with him and I wasn't ready for that step yet. After our night together I knew we had some things to work out and then I would feel ready to worry about that step but certainly not now, not tonight.

"Bella, I'll stay on the couch, you and Eavan can have the room." His eyes darted towards his family before he added, "I never meant for us to stay together that way at all, I just…I need you both here with me. Please." His hands clutched at Eavan's back as he held her. I could only imagine the crazed thoughts that had to be going through his mind right now. To be so far away for so long and now to have me want to go across town to sleep, his eyes showed, the hurt as each thought played through his mind. The purse of his lips showed his anguish, the lean of his body towards mine showed me his need. I was just so torn. I thought it over, and to be honest the awkwardness of sorting out our relationship in front of an audience was not appealing. So I offered a much better suggestion.

"Why don't you come with us to our apartment? Eavan has two twin beds in her room and I have a queen sized bed. That gives us plenty space for each of us to sleep and we can talk after we get her settled. What do you say?" His eyes danced with the happiness that my offer brought him. He stood immediately and took my hand. I locked my fingers with his and we walked across the patio to speak with the rest of the family.

"I'm going to go with Bella and help her get Eavan home and in bed. Besides I think we have plenty to talk about as well and it would be easier without an audience." I flushed knowing that Edward used my exact thoughts about his family. I was thankful that no one knew they were mine; I didn't want to hurt any of their feelings because they had all been so good to me but Edward was right, this was between us and we needed to feel free to talk about it between us. "She'll bring me home in the morning okay?" He turned to look at his dad. His dad smiled and nodded.

"I never did like them going home to that big apartment all by themselves." Gramps offered and Carlisle slapped him lightly on the arm. Gramps grabbed his arm and feigned pain, "What? I didn't like it at all." The entire group chuckled at him.

"Dad, stop encouraging things. They can handle themselves and will decide how they want to handle their relationship, so butt out." Grams slapped Carlisle on his arm and held up his fist for Edward to bump.

"Sorry, scrappy, I tried." Edward bumped his fist promptly with an amused grin on his face.

"It's okay, hoodlum, we ain't ready for that step no way. But thanks." Edward did the fist bump with his dad and Emmett both, then hugged and kisses his momma, Grams and Rosalie. I said my goodbyes and we all walked to the car. Edward placed Eavan in her child safety seat and ran inside to grab a few things.

While he was inside Carlisle stepped close to me, "Bella, are you comfortable with this because if not then I can ask Edward to stay here with us instead." I chuckled; it was so sweet that he thought to ask my opinion.

"No, its fine, we talked about it. He wants to be close to us and I get that part, so we'll take Eavan home, put her to bed, and then we can talk. He'll sleep in my bed and I'll sleep in Eavan's room with her. We aren't ready for that step but I do like the idea of some time alone to talk." I knew that Carlisle would never judge our progress but it still made me feel better to explain our sleeping arrangements to him. I felt like a teenager asking for my boyfriend to stay the night with me. Once again, I appreciated how much Carlisle and Esme both had become my parents in the last few years. "So, yeah, we're good, I promise." I patted his cheek and gave him a hug as Edward stepped off of the steps towards the car.

"Don't forget our shopping trip tomorrow afternoon Bella, I've got to get a dress for this interview, okay?" Rose spoke as I slid into the car seat. I cranked it up and pressed the button to roll the windows down so I could speak to her.

"I'll drop Eavan and Edward off here and come and pick you up, sound good?" She nodded as Emmett pulled her into his side and started his pageant wave. It always made Eavan and I crack up when he did it. "Night, Em." I sighed as I rolled my window back up.

A short while later, Eavan was in her bed and I took the time to show Edward around the apartment. I wanted him to see how we had been while he was gone, to see our lives in details that he may have missed. When the tour was over, I made us sandwiches. We sat at the breakfast bar and talked for a while. We just talked about how it would work for him now that he was out; who he had to report to, when and how often. He told me about the job offer that Eleazar had secured for him and when he needed to go for his interview. He was nervous but not overtly so. He had spoken to her several times over the phone as she called about other inmates that had been released. Irina ran a counseling agency that helped inmates get back on track. She helped them find a permanent therapist if they needed it she helped them get jobs and homes to stay in. It would be an extension of what Edward did while in jail. He would, in fact, be working with a few of the inmates that he had helped while in there. It was nice to watch him speak about something so passionately and animatedly as he did this. It was another reminder of how much he had changed.

I cleaned up our sandwich plates and we took our glasses into the living room to talk. He sat on the love seat so I sat across from him on the couch. "Will you sit beside me? I like to be able to reach out and touch you. You know to remind myself I'm actually here and not in there anymore." I grabbed the glass and moved. "I guess we should talk about us then." He blew a nervous breath between his teeth. He sat his glass down and turned towards me. "Bella, I love you. Now more than ever but I know all the wrong I did." His hand ran through his hair. "I know we can't jump back into the level of relationship we had but I need you to know I want you, I want this, I want us. I also want you to know that you have as much input as I do and we will move as fast as you are ready to. If that means you don't want this then that is fine too, I can accept that. Holding you tonight was the best I have felt in so long, I'm dying to drag you onto my lap and kiss you senseless so you got to give me some indication as to how you feel. I need to know if I stand a chance or not." His face fell and his eyes lost contact with mine.

"Edward, I want us as well but I'm scared. It was easy when you were in jail, I mean I had security then, security in knowing that you had boundaries there. Here," I waved my hand us to indicate our current situation, "we have none, well not like you did there. I just don't know what I feel yet, I know I love you but how do I make that work in the everyday life? I don't know that yet, and I'm guessing neither do you." He glanced up at me and shook his head to indicate that he was as lost as I suspected. "What if we sit down and talk with Jasper or someone Irina sets you up with so that we can figure things out." He grabbed my hand and threaded my fingers through his as he nodded. The relief was evident in his eyes.

"Okay. Can I ask you one question?" It was my turn to nod as I saw the darkness in his eyes. I had seen that look before, I knew that look and it scared the hell out of me. I didn't know if I was strong enough to survive that look. "You want to be with me, like together, eventually having sex with me, loving me, making a life with me, right?" I nodded again while I swallowed the saliva that pooled in my mouth when I watched his mouth form the words 'having sex with me'. "Can I kiss you?" He asked as I nodded before the words were even completely out of his mouth.

His hand shook free of the confines my hand had it in and made their way up to my face. Edward's hand were so large that he could cover most of my neck as well as my cheek and it always thrilled me when he touched me this way, it made me feel so safe wrapped up in him. Our mouths made a slow descent towards each other and my breath stuttered just as his lips touched mine. The first few seconds were slow and sweet but the fire ignited when he moaned into my mouth. I was just as guilty as he was; I encouraged it, because there was no doubt that Edward was always an accomplished lover. He knew how to play my body and drive me to new heights.

I threw a leg over his and came to rest in his lap, with my dress pooling up around my thighs. I made sure not to rest too close to his cock. That kind of torture was just plain mean to both of us, to rub all over him and then deny each of us what we wanted. He seemed fine with my new placement because he began to deepen the kiss. When our air ran out and we broke apart his hands ran down my face, across my shoulders and down my arms to grasp my hands.

"My God, Bella you're amazing. Fuck, I forgot how beautiful you are with your hair all messed up and your dress pulled up around us." His eyes roamed my body as he glanced over the spots he talked about. "I can't wait, baby. I want to make love to you and watch you as you fall apart. I've never done that before, you know." His lips made their way to my shoulder as he kissed the exposed skin around my thin spaghetti straps that held my dress up. "I've never made love to you. Sure, I've fucked you." I moaned when he said the word, it was so damn erotic coming out of his mouth and I was so turned on. I shifted slightly towards his cock. My body begged me to come to rest right over it, to form myself on him like I had so many times before. Just a little friction my brain screamed. I mean it has been over three years.

"Do you want that baby? Do you want me to make love to you?" Edward's voice was husky and deep, sex roughened. I nodded and he pulled me back to him as he kissed me again. His tongue slid against mine and I began to rock back and forth across his lap, still not in contact with his dick but if I concentrated on the kiss, I swear I could pretend that I was. His hands and lips drifted down to my chest and I arched towards him. Wrong, I know, but I could not find it in me to stop him.

He left a few light licks and opened mouth kisses to my chest and made his way back up to my face. "Open your mouth Bella and hold it there." I did as he asked. "Close it just a little." I closed it just as his tongue began to lick my mouth. The sensation was unbelievable. It occurred to me that he licked me just as if his mouth was on my pussy. I moaned and opened my mouth slightly to allow him better access to lick me over and over. Each one pushed me higher and higher. Until I was coming all over his lap, the orgasm slammed into me and I fought to close my legs. Edward's hand reached up to touch me lightly over my dress and I threw my head back in ecstasy. Once I came down he pulled me against his body.

"I love you, Bella. I promise to be good to you and Eavan, you'll be my number one priority from now on." He kissed my sweaty forehead and I closed my eyes, collapsing against him. I knew I took things too far, allowed things to happen tonight that shouldn't. At this moment I couldn't stop the joy that came with my release. It felt good to know that we still loved each other, that he still wanted me as much as I wanted him, physically and emotionally. We would be fine, we just had a few things to work out with each other.

* * *

**E/N: Okay, I know you have opinions...so let's hear them. Did Bella do the right thing by making out with Edward or not? **

**Recs- My Letters to You by Minnie Soliel- just a sadness that you can't turn away from, you read each chapter and beg for it to contain the answers that you seek. Read and let her know what you think. **

**Worth The Burn by My Bella- this is an Edward and Bella that I love and hate for so many reasons. Each chapter I waiver back and forth, I love them for just as many reasons as I hate them. It is a well written story that I am so in love with. **

**Both of these are on my favorites list, enjoy them. **


	15. Chapter 15

**(Sorry this is so late, I knew it would be later today when I posted but I had no idea it would be this late. Thanks for sticking around for me!)**

**Okay ladies and gents, here we are again. I have another chapter to give to you all. I think you all will be happy maybe not completely happy but sorta happy, lol! **

**Thanks to the same list of people- Adri, Jen, Random and Minnie, thanks to all of you for adding to this chapter. To the readers and reviewers, I know I say this every time but I mean it, thanks and lots of love to you all!**

**Playlist:Can't Take My Eyes Off You- Frankie Valli ( I love the Heath Ledger version from 10 things I hate about you), Just a Kiss, I Run To You and If I Knew Then-all by Lady Antebellum, Got It Right This Time & Memories of Us by Keith Urban, Tangled Up in You by Aaron Lewis, and Do I by Luke Bryan. **

* * *

**Chapter 15**

**Edward**

I lay awake long after Bella fell asleep, thinking back over the day and wondering if I had done the right thing after all. Based on her reaction to me being home, I guessed not. It never occurred to me that she would need time to adjust. I had spent a lot of time thinking about my changes but our relationship wasn't one of those worries. That's not to say that I didn't believe Bella when she said that it was a worry for her this afternoon. I did. Her statement made total sense to me, I just never thought of it before today. It hurt my heart that she was once again hurting because of me. My only goal was to make sure that she and Eavan never hurt again because of me. Ever.

The dawn drew close, and I could see the sky lighten as I lay there shifting my focus, and thinking about the plans that I needed to make in order to secure my future. I needed to put the money I made while in jail in the bank. It's funny but I almost can't make myself say the words. Like after twenty four hours out I am no longer the same person that went in there. In fact I know that is the truth, I know that I am not the same person. The question is now, what do I do with the person that I am? I make this life work that is what I do. So I go back to planning what for the future, I need to see Irina on Monday, I need to work out a job and I need to begin the healing process with Bella.

Just as I thought her name she whimpered and fisted the shirt that I still wore. Her sad voice called out three things, _No, don't go…I need you…I still love you_. I knew she was having a bad dream and from the words she said it involved me. I tightened my arms around her and kissed her forehead.

"Shh, Bella I'm right here, baby. I promise, I'm never leaving you again unless you ask me to. It's okay."

Her body turned toward mine and she burrowed into my chest. She looked sexy, beautiful, yet scared and little all at the same time.

It's funny how they always say things like you've served your time and you're a free man now. Well, I got news for them, I will never be a free man and I will never stop serving my time. Each and every time I see Bella's face filled with disappointment, I will serve my time all over again. Each time Jane has trouble in her life; I will serve my time all over again. I will never be free from my mistakes, never. And while it doesn't bother me that I will suffer for this, it does bother me when the ones that I love suffer over and over for it. That is the one thing that I wish I could change about all of it. Their suffering.

I heard a small noise coming from across the hall and wondered if Eavan was okay. I glanced at the clock and sew that it's only five fifteen in the morning. Surely, she doesn't get up this early every morning. Just as I began to untangle myself from Bella to go and check she walked, sleeply into the room. Her little face lit up when our eyes met and when I waved her over with the arm that was free from Bella, she broke out into a run across the room. I curled her into my other side and her hands began to talk to me as soon as she was settled.

_Daddy, you're still here. _

_Yes, princess, I'm still here. I will always be here for you now. _

_I was scared._

_Oh, sweetie, don't be afraid, Daddy is here to protect you and mommy. _

_You promise?_

_Yes, I promise. _

Maybe it was wrong to make a promise like this to her, things could always happen that would force me to break that promise but what the hell was I supposed to do, tell her the truth? Hell no, she wouldn't suffer through the worry if I didn't have to make her. I didn't think that a little white lie like this would hurt her for the time being.

She yawned and rubbed her beautiful eyes. Her eyes that showed me that she was a perfect blend of Bella and myself. Nothing in life would ever make me more proud than knowing this sweet child I held in my arms belonged to Bella and I. She and Bella were my entire world. I squeezed them both and snuggled back down in the covers with them.

_Let's sleep a little longer, then we'll get up and have some breakfast, okay?_

_Okay, but only a little longer, I want to see SpongeBob. _

_Okay, SpongeBob and breakfast, I promise. _

When I woke later Eavan and I were turned towards each other and her face was tucked under my chin. My arms were wrapped around her and she was probably being held too tightly but I guess she didn't care since she didn't push me away. I was aware of Bella's absence in the now half empty bed but knew she was here in the apartment, I just felt her closeness to me somehow. When I heard the pots clang in the kitchen, I received my answer. I was torn, half of me wanted to go to the kitchen and the other half wanted to stay and hold my baby girl. My baby girl won for now.

I pulled away far enough that I could see her face and study it. Her long dark lashes lay against her cheeks as her chest rose and fell with each breath she took. God doesn't make any mistakes, especially when it comes to children so I prayed that whatever the reason for Eavan's hearing impairment brought her some joy as well. That she would be able to balance the difficulty with the happiness at the same time. Tears welled in my eyes as I stroked her hair and kissed her face.

The tears became a full cry when I realized that the emotion that I felt for her, my parents felt for me as well. All those years of kicking their love in the face and dismissing them. The pain they must have suffered when I burned that house to the ground and they had to sit and watch their child suffer without being able to help. It all came full circle to me, I felt it all. I held Eavan in my arms and cried. I purged the pain and tears, so I could begin to make amends with everyone.

"Edward, are you okay?" Bella's sweet voice asked as she stroked the hair off of my forehead.

I cleared my throat wiped my eyes.

"I was laying here with her," I gestured towards our child, "and realized how much love I felt for her. Then it occurred to me that my parents felt that for me and I let them down. I pushed them away, I spit on their love."

I sat up and ran my hands through my hair. I wanted to hit something, to get angry but I knew that wouldn't solve anything. I took a few deep breaths as Bella stood by my side and continued to stroke my hair.

"They had to watch me suffer and they couldn't do anything about it. Just like we felt when we found out she had trouble with her hearing. It just all sort of hit me hard for a few minutes, I'm good now. Thanks."

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. I buried my face against her stomach and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I let it all go, the anger, the hurt, the feelings of wrong, all of it. I knew that I would get a chance to talk these things out later and make amends for them so there was no point in letting the anger get to me and ruin what I had right this minute. Bella's stomach grumbled and we both began to laugh.

"Come on, let's get you some food."

She led me into the kitchen where I saw the reason for the pots banging earlier. She had made breakfast, French Toast and bacon. My mouth fell open and I did several quick glances from the food back to Bella and back to the food again.

"Don't look so shocked, Edward, I can cook. You don't need to make a big deal about it. I do feed your child, you know."

"I just, sorry…It's a shock that's all. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad."

I rushed to cover when I saw the pout on her mouth.

Her smile broke through and she laughed at me. I grabbed a plate and began to fill it with the great smelling food. I took more than my share but it just smelled so good that I couldn't help myself. Bella laughed when I grabbed one more piece of bacon as I walked away from the counter. She had juice, silverware and syrup on the table. She clicked on the TV to a music channel. The words filled the screen and the singer's voice rang through the speakers. I raised an eyebrow to her and she shrugged as she sat down.

"I love music but Eavan can't tell what it is; so I put the close captioning on so she could at least see the words going across. Sometimes she makes me sign them for her, sometimes she just plays while I listen. I guess when she can read she'll understand it better."

I shrugged and began to eat.

"She likes it when you hold her against you and she can feel your chest vibrate when you sing to her. She has always liked that, even when she was a newborn. That would soothe her quickly, to put her against your bare chest and sing. She could feel your warmth and the vibrations all at the same time."

I sat in awe of Bella and all she knew about our daughter. I hoped that the learning curve would be kind to me and allow me to catch up quickly. I didn't have time to worry as I heard her feet hit the floor and come running down the hall towards us.

_Daddy!_

_Eavan!_

I grabbed her up and kissed her all over her face. She giggled and pushed me away.

_Daddy you have syrup on your face._

_So do you now._

Bella cut us off and asked if Eavan would like some food. She nodded, so Bella went to get her a plate. I put Eavan in her seat and poured her some orange juice.

_Can we watch TV when we're done with breakfast?_

_For a little while, we have to go back to Nanny and Poppy's house today while mommy shops, okay?_

_Can Uncle Em come with us?_

_Sure, if you want._

_He's your brother right?_

_Yes, he's my older brother. _

_When can I have a brother? _

I almost choked to death on the bite of French Toast. Thankfully, Bella saved me.

_I told you, Eavan, that it will happen when it is supposed to and not before then so stop asking. Besides maybe Auntie Alice will give you a little brother, now eat. _

I looked at Bella and wondered why she was so hesitant to talk about this with Eavan. So I whispered to her,

"Do you not want any more kids?"

She looked up and just shook her head no. My heart started to sink.

"No, that's not it. I just didn't know when or if we would make that decision so I just gave vague answers to her. I guess we can cross that bridge when we get there, now that you're here to help me decide."

She pointed her fork towards the food and took the bite that she had on the end of hers. I did as she asked but couldn't help but smile at the smile that she tried to cover up.

Eavan and I sat and watched SpongeBob while Bella cleaned up the kitchen and then announced that she was going to take a shower. Eavan barely noticed her and waved her out of the way of the TV but I perked up at this thought.

Bella…

Naked…

Soapy…

Oh hell yeah.

As soon as the thought was there I pushed it away. She wasn't ready for that step yet so I had to control thoughts like that. I tried to concentrate on SpongeBob with all that I had in me but it just wouldn't happen. I told Eavan that I would be right back and made my way down the hall to Bella's bathroom. I peeked in and saw glimpses of her behind the opaque doors. Her full breasts, her slim hips, her long sexy leg, each body part shown to me made me want her more; so I cataloged her and saved it away in my mind for later use. I left the room when the shower shut off.

Eavan insisted that I help her get dressed and that I call Uncle Em right then so we could ask if he would come over to Nanny's with us.

I panicked for a minute because I didn't know Emmett's phone number and had no idea where to find it but Eavan just pushed and held the number three button on Bella's cell phone. Soon it was ringing and she was pushing it towards me.

"Hey, Bella, things okay?" Emmett's voice sounded concerned but relaxed.

"Well, it's not Bella, it's me, Edward." I fumbled for words.

"Hey, sorry, I just saw her name on the caller ID and figured it was her calling. What's up?"

He sounded genuine and happy to hear from me.

"Well nothing, aside from the fact that I had my daughter ask that I call you to ask you if you planned on coming over to mom and dad's so we can hang out, or more specifically so Eavan can hang out with you."

"I don't have any plans since Rosalie will be shopping with your woman, yeah that's cool. What time?"

I know it is wrong to feel the sense of pride and cave-man-ness that swelled within me when Emmett called Bella my woman but I couldn't help it. It was nice to know that people still thought of us as a couple.

"I…uh…well I have no idea. Can I call you when we leave here and head that way?"

I rubbed my neck as I felt the embarrassment take over, I was so helpless right now, I had no control over anything and I didn't like that feeling. I wanted to know my routine and schedule so I would work on those first thing Monday morning, for now I would just enjoy being with my family.

"Sure thing. Talk to you then."

"Bye."

Bella emerged from her room completely dressed but all my eyes saw were the glimpses of flesh that I peeked at earlier. I dropped the phone and pushed by her. I needed out of this room with her and I needed out now.

"Hey, I'll be in the shower, okay?"

I called over my shoulder as I quickly left.

"Okay."

Bella started some music and began to hum along. Eavan only smiled at me as I made my way past her. I felt like such a pervert thinking such dirty thoughts about her momma with her in the room.

I adjusted the water temperature much hotter than I liked it but I did it because I could. My showers for the last few years were one temperature and it was not the one I wanted. So today I made it what I wanted…I only wanted one thing…different from the ones I had in the past. I grabbed Bella's body wash and soaped up with it, thankfully it was not too girlie smelling. I would have Emmett take me today to buy some of the things I would need.

Once my hand touched my cock all the images of Bella flooded back. All the times I fucked her, the times I kissed her, touched her, and especially today's innocent images of her body. I was hard in a second. Rubbing one out is not as easy as it seemed in jail, there was always someone around., and I for one don't enjoy that sort of thing with an audience, not with that type of audience anyway. So the solitude of the shower, with Bella's scent surrounding me, seemed like the perfect time to take care of the matter in my hand.

I reached down and cupped my balls as I continued with the slow, steady strokes up and down. At the tip I gave a twist and tightened my grip as I descended the shaft. Bella's moans and grunts of pleasure from last night replayed through my ears as I climbed towards my peak. I knew it wouldn't take long since it was a rare occurrence but with the Bella porn it happened much faster than I thought. Just as I moaned her name I heard a responding moan as well, a moan that happened outside the walls of my shower, a moan that did not belong to me. I stopped all actions, rinsed my body and opened the door to see a startled Bella standing in the bathroom with me. Her eyes were wide and dark. Her breathing was faster than normal and her chest heaved with the effort each breath took to happen.

"I…I wasn't prying, I swear, I just needed my brush, I'm sorry."

She turned to leave the room. I grabbed her wrist.

"It's okay, it was you I was thinking about anyway."

I smiled at her, I wasn't really sure what the protocol was for two people that loved each other but weren't ready for a physical relationship yet one was caught jacking off to the other's images. I mean what do I say or do.

"Being around you is hard, it makes me hard and I needed to relieve some of the built up tension or else I was going to attack you, beautiful."

I rubbed the back of my fingers across her cheek while trying to not sound like a sick, dirty, horny pervert.

"I came in here knowing you were in the shower, knowing I would see you. I couldn't help myself. I swear I want you so damn bad, I can't think straight but I'm so scared that we're rushing and that would be bad as well. I just…want you."

She was out of breath by the time she finished her rant and her panting was even more pronounced now, this meant that her chest heaved with the greater effort of her labored breathing, which suited me just fine.

"I know, baby, I know. You drive me so insane. All the things you do and the funny things are the most innocent ones work me up the fastest. We just have to find our median here, where we are together but yet we are taking our time with things."

I pulled her close but not so close that my towel-encased cock would rub up against her.

She pulled back to look me up and down while she licked her lips.

"You know I never paid you back for last night. I guess I at least owe you that much. Don't you think?"

She twirled her hair around her finger and looked up at me from beneath her lashes, I almost came right then and there!

"If you want, I mean, you know you don't have to right?"

I wrapped my hands around her face and turned it up to look at me. I wanted to see the intentions in her eyes. If she planned this just because she thought she had to-I would put a stop to it- but if she had other intentions in her eyes, well…

She licked her lips and smiled a devious smile to let me know that her offer was not because she had to but because she wanted to. Bella always seemed to get pleasure from providing me with pleasure. And let me tell you what pleasure she can provide. Her small hands came up and pushed the center of my chest as she guided me back to her bed. She indicated that she wanted me in the middle against the headboard. I quickly complied as she moved towards the door to close and lock it. I knew with Eavan in the living room we didn't have much time but I was certain that this would not take long at all.

Bella joined me on the bed but kept all of her clothes on when she sidled up beside me. Her lips made contact with mine and her tongue slid into my mouth immediately while her hand wrapped around my cock. I know you hear of the jolt of electricity when two people touched and I swear I never believed those motherfuckers… until now. I felt alive, rejuvenated, redeemed, hell I don't know what I felt other than immeasurable pleasure.

She dropped her head and engulfed my cock in her mouth, lubricating it herself. Her hand came back around me as she threw her leg over one of mine and came to rest on my thigh. Her other hand held her steady right beside my ear. I leaned up and kissed her mouth again while I pulled the front of her low cut blouse out of the way, I wanted her nipples exposed so I could see and touch them. Bella threw her head back and rode my leg while she pumped my cock when my mouth came to rest on her nipple. She was beautiful. I wanted her, I wanted her to consume me. I needed her.

When her head snapped back up to look into my eyes she was consumed. She was on fire for me. I loved every second of it and I guess she saw the challenge in my eyes. Her head dropped down beside my ear so she could talk to me while she stroked me.

"Look how hard you are."

She tightened her grip on my cock as I pushed up into her formed hand.

"Don't say shit like that, baby, I won't last long. God!"

She took me to new heights so damn fast. I wrapped my hands into her hair and held her against me as I pushed up into her hand harder.

"That's it, fuck my hand. Oh God, I can't wait to feel you slide into me. I know we were fucked up then, but you never let me down when you touched me. Never, you were perfect every time. That's it baby, feel it."

She panted, our foreheads pressed together, our eyes locked together. The spark shooting from one to the other, the tension was thick and I wanted her. I wanted to beg her to just remove her clothes and drop herself down on me. But that wasn't the way I wanted our first time to be like so I reigned it in. I kissed her temple and she smiled.

Her hand waivered slightly in her rhythm and she moved a few inches away. I was prepared to pull her back when she returned on her own. I heard the snap of something and looked to see her free hand flicking open a bottle.

"What's that?" I asked her.

"Lube." She stated simply. My mind reeled with the possibilities of what she had that bottle for and all of them ended with wanting to drive into her as deep as I could.

"So tell me what you do with this lube." I licked the side of her face.

"Think of you."

She tightened her grip again and if it wasn't for the fact that I was so hard for her it probably would hurt like hell but for me right now it was the greatest kind of torture.

"What do you think about?"

My hands fisted her shirt at her hips and guided her to slide back and forth along my thigh again. In the heat of our making out, if that's what you call this, she faltered and never resumed so I helped her out.

"You and how good you felt each and every time you pushed into me, how full I feel and how you know each and every spot to hit."

She closed her eyes and increased her pace on my cock. My hands moved from her hips now that she had the momentum again and dropped down to rub across her ass. I pushed my hands lower down across the bottom of her ass and lightly rubbed the seam of her tight jeans that separated me from the place I wanted most.

Her lips touched mine but they didn't join in a kiss we simply touched. Our noses rubbed along side of each other's and her eyes had joined into one large eye we were so close to each other. Bella's hand slowed and her movements became exaggerated.

"We'll have that again, we'll have each other, I promise. Just be patient with me."

Her face came back into correct focus and all her features returned to normal as her words washed over me. She lowered her eyes as she whispered,

"Please."

"I'll wait forever on you, baby, you're everything to me, everything."

Her eyes joined mine again as she kissed me. The swirling of her hand matched the same actions of her tongue and it was too much. The emotions floating between us, the tension of not being together and the thrill of knowing that we wanted each other all combined.

"Fuck, Bella."

Her other hand came down and cupped my balls again as she pushed closer to me so that I could feel her hard nipples against my chest.

I came.

I fucking came all over her and me. I saw stars, comets, hell even planets.

I realized that I ruined her clothes and that she would have to get dressed again.

"Shit, sorry Bella. I didn't mean to, I was going to give you some warning but I just didn't have time."

I sat up and began to search for the towel that I used to have wrapped around me to clean her up. She stopped my actions when she lightly pressed her lips to mine.

"It's all good, I swear. I'll just change and we can get going."

I nodded against her mouth still and we both hopped up from the bed. Bella disappeared into her closet while I dug out the clothes from my bag. We both pushed our feet into our shoes at the same time and turned towards the door. I grabbed her hand and stopped her.

"I meant what I said, Bella. I'll wait for you as long as it takes. I love you and only you."

She rose up on her tip toes and kissed me again.

"I know, Edward, I love you too."

"So, I take from that shit eating grin that you're wearing that your lucky ass got laid last night, am I right?"

Emmett bellowed across the yard where we all sat watching Eavan play. I glanced around to make sure that none of the neighbors heard. I swear sometimes that boy's filter was just not there. My glance landed on my dad and Pops as well. I wasn't sure that I could talk about this with them but the hopeful look in each of their eyes told me that they would be devastated if I held out on them.

"Well not exactly but sort of." I tried to be vague.

"Sort of? What the fuck is sort of?"

Emmett had two levels of volume, loud and way too fucking loud. He used both of them today.

"We decided that we weren't ready for actual sex but I made sure that my girl was taken care of and she reciprocated this morning, so sort of."

I ended my sentence with a punch to Emmett's arm. I also glanced over to Eavan to make sure she was fine and not bothered by our adult conversation that was taking place right in front of her.

"Good thing you took care of that girl 'cause she has waited three years for you boy. Not once during that time did she go out with a guy or bring one home."

Pops punctuated the next sentence with a pointed finger in my direction.

"She has waited for you. She's a keeper Edward, I know I don't have to tell you that but she is."

Pops took a sip of his beer and I just sat silently thinking about this fact.

Bella waited the three years. It made me feel good that she wasn't with anyone else during that time, I never asked because I was afraid of her answer. I wouldn't blame her if she was but I was sure as hell glad that she wasn't.

The gate swung open at the side of the yard and our women sauntered through the opening. I sat my coke down and almost ran to Bella. I picked her up and swung her around in a circle while I kissed her face.

"I love you." I whispered against her ear.

"I love you too." She kissed me back.

Eavan ran up and jumped up into our arms so we all twirled in a circle with each other. The rest of the family just watched us, happy that we seemed to be back on track.

The following Monday, I met with Irina and liked her right away. She was a no bullshit type of person, almost exactly like Eleazar. I knew without a doubt that we would get along just fine. I checked in with her and we talked for a while about how things were going for me. We discussed Bella and how our relationship had changed. She gave me some female insight and advice on how to handle things. I couldn't wait to try out a few things she suggested. I really wanted to prove to Bella that this was a lifelong change for me, I never wanted to go back to the way I was before. Nothing about that life appealed to me any longer. I wanted what I had now more than anything.

I also made an appointment to talk with Peter. He ran a counseling agency that helped at risk teens. It was exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to give back and make sure that no teen suffers through the years that I did just because he had no one else to talk to about their problems. I couldn't wait to tell Bella about all of this.

Our life settled into a routine, which I craved. I needed a routine to feel in control. I stayed with my mom and dad through the week and with Bella and Eavan during the weekend. I went to the center with Peter and worked each day with the kids. I was so happy with my choice, each day I felt rewarded by that choice. I got an old beater car to drive so I could pick Eavan up for school and so I could get back and forth to see them without feeling like a teenager on his first date being shuttled around all the time. I could take some of the pressure off of Bella and spend time with my princess so we both were happy.

Each evening I picked Eavan up and took her back to Bella's house. We ate dinner together as a family and when Eavan was in bed we were able to spend our nights talking. We talked about our dreams, our hopes, and our fears. We laid it all out for each other. Once a week we also went on a date night, just Bella and me. I dressed up and took her out, I showed her all the fun we should have had the first time around. I felt like a teenager falling in love for the first time. We talked for hours on end, about everything. I knew without a doubt that I loved her mind, her heart, her soul, her body, I loved all of her.

It was hard to not take the next step in our physical relationship. I wanted to, more than words but I wanted Bella to lead us in this step. She was the one that had things to get straight in her mind about us so I didn't want to push her. We made out a few times but nothing like that first two times after I got home. I guess those could be chalked up to out and out hormones on both of our parts.

A couple of weeks later I found myself I praying that tonight would be the night for us. Mom had asked for Eavan to stay with her and dad tonight and since it was Friday night neither of us had to get up early for work the next day. I planned to take Bella out to eat then we would either go dancing or head back home, whichever Bella wanted.

When I picked Bella up she looked amazing, words couldn't describe her at all, she took my breath away. She wore a short blue and white dress with these strappy heels. Her face was so pretty with her hair pulled away so that I could see her beautiful eyes. She took my breath away to say the least. I couldn't wait to show her off and be proud of her.

We drove away from the house and headed off to dinner, I couldn't wait to take her to Bella Italia. I knew she loved Italian food and I was so proud that I found that fact out by myself. The closest spot to park meant we had to walk for a few blocks. I wanted to drop Bella off but she wanted to walk with me. So we walked together, hand in hand, laughing with each other, until we turned the corner and saw two people from my past there…James and Lauren. They were making out in an alley, actually making out is an understatement. They were almost fucking each other. I was sick immediately. Was this what Bella and I had, that little? So little that I'd fuck her in an alley for anyone to walk around the corner and see us? Thank God I was forced to change.

"Well, well, well. Look at who we have here. You two disappeared off the face of the earth. Glad to know you're still alive."

James held out his hand and tried for the half hand shake- half hug thing that guys do. I leaned in and reciprocated his gesture. I really didn't feel it but I didn't want to piss him off for something stupid like a handshake. Lauren looked me up and down, popping her gum and twirling her over processed hair around her finger. I think she thought all the gestures were sexy but in fact they were all a huge turn off to me.

"Yeah, we're still here, we just had to take a time out. How are things?" I fake the concern that James would like.

"Not the same without you man, all the other guys flaked on me and fuck up at every step. Man, no one held down the fort like you did. So, who are you working for now?" He tossed his head back in a gesture that was supposed to be welcoming but it turned me off completely.

"I have a job working with teens now, so thanks for the offer but I'm good. You still in the old neighborhood?"

I hoped that my attempt to change the subject would slide right past James and again not piss him off. I wasn't afraid of him by any means but I didn't want to ruin Bella's night with a fight nor did I want any trouble because of him.

"Yeah man, I'm still there. I didn't pussy out and leave the ones that were counting on me, I stayed and took care of the ones that matter."

He pulled a cigarette out and lit it, then blew smoke into my face.

"Look, James, I didn't want to leave. I got sent to prison, okay? Now, though, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I don't regret a single moment of it. We'll see you all later."

I grabbed Bella's hand and pulled her around the two low lives in the alley and moved towards our destination.

James came up behind me and attempted to grab my hand.

"Hey man, we need to talk. I want you back with me, you know you want back so let's just put this behind us and I'll let your slight to me go. We'll be all good again, okay?"

I stepped back in shock. He'd let my slight go? Had he lost his fucking mind? I didn't slight him at all, I was fucking locked up.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down before I caused some trouble for me and Bella.

"James;" I let go of Bella's hand and stepped right into his face, "let's get one thing straight. I didn't slight you at all."

I put my hands on his collar and pulled him closer to my face. I was almost a good foot taller than James and I planned to use all of my height to my advantage.

"I was fucking locked up. I spent three years in jail. So, no, I have no plans to join you again. I never want to live another day in my old life. It's all behind me and quite frankly, beneath me. I have more, I'm worth more."

I let him go and he stepped back a foot or two.

"I'm taking Bella to dinner so if you'll excuse us."

I grabbed her hand again and stepped away from them. James laid a hand on my arm and I turned and swung at the same time. I punched him directly in the nose. I heard the bones crack and saw the blood. It wasn't what I wanted to happen but guys like James always needed to be reminded that they couldn't push you around.

He grabbed something out of his pocket and held it up to his nose to stop the bleeding. He held his other hand up in a sign of defeat and backed away. His body didn't turn away from me until he was at the street and far enough away that I couldn't surprise him if I decided to come after him.

Lauren stood stone still and still perused my body with her eyes.

"Hey, Edward. How are you? Jail was good for you."

I felt Bella lean forward but I stopped that shit. I didn't want my beautiful girl fighting for me in her pretty dress. I wanted her to remember this night as a good night, not as one she got into a fight.

"Lauren, I'm still surprised to see you still alive. The rate you were fucking people back then I expected you to get some strange disease and waste away. I guess that didn't happen, huh?"

Bella smirked at her. Lauren gasped.

"Edward, don't say that to me, I thought we had something special back then."

She threw a look of contempt at Bella as she said the words.

I stepped closer to Lauren because I wanted both girls to hear what I had to say.

"Lauren, what we had was a drunken mistake. Nothing more. And even if it were more then, it isn't now. Bella and I are together, we have a child together. You will never be half the woman on your best day as Bella is on her worst. So no, to answer your question, we didn't have shit and we will never have it again. You are trash."

I tugged Bella away from the alley and towards our dinner reservations.

When we entered the restaurant Bella's smile matched mine. It felt good to have my first test with my past and to know that I passed it with flying colors. I reached down and kissed Bella in celebration. She must have felt the same because her kiss in return was certainly celebratory.

* * *

**E/N: So, did that make you happy or not so happy? Press that little button and let me know. **

**On another note I have a one shot for the Tsunami's that I will be posting so if you don't have me on author alert then by all means add me so you can have a look at it!**

**Till next time...**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Dear peeps, so glad to see you here again! I swear you guys are so good for my ego, I wish you all would just follow me around everywhere and when I feel like crap you can cheer me up, Okay? Good, glad we got that taken care of!**

**The same thanks to all the same people this week as last week. To all my girls, Jen, Mary, Adri, Kyla, Jacqueline, and Melissa (even tho I'm fail and didn't get my chapter to you). I appreciate all of you and the help you give me. Especially for this chapter, it about gave me a nervous break down, hope you like it! To the readers, fav'ers, and alert'ers- thank you as well. I am total fail at review replies but I swear I have them in a file in my email and I will get to you as soon as I can!  
**

**Playlist:Fade Into Me- David Cook, When You Say Nothing At All- Alison Krauss, She's Got A Way With Me- Billy Currington, When You Love Someone- Bryan Adams, Endless Love- Lionel Richie & Diana Ross, History in the Making- Darius Rucker, Always Be My Baby- David Cook, That's How You Know It's Love- Deana Carter, A Little Bit More- Dr. Hook, Raining on Sunday- Keith Urban**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

**Bella**

Once we were at the table, I sat across from Edward in shock. I couldn't believe the events that we had encountered so far, first he dressed up for me and let me tell you he really looked so damn hot. Then he brings me to dinner for Italian food, I didn't even have any idea that he even knew that I loved Italian food but he did and that meant so much to me. Then he not only punched James in the face, and don't get me wrong I do not condone violence but he looked so damn hot doing it; but then he told Lauren off, I didn't even have to say a word he said it all. This was so different than in the past, when we were together before he was content to just sit back and watch Lauren and I fight it out; but this time, he told her we were together, we had a child and he would never want anyone other than me. My heart swelled when he said those words. All the years of therapy and talking came to a head in those few minutes. He proved to me that all the words and actions were true.

I sat back and thought about the months since he had been released and they really were wonderful. In fact things were so great that it gave me the "waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling"; I didn't want to feel that way and I especially didn't want Edward to know that I was feeling that way. I didn't want him to misinterpret it and think that I didn't trust him because I truly and completely trusted him. The problem is that my life hasn't been an easy one and when you are used to being dealt a shitty hand, it's hard to believe that you can end up with the fairytale. I really want to believe that everything is going to work out, but it is so hard to re-learn everything you know as true. I remind myself everyday that both Edward and I worked hard for this, that we achieved this and it's not just some fairy tale built on smoke and mirrors; and most of the time I believe it but every so often the doubt creeps in and it scares the hell out of me me. It's a demon that I'm working on with Jasper, so for now I try to push away the doubt and focus on all of the good in my life.

Over the past few weeks Edward has begun working with some of the support groups at the YMCA. His focus was on working with reformed prisoners that are trying to put their lives back together. He helps get them set up with support groups for therapy, get training so that they can get a job and then helps them find employers that will hire them. I am still working there as well, mainly with the families and spouses of men who either are in jail or have been as well as women who were abused or have been addicted to drugs. We work on the trust issues and communication between them.

Jasper and Alice are an almost constant in our life now. We've also met a nice couple, Ben and Angela. Ben works with Alice at the college but his parents were alcoholics so he knows what the life is like. He attended a group meeting with Jasper and myself a few times. He has a great testimonial to show the people there what the effects the life can have on their kids, so he is a big help.

It is nice to know that Edward and I are able to hang out with people our age that are on the right path, we love to do things with the four of them and on occasion Emmett and Rosalie have even been able to join us. It has been a little hard for them recently because Rose is at the beginning of a pregnancy and so she's really sick right now. I am really hoping that once she reaches her 2nd trimester things change and Emmett and Edward will have more time together. Watching them interact amazes me, there relationship was so strained for so long but now it's just natural for them almost as if there was never any rift at all; the love between them is truly visible now in everything they do together. Eavan, of course, has always loved her Uncle Em, he brings out the kid in all of us and now that she knows she is going to have a baby cousin to play with she is more than excited.

Things have changed on the work front for me, I decided to leave the photography studio to concentrate on weddings and other events that won't keep me away from my family all day, every day. It gives, Edward, Eavan and I more time together and I get to pick and choose what events I will work and the pay is all mine so I'm working less and making more money in the long run. Edward still works with Irina, Peter and even Eleazar now. They have formed a new company and are in the process of trying to get funding for a new building. They want to offer a program that offers help for at risk teens in a variety of different ways. They will offer counseling obviously but they will have other programs. Sports, art classes, photography classes, life skills, music programs, dance classes, tutoring help, and mentoring opportunities. The Center will provide teens with some place that will allow them an outlet for the issues in their life, and it shows them that there is a positive way to deal with all of the strife that they face. It will also give them some skills that will help them in their lives as they start out on their own. Edward is beside himself about the opportunity. He is going to be managing the center once it is up and running because right now all of the rest of the group have full time jobs so he is the one that can drop everything and make this thing happen. He will get it off the ground and eventually the others will join in and manage different parts of the center. You can see each night when we sit down to talk about our day how happy he is, it shows in every aspect of his life, and I couldn't be more proud of him.

While Edward and I have made great progress in our relationship we have yet to heal our physical relationship. At first it was about trust and making sure that we weren't rushing into things. Now, if I'm being honest it is a big old fat case of the nerves, I know he says he loves me and desires me but I'm just scared that we can't get back what we had before; I mean our entire relationship used to be built on sex, very animalistic, very hot sex, and truth be told, it was the only part that we were ever truly good at. Now that we have focused so much energy on all of the other facets of our life, I am afraid that we may have lost the one thing that we were good at before. I have talked about it with Jasper and he has said that it is only natural for me to be nervous, I need to remember that Edward and I love one another deeply and have been through so much together that sex won't just be about sex anymore, it will be about love, trust, and devotion, and that will make it more special in the end. Of course, hearing that, just made me more nervous.

Edward has been great and not mentioned it to me at all. He told me long ago that it was up to me, when I was ready he would be ready. We even backed off on fooling around like we did those first few days he was home, I just figured it was too cruel to keep working him up and then not delivering the goods. So we have kissed and held each other but nothing more. I have to say he has the patience of a saint that is for sure; even I have been ready to give up and just jump him. I just knew that I would know when the time was right and tonight was that time. Seeing him defend us to James and tell Lauren off was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was ready, more than ready really and I had no doubts that we were ready to take this step together. I couldn't wait to get him home, alone. Esme had Eavan for the night so we would be undisturbed and I couldn't wait.

I know we talked at dinner but for the life of me I couldn't remember a single thing that he or I said. I just remember the look in his eyes. The way his shirt stretched across his chest when he laughed and the flex of his forearms when I laid my hand across of it. I had a few glasses of wine but Edward only had water. I felt the warm, wonderful buzz that settled down deep inside of me. I knew without a doubt that the wine had nothing to do with the monumental decision that I had made. It just made me more excited about it.

We were on our way home with Edward driving, his fingers wrapped around mine, resting on my leg. Only his fingertips actually touched my leg but I swear that I could feel the warmth spread across my entire body. My heart raced and I couldn't breathe. "Baby, you okay, you're kinda quiet?" Edward sounded reserved.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess the wine got to me a little bit, sorry." I smiled at him as he glanced at me while still trying to keep his eyes on the road.

"I thought you might be mad at me. You know that I didn't mean for all of that to happen with James and Lauren, don't you?" He looked scared and almost small when he spoke to me. My heart went out to him and I had to stop the idea that I was disappointed in him, it was far from the truth. I was proud of him.

"Edward, stop. I'm not mad at all. I'm proud of you, it couldn't have been easy to turn down James and stick up for yourself like that." I bit my lip, not sure how the next remark would make me look. "The punch was hot, you looked so primal and in control at the same time. Then Lauren, well that was just priceless." I wanted to laugh at her audacity, satisfaction settled deep inside my body at Edward's rejection of her. It was exactly what I wanted to hear each time I came in contact with her in the past, late is certainly better than never. "She expected you to take up where you left off and to see the look on her face when you told her not just no but never. It really meant so much to me. I love you now, more than ever. Thank you." I pulled his face to mine and tried to kiss him. He immediately pulled over and took my face in his hands and kissed me back. When the need for air separated us I spoke quietly to him while our noses caressed each other's. "Please take me home Edward, I want you to make love to me."

His control snapped right then and there. He pulled me across the center console and half into his lap. He kissed me within an inch of my life. The passion and care poured into me from his mouth. His hands confirmed his feelings as they ran up and down my body. It wasn't the rushed, fevered groping that we had done so many times before. This was hot, needy but yet so passionate and full of love. I was almost in tears at the love that flowed between us.

He sat back and ran a hand through his hair, after a deep breath he looked over at me. His eyes were wide and dilated with lust but he helped me sit back in my seat. When my seat belt was snapped in place he put the car back in gear so that we could make our way home. The tension crackled between us the whole time but silence remained.

Our hands found each other and held on for dear life as Edward directed the car towards home. Edward still considered this _my house_ but I had already begun to think of it as _ours._ When we pulled into our parking spot and Edward came around to open my door, he took my hand and helped me out of the car. Our bodies were in constant contact as we walked up the path; Edward handed over the keys so I could open the door. Normally I would just take the keys and open the door but tonight was different, tonight Edward was in charge. I pushed the keys back to him, his eyes showed the surprise but then he registered the change in us and turned to the door and unlocked it.

The door was held open for me so that I could walk through. Edward entered behind me and as soon as the door clicked closed Edward pulled my body back against his. His lips found my neck and began to leave kisses there. "I love you." He murmured against my skin. Goosebumps rose where his breath ghosted across my wet skin. I was putty in his hands. I knew without a doubt that tonight would be the night that we'd both been waiting for.

Edward had been so patient with me, without complaints about the wait. He understood that I had things to set straight in my mind and I once again saw the differences in the Edward of before and the Edward now. I was more than ready to give myself to him. I knew right here, right now, without a doubt that he and I were meant to be together.

I dropped my head back and gave him more room to kiss. My brain finally caught up and realized that he spoke to me. I blinked my eyes and hoped that he said the three little words I imagined that he did. Just in case I responded to him, "I love you." My voice was breathy. My mind hung on to the fringes of sanity as he touched, kissed and held by body close to his.

Up until this point Edward was very gentle with me, he held me with reverence. Tonight I could see the war waging within him. I knew that he wanted to be gentle with me yet his lust was pushing him to respond in a fast frenzied manner. I helped him with his war, I grabbed his head and yanked it down to meet my mouth in a rough, hard kiss. I wanted to show him that we could have both, soft and sweet, yet rough and passionate. A feral growl escaped his mouth as he scooped me up and rushed us towards the bedroom.

When we stepped over the threshold of our room, I'd begun to call it our room because Edward was here more often than not; the warm spicy smell that was pure Edward, assaulted my nose. I breathed it in deeply. I felt the need to have Edward all over me, touching me, holding me and somehow have him within me at the same time. Inhaling his scent that filled the air, felt as if I was actually holding him within me. When I felt lightheaded I let the air in my lungs back out. Thankfully Edward seemed to still be lodged within me, a piece of him to hold onto just for me.

I knew once we took this step we would never be able to turn back without our hearts getting broken. I took a few more seconds as his mouth roamed over my body to ask myself if this is what I wanted. If he stopped right now and walked out that door what would I feel? I knew immediately that I would feel devastation like I have never felt. It would be different than the last time he left me. This time would be by his choice and this time we knew our potential. We had worked hard to achieve that potential, we had achieved it and we deserved this chance to explore. This time we were on a whole different level and I knew that I couldn't live without Edward, ever again.

Edward seemed to know the precise moment when I made my decision because he pulled away to meet my eyes. "Baby, are you okay with this?" His eyes searched mine, the indecision flashed across his face. I knew without a doubt that he would stop if I showed hesitation. I was blown away that he could sense my hesitation and knew to ask me. It really showed me again how far he had come and how he put me first in our new relationship. I smiled and nodded at him.

"I'm very sure." His lips touched mine as soon as the last syllable left them. His hands once again began to travel from the safety of my shoulders down my arms and across my hips; they traveled up my back and around to my breasts. The touches were light and soft but they scorched my skin with each sweep. I reached for my zipper on the back of my dress and when I couldn't reach it, Edward pulled it down for me. A nervous laugh escaped my mouth as I suddenly realized that we would be naked in a few short moments. I knew he had time to work out, he came out of jail looking so much better than he had before he went in, but me…well I had a baby, I had gained weight, and I was softer than I used to be. Suddenly I was more than nervous; I was almost nauseous about him seeing me.

"What's wrong Muirnin?" I was confused as to why he would call me that, I had heard his Pop's call Gran that but never heard it from him.

"What did you call me?" I blinked and tried to bring my brain out of the tailspin that the naked issue was causing.

"Muirnin, it means sweetheart. Is that okay that I called you that?" He looked like a small child that got caught saying a dirty word.

"Sweetheart?"

"Yes, you mean the world to me and I have always loved that my Pop's called Gran that. It's special and so are you." His large hand touched my face as he murmured the words. I felt the tears sting my eyes.

"Oh…okay." I stuttered.

"Are you okay, Muirnin." His sexy smirk came out as he said the endearment again.

"Yeah." I ducked my chin and he immediately pull it right back up so that our eyes met again.

"That doesn't sound convincing, what's wrong?" He gave me that look that he shows to Eavan when she is trying to get away with something that she knows that she shouldn't be.

"I'm just nervous, it's been a long time since I've been…undressed in front of you. That's all." I dropped my chin again.

"Baby, you are so damn beautiful. There is no need for you to be unsure around me, I love you, just the way you are." His lips kissed mine giving credibility to the words his mouth had just spoken.

I dropped all pretense of worry and enjoyed his devotion. He removed my dress and laid it across the chair in our room, I pulled the heels off of my feet. I removed the jewelry I wore, all except the 'Edward' necklace that I always wore. I left that on. His hand ghosted across my skin leaving goose bumps in their wake. I couldn't get enough, his touch was so light that it left me begging for more, for a steady touch, something to satisfy my body's pleads for more.

I turned and unbuttoned his shirt and helped him pull it off of his shoulders. His belt and pants followed quickly. We both stood in our underwear staring at each other, our hands in constant contact with each other's exposed skin.

"Bella, I don't know what I would have done without you. I would not have made it through." He shook his head in despair as he reached out his hand to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "One day I swear I'll make you my wife and give Eavan the baby brother she wants. I promise you this." His words set my insides on fire.

"One day I'll say yes." Electricity snapped and crackled in the air between us. I couldn't wait to feel his body against mine, his weight convincing me that this was real, that he was real.

I slipped the bra straps from my shoulders and he stepped forward to unclasp it from my back. When it was out of his way he picked me up and walked us to the bed. We both lay down, "I want this to be right, there is so much more I had planned for us. I wanted this to be perfect."

I stopped his words with my finger. "This is perfect, it's you and me, being honest with each other. That is perfection." I smiled.

Edward slid his boxer briefs off and my panties followed. His mouth began a trail at my jaw and proceeded down my chest. I stopped him before he got too far away. I wanted the seduction, I wanted the romance but I wanted it on another night. Not tonight. Tonight I just wanted him and me, joined in the age old dance of love. "Another time, right now I just want you inside me, please." I whispered.

He nodded and moved to settle between my legs. "I don't have protection, Bella. I'm sorry." He looked devastated as the words settled around us.

"It's okay, I had an IUD put in after Eavan was born."

"What the hell is that?" His confused face and shocked tone of voice was so funny that in any other circumstance I would have burst out laughing.

"Birth control, Edward, it's birth control. We're covered." The confusion was gone with that explanation and he resumed his spot between my legs.

I leaned up and took his bottom lip, I sucked it into my mouth as he pushed slowly into me. The gasp was inevitable. He was large and it had been awhile for me. His body froze, halfway in.

"You okay baby?"

"Yeah, it's just been awhile." For some reason this made Edward smile like a jackass. He buried his head into my neck and pushed in further. When he reached that spot deep inside of me I just sighed. This was home, this was what I missed. It's funny how I missed something that we really didn't have before but I did.

Edward's body paused deep within mine, I tried to push up against him but his hand stopped my hips momentum. "Just…wait. I need a minute." His voice was raspy and broken. After a second or twenty his hips began their movement again. "Oh God, Bella. I never knew." His hand hitched my leg up further on his hip and allowed him to slip deeper into me. Edward's free hand and mouth began to roam all over my body once more. No spot was left untouched or unkissed. He seemed to need to reacquaint himself with me all over again. I wrapped my left hand around his neck and pulled his mouth to mine while my right hand held his ribcage. His heart slammed against the side of his chest in a perfect rhythm with mine. His movements were slow and deep, dragging my orgasm out of me with each thrust of his hips. This was a soul deep experience between us, not some fast frenzied fuck against a wall. We had time for those later.

A small light from the hallway shown through the half closed door, casting shadows over most of the room and bathing us both in a soft ethereal glow. The decreased light accentuated the differences in us, my paleness against his much darker skin, his tall frame against my much shorter one, his rough skin against my softer covering. Everything seemed to be heightened tonight and I gave myself up to the heady feelings. Our moans, pants and whispered promises were the only sounds that I heard. My body wrapped around Edward's, my eyes locked on his. Our hearts were touching, connecting they were falling in love all over again. The way his body moved over mine felt familiar but yet foreign all at the same time. He loved me now with his body and not to just achieve satisfaction. We made love.

At the same moment our hands reached for each other and he pushed them up over my head. Edward's knees came and rested slightly under my ass. This tilted my pelvis and allowed him to slide in and out at a slightly different angle. His face broke the lock with mine and drifted down to watch our bodies move together. I wanted to see for myself but it was enough to watch it through Edward's eyes. To see his body respond to what we were creating together. It was better than actually seeing it.

"Oh baby." His gruff voice spoke, I'm not even sure he meant to say it out loud. His pushes were long and deep, a slow steady cadence that seemed to stoke the fire in my body. Each push fanned the flames and each time our eyes met the burning became unbearable. My heart exploded a few seconds before my body did. Edward followed a few seconds later.

When we came back to earth, tears were in my eyes. The depth of the emotion, the looks of love, the devotion we had just shared was like nothing I have ever experienced before. Edward wrapped me in his arms and held me close to his chest. The steady rhythm of his heart once again calmed me down. He kissed my head and I drifted off to sleep. "I love you." I whispered to him just before the darkness completely took over.

"I love you too, every day of forever."

We woke the next morning and found a steady drizzle of rain outside the window. This prompted the need to bury ourselves deep in the covers and enjoy each other for a little longer. Awhile later Esme texted me and let me know that Rose and Emmett had picked up Eavan to take her for a play date. This gave us the entire afternoon to spend together. Once we got up to go and grab a few snacks that we ate in bed but otherwise we spent the entire afternoon there. We watched the storm, counted the seconds between the thunder and lightning, and talked.

We talked about our hopes and dreams, about our future, about our past. We shared our hopes and dreams. Edward talked for hours about the center they were starting, it was so close to being ready to open and I'd never seen him so proud of something. Actually that's not true, nothing compared to his pride in Eavan but this rivaled it for certain.

Our talkative spell dried out and we laid in bed wrapped up in each other for awhile. The air around me suddenly electrified and I felt Edward harden behind me. I groaned at the thought alone of being with him again. I loved that we spent the afternoon talking but I really wanted some more proof of his love now.

Edward moved us to the middle of the bed and flipped me on my stomach, his hand pushed mine above my head. He really had a thing for my hands there, I didn't know what it was about that position but he loved it. His hand ghosted along my back and came to rest between my legs. I was certainly more than ready for him and he gasped when he realized it as well. "Hmmm, I see my girl is just as ready as I am. I love that shit." His hands pushed my legs together and he climbed up onto them. His hard cock slipped between my cheeks and into my ready and willing pussy.

My back arched up and pushed back onto him. "Oh God, yes," I gasped.

"Like that baby?" Edward prompted.

"Fuck yes." I worried that we were slipping back into the old us but I still felt the love and devotion in him, he had simply let a few extra links out on the leash of his control this time. The friction was simply divine and his body knew exactly what to do to mine. I felt the orgasm descending around me quickly.

All too soon I felt Edward weight lift off of my body and he dropped to the bed beside me. His strong hands lifted me and situated me down on his lap this time.

"I want to see you when I make you come." He sat up quickly and kissed my lips then descended back down to the bed. I adjusted and used my hand to position Edward's cock right at my entrance. I slowly plunged down onto him and marveled at the depths he could achieve within me. His hands came to rest across my breasts as he kneaded them alternately. I wanted to ride him into oblivion but once again he fueled the fire within me so damn quickly that a few strokes in and I was faltering.

His hands found my hips and guided my movements. "That's it baby, make love to me."

"Oh Edward." My head fell forward as I got the chance to watch the spot where our bodies joined this time. It held my attention, to watch Edward's beautiful cock slip in and out of me. To know that I had control and could bring him the satisfaction this time was overwhelming.

"Fuck yes, Bella. God, I love you." Edward panted as he rose up to meet me. His hand left my breasts and wrapped around my neck. His mouth touched mine and we simply touched, his breath rushed out of his mouth and into mine. Mine did the same with his. His eyes locked with mine. Our souls touched.

His name became my chant as the orgasm ripped through my body, my limbs became numb and my body absorbed the heat.

Edward cried out my name and joined me.

We collapsed back onto the bed, snuggled into each other as the rain still fell all around us.

We showered, dressed and were on the way to his parent's house to have dinner and pick up Eavan. I knew there was a lot I wanted to say and figured that now was the time to get it all out before Eavan got in the car. Not that she would disturb us in the traditional talking a mile a minute but it just felt wrong to discuss things in front of her and not include her. So, I bit the bullet and brought up what I wanted to say right now while I had the chance.

"Edward, I wanted to talk to you." His hand locked with mine as he checked his mirrors again. The rain called for more caution and Edward was paying close attention to the roads now. As soon as his circuit of checks were done he turned briefly to look at me.

"What's up, Muirnin?" I smiled involuntarily.

"Well, I talked to Eleazar and he said you could live anywhere as long as you reported where you live and your probation officer knew about it. So, there's nothing really that says you have to live with Esme and Carlisle. Surely you want to get out of your mom and dad's house, I mean you are an adult and all. I know that they don't keep track of you but surely you want…" Our interlocked hands came up to press against my lips, halting my words. He had a right, I was fully immersed in a case of verbal diarrhea right now.

"Baby, you're right. I can live anywhere I want as long as I report it. I've always known this." He patiently explained to me.

"Well, I didn't know that. I thought you had to live with your parents. Now, I know differently." I turned to gaze out the window.

"Is there a reason that you brought this up. Would you like to talk about it or did you have a reason as to why this is important?" I smiled and could tell that he knew exactly why it was now important to me but he was allowing me the chance to express it for myself.

"Well, yes. I mean if you don't have to live with Carlisle and Esme, why would you?" I blinked at him and hoped that he would give me the answer that I was begging to hear.

"I guess when you put it that way there really is no reason other than the fact that it is the only place that I have to live." He began to check the mirrors again.

"What if I told you that you had another option?" I whispered.

His head stopped mid movement and turned towards me. "What did you say?"

"I said, what if you had another option?" I bit my thumb and waited.

"What other option, Bella?" He seemed to be waiting with baited breath as well.

"Our house with us."

There was no answer just a large smile and he pulled my hand up to kiss it. He blinked his eyes for a few seconds then just nodded his head. That answer caused a smile on my face that would rival his to appear. We both remained silent for the rest of the ride to Edward's parent's house.

* * *

**E/N: Okay so this chapter more than any other, just because I was so damn freaked out about it, please let me know what you thought! **

**Till next time...**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Is this a chapter from me? Why, yes it is. First of all I'm so sorry that it took me this long. It's summer, the kids are out of school, lots of crazy things going on in my life, blah, blah, blah. Not counting the fact that Edward had shut down on me , I mean a dead stop, nothing, nada! I was ready to pull my hair out about it until three nights ago he just opened up to me and voila, here is the chapter! I appreciate you for still being here with me and not being angry about the time it took. I also want to say sorry because once again I have lost the reviews that you all have given me. My laptop died and I got a new one but along with that I lost the emails that I had saved (your reviews). Sorry :( You all really are the best readers, ever! Know that I read every single one and squeal like a kid when each one drops into my email. **

**To my normal pre readers: sorry that I didn't get this to you but I just didn't have enough time to get it to all of you, to the beta and posted for the readers. Things will return to normal with the next chapter, I swear! Love and kisses to all of you!**

* * *

**Chapter 17**

**Edward**

I lay awake again and gazed down at Bella and Eavan. It seemed to be a reoccurring thing for me. I ponder my life as the rest of the world sleeps around me. For once I only had good things to look back on…I was at home with Bella and Eavan; and by home I meant at home with them, because as of about six hours ago I live here with them. I knew that my patience would pay off with Bella, but it was really nice to know that I when I trust myself, I can prove that I truly knew her and didn't just make guesses about what she wanted or needed based on my selfish delusions. That to me was the hard part, learning about their habits and preferences, and understanding my girls so that we live a seamless life. I knew that one day it will be as if I had never been gone but in the mean time I just had to be patient and wait for it. Again with the waiting. Well at least I was doing it in a comfortable bed with my girls on either side of me.

When I closed my eyes instead of sleep, I saw images of Bella and me together_. Together_ together. Oh my God that was indescribable. I couldn't help but chuckle now at her hesitancy but at the time I could see the real fear in her eyes. She was worried that I would not like her body after she had Eavan. I didn't tell her that I preferred her body now more than before. Before she was a little too thin, all the pills and booze kept her too 'up' and she never ate. Now she was perfect, all the right spots were filled out and her breasts…damn, they were nice before but now…yeah I already said it but perfect.

I think though that Bella surprising me tonight by asking me to move in with them, just made my entire life and well again I was speechless. I knew she was ready for the move, I saw it in her eyes. I also knew that Bella was strong enough to wait if she wasn't ready so I grabbed all of my stuff while we were at my mom and dad's house to pick up Eavan. I brought it all back with me and tomorrow we would spend time organizing it. I didn't have much but Bella had become a perfectionist when it came to her living space. The house was always clean and nothing was ever out of place. Well nothing outside of Eavan's toys that is. She only put those away when Eavan went to bed but the rest of the house was in order. It was a big change from the last time we lived together. I just shook those feelings out of my mind because we were two totally different people now, so it wasn't fair to compare us now to us then.

Bella always talked about the changes that I had made but she had made more changes than I could keep up with. She had matured and was so damn wise now. Not to mention her communication skills and the way she handles Eavan, was always spot on. Me, I could talk till I was blue in the face when it was at work but not at home so much, I still needed some practice with that but Bella really has things down pat.

Looking at her now allowed me to see so many characteristics of my parents and Pops and Gran as well. The decision to stay with my parents, I'm sure, wasn't easy to make but I'm so glad she did now. It gave her more examples of a stable home that she could model for our child and hopefully we would have more children in our future to practice on. That idea brought me more joy than I realized. This time I would certainly be around for all of it. You could count on that.

I pulled Bella's body closer to my side and kissed her wild array of curls on her head. I turned the other way and repeated the action with Eavan. Then I drifted off to sleep.

The next day I rushed to meet Eleazar, Irina and Peter to look at the building for the center. We had gotten the unofficial okay to proceed with our plans, all we had to do now was wait until all the papers were signed; then we could cash the check and begin to buy stuff to fill the space we found. I was more than excited to know that we would be working with kids that were in the same position I used to be in. I couldn't tell you how my heart swelled at the idea of being able to change someone's path just by being able to teach them to make healthy decisions. I had already gotten really attached to the kids I worked with so far and thankfully they would be able to come with us to the center.

After a few hours I headed home to Bella and Eavan. I had a notebook full of things that needed to be taken care of and I was sure it would take me forever to get some of these things accomplished. I stopped at a red light and looked around me, I was only a few blocks away from my old neighborhood. It would be so easy to take a right instead of going straight. To just stop by and see the guys but I knew that it was useless to do it. We would be light years apart from each other, we wouldn't have anything in common any longer and there would be no point in tempting myself with the old habits for a few minutes of awkward conversation. I did get the chance to see the auto body shop that I worked for at the next red light. It struck me how much my life has changed again. I guess that was one of those things that I would never stop seeing was the remarkable changes.

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~LTWYL~~**~~**~~**~~**~~

The next several months passed along as normal. Our life settled into a nice routine. Each day I worked on getting the center up and running, and spent time with Bella and Eavan. Bella continued to do photo shoots and work at Eavan's school. So life had settled in for all of us, until the day I came home and got the mail from the mail box. Things changed for us that day. In the mail that day there was a letter for Bella. A letter from Charlie Swan. I didn't open it, I waited for her to come home that afternoon and gave the letter to her.

Bella started dinner and I ran Eavan over to my mom and dad's house. I made excuses about mom wanting Eavan to help her make cookies. I knew it was wrong to lie to her but in this case I would come clean with her when I delivered the letter and I hoped she would understand. When I got back Bella had the table set and dinner waiting for me. I decided to eat with her and feel her out before I told her about the letter. We chatted about our day and I told her about the progress of the center. She told me about the wedding that she had to shoot this coming weekend. When dinner was done and all cleaned up, I knew it was time to talk to her. I poured her some wine and took her hand to lead her into the living room.

"Bella, I got the mail today. There was something for you." I handed her the letter. She sat her wine glass down and as she took the letter. Her face showed her confusion as she looked at the names. She opened it and gasped after a few seconds of reading it. Tears sprung to her eyes but she kept reading, she shuffled pages and read in silence. When she was finished with the first page she handed it to me without even looking up at me. I took it and began to read myself. It was from Charlie Swan, he lived in Forks, Washington and he claimed to be Bella's dad. At least he thought he was.

He went on to tell the story of falling in love with Renee while they were both on vacation in Daytona, Florida. The spent the week together and had sex several times. Charlie tried to keep in touch with Renee but she just stopped contact with him several months after their meeting. He tried to find her but came up with nothing. After a few years he gave up and stopped thinking about her, he married and lived his life. One day at work as the chief of police they were playing around with the tracing computer and Charlie on a whim put in Renee's name. He saw her info and death as well. When he checked further to find out details he saw Bella's info. He counted up the time and realized that it was too much of a coincidence, so he made a phone call to Renee's mom and she confessed everything. He had decided to contact Bella to tell her that he was sorry that he never knew about her. He wanted to change that and wanted to know if she would be interested in getting to know him.

By this point in time Bella is sitting in shock. "What should I do?" Her voice sounded so weak and scared as she threw the letter on the floor and climbed into my lap. I wrapped her up in my arms and just held her. I gave her a few minutes to think about her options. Bella liked to hear my opinions but I knew that she would want to make this decision all on her own as well.

After a few minutes Bella sat back and stated that she wanted to meet with him.

Her eyes were a mix of scared but hopeful at the thought she was about to speak of. "His story sounded reasonable and I know that Renee's life was fairly crazy especially during that time when all she had was herself to worry about. So he might not have known at all like he said."

"I don't think it would hurt to meet him and find out. I mean what do you have to lose, right?" I tried to be hopeful with her but I knew deep down inside that if he hurt her in any way at this meeting then I would kill him for it. "Did he leave a number for you to call him?" I suggested.

"Yeah, he did. I will give him a call tomorrow. It will give me time to decide what I want to say to him." I nodded at her, I would allow Bella to decide how to handle all of this, let her make her choices and support her in whatever she decided.

We brought Eavan home and put her to bed, and then Bella and I quietly climbed into bed with each other. I offered her comfort and stability along with unconditional love. It was my turn to support her.

The next day I went into work and was assigned a new client. Jake. Jake was eight years old and suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Jacob's mother shot herself while he was on his way home from a friend's house. She had terminal cancer and didn't want to suffer any longer; she didn't want her family to have to take care of her so she put herself out of her misery; not realizing that Jake would be the first one home to find her. Jake found her and held her body in his arms for three hours until his dad got home and found them. He watched her as the life slowly drained from her body and her heart finally stopped. Needless to say he blamed himself for her death. He felt like if he had just came home sooner then he would have been able to stop her. Jake withdrew into himself and only drew pictures. He never spoke; his communication was just through his pad and pencil.

Jake became my main focus and I worked with him and taught him how to use sign language to communicate. It was slow but he definitely showed progression. He would use his signs for about twenty different things that he wanted or needed now. It only took a few months to get him to that point.

The very next day all of my hard work with Jake was belittled. Eavan came to work with me for a few hours while Bella worked and mom took Gran to the doctor. A little before lunch mom would pick her up and I could finish out the rest of the day. Today also happened to be the day that Jake decided that he would have a tantrum at school, which forced his dad to pick him up from school and bring him in for an emergency session. I sat Eavan off to the side and allowed her to play with some of the teaching toys while I talked to Jake; but when Jake walked into the room the only face he saw was Eavan. Eavan talked to him as best as they could with Jake's limited knowledge of sign language but it was enough. Enough that for the first time he left with a light shining in his eyes and he murmured one simple word as he walked out, 'thanks'. I wanted to be hurt that the word was directed towards Eavan and not me but I couldn't be. Whatever helped Jake was alright with me. It also made sense that he was comfortable voicing his farewell to someone that couldn't hear him. No pressure there for Jake. It was a small step but it was a step.

I rushed home to tell Bella, she rejoiced and celebrated with me. It was so comfortable between us, she knew what I need and I knew what she needed. The simply things in life were the most important to us now but it was no less thrilling to celebrate it either way.

~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**LTWYL~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~

Within the last six months I had passed several milestones. Bella and I both had been clean and sober for five years. Eavan celebrated her 5th birthday, and the center was approaching it's second anniversary. All of these things brought me joy, immense joy but nothing would bring me joy like this weekend. I hoped anyway. I had planned to take Bella away on a weekend trip, or so she thought. Actually we were going to stay in the house I had just bought for her.

We were driving around one afternoon, just joy riding. We passed this house that sat up on a hill. It was covered entirely in gray stones, with lots and lots of windows. It had a for sale sign in the front with a number to call for info. I tried to get Bella to call about it but she was too scared to hope that we might never end up with something like this. I knew better, I could see the light shining in her eyes when she looked at that house and I made it my mission to make it hers, as soon as humanly possible.

We walked around the yard and saw the incredible tree house that I could imagine Eavan playing in. We saw the huge back patio that was laid out in the same grey stones as the house. I saw all the windows, Bella peeked in at the kitchen and almost cried. It was her dream kitchen. On a whim I tried the back door knob. It was open. So we wandered through the house, getting more and more excited as we went.

There was a bedroom for Eavan with a built in bed, the front was made to look like a house with the opening like the front door that lead to the sleeping part. The side had stairs that led to a top section where she could play with her dolls and things. The big bay window that looked out onto the massive front yard had a bench seat that was surrounded by book cases. Finally a place to put all of Eavan's books, she has so damn many of them.

What would be our room was done in a Moroccan style with a silky green curtain suspended from the ceiling and draped down the walls like wallpaper. It created a cozy atmosphere to the room, while the French doors made it look larger with all the light flooding in from the back yard. Our bath was a massive room with white tiles and a large porcelain tub that Bella fell in love with.

But our favorite part of the house were the two large eaves that extended past the rest of the house on the top floor. The eave that was over our bedroom was painted white with a bookshelf built over a massive chaise lounge chair and around the large picture window. The lounger was large enough for both Bella and I to lie down comfortably, it was basically a small bed. Not only were the walls painted white but almost everything in the room was white or light pale blue. It made you feel like your own little piece of heaven way off on the corner of the top floor of the house. Across the narrow hall was another room that was painted a darker color with a hammock type swing in there and small tiny white Christmas lights all around it. It faced the setting sun so a golden red glow lit up the room. This side was obviously meant for the kids and the other side was meant for the parents.

Bella had tears in her eyes as we walked back out to the car. I could see how much she loved it, and I wanted to get it for her. I never said a word just in case but I swore to myself again that I would make sure this house had her name on the deed as soon as I could. It was the perfect family home with a slight edge to it that matched both mine and Bella's personalities. We could spend the rest of our lives in this house easily.

It only took me a month and a half to secure a mortgage and it was hard to do without Bella knowing what was going on. I wanted to surprise her, I had no doubts that she'd love it so I thought she would like to see that I could do something romantic for her. I cooked us a meal and dropped it off on the way to take Eavan to Rose and Em's house. I moved around all the things I had placed in our heaven room as Bella had dubbed the room in the eaves. I also lit a few candles as I called Bella's cell phone.

"Hey babe, I need help." I could hear her moving around in the kitchen at our current house. I hoped I had caught her early enough that she hadn't started any real parts of dinner.

"Sure, what's up?" I heard her lick her finger as she spoke. It made my dick hard to picture the innocent little digit as it slid into her warm, wet mouth.

"I have a flat tire, can I have you come and get me?"

"Sure, where are you?" A pot clanged as I'm sure she was taking it off of the stove to prepare to leave.

"Let me give you the address, I don't remember how exactly I got here. You know me, I took the scenic route this time again." I chuckled as Bella groaned. I was notorious for taking the scenic route and then not knowing exactly where I was and how to get home; but Eavan and I loved the trips we ended up on. In fact one such trip found us this house so I don't think she would ever complain again about my trips.

"Okay, give me five minutes and call me back, I've got to get my shoes on and grab my keys." Her voice was winded and I knew she was already rushing around to get out the door. My heart lurched at the amount of love she showed me every day in big and small ways. This one being a perfect example, she would halt dinner and rush out to get me in the middle of God knows where to help me get home. I couldn't love her more and I hoped the small little ring in my pocket made her as happy as she made me.

I called her a few minutes later and she was already on the road so she punched the address in her GPS system, which is exactly what I wanted anyway, as she began her trek towards me. I hung up with her on the pretense that I didn't want her talking while she drove because of the rain, but it was really so I could go back inside and light all the rest of the candles for her.

Her car approached hesitantly and I saw her face peering up at the house while she leaned as far forward as she could in her seat. When she stepped out of the car I took her hand and lead her around the back to where my car was parked. I opened the back door of my car and pulled out an overnight bag for us and tugged her hand again to get her to follow me. Bella looked back and forth between her car, my car and the driveway as she stuttered in shock.

"Www…what are you doing?" Her feet quit moving and she yanked my arm when it reached the end of hers. "We can't go in there, people must live her now, the 'for sale' sign is gone. Come on, let's get your car fixed and we can go home." She pulled away again but I expected it and held a firm grip on her hand.

"It's okay, baby, I asked for permission from the owners and they said yes. We get to stay here tonight." Her eyes shone with joy yet hesitancy at the same time.

"How? Why would they agree to that?" I stepped back to her and kissed her temple.

"Because they are good people and they recognize true love when they see it, now come on." One last tug was all it took to get her to step back up onto the porch with me this time.

I used the key and unlocked the door, ushering her inside as it had begun to lightly rain again. I set our bag down on the floor beside the door and we shed our coats and shoes. I tugged her arm and when she tried to speak again, I shushed her by placing my finger over her lips. She followed without any further questions until we reached the third floor. When she saw our things placed around the room she began to cry. I pulled her to me and wrapped her in my arms for a brief second and once again kissed her forehead. Her tears were a gently sweet type until I hit my knee in front of her and then she began to cry in earnest.

"Oh my God, Edward." I took her outstretched hand.

"Bella, I can't begin to tell you how much of an impact you have had on my life. You brought me passion and devotion in the midst of our crazy lives. You gave me a daughter and held on to our love while I was unable to be there for you. You took my hand and made sure that my life was everything it was supposed to be after I came back to you." I wiped a tear that fell slowly down her cheek. "I love my life, I love our daughter but most of all I love you. I promise to love you every day of forever and want to know if you will you do me the extraordinary honor of becoming my wife?"

Before I even finished the statement she was pulling me up to her and kissing me with a passion I had never seen from her before. I returned that kiss and hoped and prayed that her kiss was her way of saying yes to me. When we finally separated I slid the small gold ring onto her third finger. It didn't have any diamonds, it was just simple gold. It was molded into the words 'marry me', Bella nodded as I slid it onto her finger.

"It isn't your engagement ring. I wanted you with me to decide about the ring you would wear as my wife for the rest of your life, so I bought you this one instead and I figured we could go tomorrow before we pick up Eavan to buy you a real ring." Her tears began again. I kissed them away as they fell.

"You are too good to me." She whispered. I shushed her because she had that backwards; she was too good to me. "One question?" She felt my nod as she had her face pressed against my chest and my chin brushed against her forehead as I did it. "How did you get the owners to let you do this here?"

I pulled away for this answer. In fact, I sat her down on the chaise lounge and I sat beside her. "It was really easy, see you and I now own this house. I signed the last paper today." Bella's eyes became so large that I was afraid that they would fall out of the sockets in her face.

"You what?" I was afraid for a few second that she was angry until she threw herself into my arms and began to shower my face with kisses.

"I talked them into a few things being left here as part of the deal. I'll show you the rest tomorrow but right now I think we should have some dinner then we will enjoy our secluded room."

I fed Bella and she fed me, we laughed and talked all through dinner. My heart was at peace in this moment. Until Bella laid aside the dishes and pushed me down onto my back to kiss me fully.

Her sweet mouth opened and invited my tongue in, so I pushed it against hers. It never failed to amaze me how warm and sweet her mouth was. Almost as warm and sweet as her pussy was. I moaned as I thought of being inside her. I pushed my hand up under her white t-shirt and brushed the black bra aside. Her nipple instantly hardened against my hand. I loved how responsive she was with me.

This was fast and hard, no matter how much I wanted it to be slow and loving, I just couldn't stop myself from rushing through it. Bella apparently didn't mind because she was in just as much of a hurry as I was to pull off my clothes and toss them to the ground. When we were both undressed she jumped up and flew into my arms. I grabbed her and pushed into her body all in one motion. She wrapped her arms around me and held on tightly.

My legs already felt weak at the full weight of the emotions that were swirling around inside of me. I loved her with all of my heart and now she had agreed to be my wife. I mean I know that people have the option of divorce so it is never a permanent thing when people get married but to me it was a big deal. I never saw myself without her and to know that she loved me enough to commit herself to me in that way was overwhelming.

Our intertwined bodies collided with the wall and I held Bella pressed there for stability. Also because it freed my hands up so that they could roam her body at will. I needed to touch her while she kissed me along my neck and shoulders. She always told me that my shoulders were sexy and I guess she showed it almost every time we make love because she always pays close attention to that area. Not gonna lie, I love it, it makes me feel all fuzzy inside with butterflies in my stomach and shit, but I love it.

Bella made her way back to my mouth and I kiss her deeply. I pulled back to make sure she understood how much I loved her. "I love you so much, Mrs. Cullen." We both smiled a joyous smile that showed the exact emotion running through the both of us. I kissed her again, harder and with more passion. My tongue pressed against hers as we both moaned our pleasure. Her head dropped back and she sighed when I hit the right spot inside of her. I could feel the evidence of her arousal running down both of our legs as I slipped easily in and out of her body.

The new angle felt so good but I knew I could do better so I moved us both to a different position. I stopped for a few seconds and slowly moved each arm so that they supported Bella's knees at each of my elbows; opening her up to me so much more and allowing me to slip in at the just the right angle, the angle that makes her make that half moan, half growl noise that I love.

Before I'm even all the way back inside of her she does the moan, "Oh fuck yeah, right there, fuck yeah." Her head falls back and I feel her spasm all around me. It's just light small flutters so I know that she isn't ready to come yet but she will soon. I dipped my head down and begin to kiss her again at the hollow spot where her shoulders and neck meet. My lips attach and suck lightly there, I knew that it will leave a mark on her but at this point in time I don't give a fuck. She's mine, she wears my ring, she had my baby and hopefully in the future she will have more for me. We are it, we were meant to be together. Nothing tore us apart, not drugs, not alcohol, not jail, nothing.

Her moans picked up at the same time the fluttering inside of her gets quicker, telling me that she is getting close. "Oh God, you're gonna make me come so hard, don't stop please, please don't stop." I braced my knees against the wall and use the leverage to push into her deeper and harder. Two strokes later and she came all over us both, her body teasing mine into following right after her. It wasn't a hard sell at all, I would follow her anywhere she lead. My head dropped to her shoulder and I shuddered against her as I spilling into her.

The next morning we gathered our stuff, walking through the house and talking about some of the changes we want to make. Then we make our way to the jewelry store, Bella isn't all that ready to go but I am. I want my ring on her finger so that it is announced to the world. Of course Bella chooses the smaller diamonds and I direct her towards another cabinet of rings. She looks them over and all at once her eyes light up. I can tell that she has found the one. I glance over the case and really only like one ring in there but it's her hand so I will accept whatever she chooses. When her slender finger pointed out my favorite I smiled and nodded at the sales lady. Bella chose an antique white gold setting with a round diamond and smaller sapphire stones that ran along the band of both the engagement ring and the matching wedding band. I was stunned at the thought of it on her finger and I knew that I wanted her to have it. I took the ring from the sales lady and slipped it on her finger and kissed her hand. It was perfect, I didn't ask the price, I didn't care, I just handed over my credit card to pay for it.

We headed to Em and Rose's house to pick up Eavan, we were more than ready to tell her all of the good news. Bella's phone rang and she answered it, I could hear bits and pieces of the conversation and knew that it was Charlie. They had been talking almost daily since she got that first letter. It was nice to see her relationship with him grow. They both loved each other so much you could see it when they were together. Bella's face changes and worry passed over her. "Oh, well let me ask him." She turned to me. "Charlie says that he and Sue are going to take two weeks off and want to come and see us as part of their trip. They will be leaving August the 10th. Do you have anything going on for those two weeks after that?" I just shook my head and pulled the phone away from her ear. I had something that I wanted to say to Charlie anyway.

"Hey Charlie, how are you?" He responded but I didn't listen to a word he said, now that I had him on the phone I was suddenly nervous, hell I wasn't this nervous last night when I asked Bella. What was the deal with me? "Well I have a confession to make and may need to ask your forgiveness for something."

His voice cut me off before I could say anything else. "Is everything alright Edward?"

"Everything is fine. I just wanted to ask your permission to marry Bella. I mean I jumped the gun and asked her last night but I wanted you to know that I still feel like I should ask for your blessing as well."

His nervous chuckle released the tension in his body and he replied, "Of course, son, it's about time you made an honest woman out of her. You both have my blessing." Bella was about to bounce out of her seat to know what he said so she grabbed the phone away from me as Charlie was still speaking. She talked to him for a little while longer and she hung up as we pulled into Rose and Emmett's driveway. It looked like my mom and dad were here as well. Figures, it's hard for them to be away from the grandbabies for any length of time.

After all of the hellos were exchanged and we were seated at the table, Bella removed her hand that she had been using to cover her ring. I held her left hand so that it was put right out there front and center. Eavan actually was the one that noticed it.

_Mommy, did daddy buy you that ring?_

All at once the house erupted into shouts and hugs and kisses. Everyone started to talk all at once and Eavan stood off to the side caught up in the mix. I turned and pulled her into my lap and tugged on Bella's hand so she turned to face us as well. She knelt down so that Eavan could see both of us. We touched her ring, then I explained what was going on to Eavan.

_Bug, daddy bought this ring for mommy today. I asked her to marry me, so we can be together for the rest of our lives because I love her with all of my heart. Do you know what that means?_

She nodded and her hands began to explain.

_My friends all have mommies and daddies that have the same last name, will you have the same name now? _

We both just laughed and nodded yes, Eavan's face broke out into a large grin and she hugged us both. She only had one question.

_Can I wear a big pretty dress?_

Bella nodded yes and she went off to play. I wish all of life was that simple. We would have it made.

The girls began to discuss wedding plans and all until an interesting idea came up. My mom suggested that we have the wedding while Charlie and Sue were here in town. It was a great idea since he had a hard time getting time off because he was the Chief of police. So Bella got on the phone and made the call to him. He thought it was a great idea as well. So in three weeks we were getting married. I wasn't worried, I knew we could do it. Bella looked a little stressed all of the sudden.

We all decided to drive back to the house to show all of the others as well. Alice and Jasper called to tell us they would meet us there. So once again we stood in our big empty kitchen and discussed wedding plans. Alice had it all under control and seemed to think that she could get it all done.

That night as we went to bed, Bella's phone chirped. I picked it up, it was announcing a reminder that she had a doctor's appointment tomorrow. "Hey, honey, are you sick?" I called into the bathroom at her.

"Nah, yearly girlie exam, that's all." She spit the toothpaste out and rinsed her mouth. "I'm glad you brought that up. It's time to take my IUD out, it's been five years. So what would you like me to do about birth control?" She bit her thumbnail. I hadn't seen a nervous Bella in quite a while.

"What were you thinking?" I knew I didn't want to use condoms, not after being in her bare but I wasn't sure that she was ready to not use anything. I was, but it was hard to tell if she was.

"Well, we said we wanted more kids right?" Her face looked hopeful.

"We did." I left it at that short and sweet.

"So would it be so bad if we opted to not use any birth control? It would probably take a few months to get pregnant anyway so if we started now, then…" She left her sentence hanging in the air between us.

I sat and pretended to think it over. I mean really what was there to think about, Bella pregnant with my child, the answer was hell yes. I let her sweat a little longer. I dropped my head dramatically against my chest. "I guess so I mean, it would be nice to have more."

"I mean I can get something less permanent if you'd like to wait awhile longer."

"Nah, it's okay."

"Are you sure?" I had to put a stop to her misery.

I tilted my head up and allowed the grin to show. "Abso-freaking-lutely!" I jumped up off of the bed and grabbed her around her tiny waist. We swung in circles as I kissed her face. "I want lots and lots of babies with you, so don't you dare tell them you want anything. You hear me?"

That night Bella lay awake with me and we talked about all of the things that usually ran through my overactive imagination at this time of night. Funny how when we talked them out together all my problems seemed to almost solve themselves and that left me plenty of time to snuggle next to Bella and sleep. And that's what I did!

* * *

**E/N: I have pictures of all of this on my polyvore, link is on my profile. Go on over and take a look, I think you will like what I picked out. **

**Another announcement:This will be the last normal chapter for this story. I just don't have much more to put these two through and more drama would just be drama for the sake of drama. I don't do drama for that reason. Now, I do have two epi's that will be coming as well as a few outtakes. So have no fear you are not done with me yet. **

**On another note, I have a drabble type story that I'll be posting within the next week or so, so if you don't have me on author alert now would be the time to do so. I promise I got so much down the shoot for you all, trust me!**

**Once again, leave me some love, let me know what you think or what you would'd like to see as far as any outtakes. I'm open to suggestions:)**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:Dear Readers, please don't have a heart attack and die from this surprise! I know that it has been a really long time since I have updated this fic, I can only say I am so sorry. When this story began I wasn't sure I could write it, it was not my normal sweet, loving Edward. So that was part of the challenge for me. I wrote it, was happy with it and it is even the story that I am most proud of so far. With that said, I couldn't give it, them or you a half assed ending. So many of my fav fics ended half ass and it blows the rest of the story away because you can't forget that cop out they made. With so much real life shit going on, I tried to patiently wait it out until I was in a happy place again to be able to give these two a happy ending. I hope that the wait was worth it, again, I am so sorry that it took so long. Now...this is still not finished (as I thought it would be) it became too long so I stopped. I have two more epi's for you (shorter ones). Don't panic tho, the second epi has already been half written. I swear! I will get them to you as soon as I can. **

**On with the show...**

* * *

**Chapter 18-**

**Bella's POV**

I couldn't believe that I let Alice talk me into this wedding thing so quickly. I couldn't do this at all, I mean there was too much to get done, wasn't there? I bit my thumbnail and leaned against the empty kitchen counter.

We had packed up one house, moved it to another, unpacked it, planned a wedding and carried on with our daily lives…all at the same time. I'm sure I needed medication because at any moment someone is going to say the words that send me flying over the edge of sanity.

The one calming force in all of this was Edward. He showed no fear, no hesitation, nothing but pure out and out happiness. His happiness often calmed my nerves and allowed me to get my small portion of the wedding under control.

In fact, most of my part was done. I had picked out both Eavan's dress and mine. I decided on the colors and well, that was it. That was all I had to do. Edward was in charge of his tux and to help Alice, Esme and Rosalie with the guest list. Everything else Alice was doing. We had final veto rights of course, but so far none had been necessary.

I began to sweep up the last of the mess in the kitchen and walked over to the trash to toss it out. It was time to leave the first house I had ever really enjoyed living in, the place that showed me how strong I was. It was the place that allowed not only me but Eavan as well to grow and find ourselves. It should have made me sad but it didn't. I wanted to move forward with Edward in every way possible. Don't get me wrong though I was more than happy to find out that Edward thought it was a good idea to keep the townhouse and rent it out instead of selling it. I loved that idea and we found a wonderful older couple that wanted to move in the day after we agreed to have all of our furniture out. So I rushed to get the house cleaned up for them to come and take the keys tomorrow morning.

Right after I handed over the keys, Eavan and I were to go to the Bridal shop for our final dress fittings. Edward, Charlie and Sue were all at home. During their wait for us to get back there, Edward and Charlie moved furniture, while Sue unpacked the kitchen stuff. Yesterday Alice, Rose, Esme and I tackled Eavan's room as well as her bathroom. We then moved on to our room, our bathroom and the guest room. Today Edward and Charlie were also supposed to put the last touches on my dark room. I converted a bedroom and a small walk in closet to my photography studio with my very own dark room. Edward got the other bedroom upstairs as his office, so we both were happy. Life was too good to spend time worrying about all the things you wished hadn't happened at the time.

I exchanged the keys for a big fat deposit and rent check and rushed off to the dress shop. My dress was a knee length dress with a beaded corset top and a fluffy, feathered skirt. It was not your traditional wedding dress but I didn't care. It called to me so I bought it. Besides when has either Edward or I been traditional in anything we've done.

Eavan on the other hand was as traditional as you could get. She would wear a red dress with flowers around the neck and waist line, with a large bow in the back, with bright red shoes and a big headband, also in bright red. Eavan had insisted on the red as our wedding colors. It wasn't a traditional August color but again, who are we for tradition? She would carry a basket of rose petals and drop them as she walked down the aisle. She wanted the entire fairy tale for this wedding and we both gladly accommodated her when we could. God, help her daddy when she got married, that's all I had to say about that little princess.

With both dresses fitted, bagged and ready for us to leave we made our way back to the car to head home. All of the other accessories were already purchased and locked away in my dark room. I had a hard time keeping Edward from seeing them. Not that he would ever intentionally peek at them, because he wasn't, but it was hard when you were moving in. Every single box we'd open would belong in the room that I had just recently moved all the wedding stuff to because the day before he'd needed to use the room it currently resided in. It was a never ending game of hide the wedding stuff. Glad that was over now that Charlie suggested the dark room since Edward would not need to be in there anymore.

When I arrived home, Edward pulled my hand and led me back out the kitchen door to his car, while Alice took the bags of stuff from me and proceeded to explain to Eavan that it was time to go and have some fun, just the bridesmaids. I was totally confused, since when do the bridesmaids have fun without the bride?

Every time I would ask where we were headed Edward would shush me and tell me that I would see when we got there. So I stopped asking. I do have to say that glee filled me when I realized what his destination was to be. It was a tattoo parlor. I had toyed with the idea of a new tattoo and I heard Emmett and Edward as they discussed some ideas for theirs as well. Apparently Edward had already made a decision on his addition. In fact, work had already been started. How I missed it I would never know but he decided that it was time to take off the 'Rot In Pieces' that he added below my name in a fit of rage years ago. He would cover it up with a scroll work of vines and large roses that would match the tattoo that he already had across his lower back. Two tiny ladybugs were added to the side of one of the roses as well, one for me and one for Eavan. He called us both his ladybugs. For Eavan it was actually shortened and he just simply called her 'bug' now. She loved it. He wanted to also add Eavan's name in fancy script along with a tribal lady bug to be placed over Edward's heart.

I decided to add a swan that looked like it was about to take off in flight with a long trail of hearts behind it. I thought it was the perfect symbol to show my newfound love for my father on my skin. It proved what I knew all along that I could make it out of this life I grew up in and find a real life one day. It was my proof that I had more in me than the rest of my family ever knew. I also added 'Love is Worth it' to match the fancy script that Edward would use to mark himself with Eavan's name. Because love is worth it, at least our love is.

When we left the tattoo parlor that afternoon, I had my swan and my reminder of the importance of our love completed. Edward had the vines and roses finished as well as the outline of his tribal ladybug tattoo done. The next visit he would get the lady bug finished and have Eavan's name added. The ink simply reminded us both daily that the struggles had a bigger meaning, it also helped us to remember what we had been through so we made sure we never went back there again.

The next morning, Edward and I went with Alice and made our final selections on the appetizers for our reception and for the linens that would go on the tables. She had done so well and narrowed down our options to a few ideas and we gave the final okay to which ones would stay. The cake, flowers, invitations, music, preacher and so many other details were all taken care of already. I couldn't wait till this weekend to just be married. I wanted to be Edward's wife after all of these years, I just wanted his name and that outward proof that he was mine and I was his.

The next afternoon I stood in our bedroom with my dress zipped up as I smoothed my hand over my stomach. I hoped that the action would smooth my butterflies deep within my body. It wasn't nerves that caused the flight but mere anticipation. The feeling doubled when Charlie rapped on my door and let himself into the bedroom with me. Everyone else left and gave us a few minutes of privacy. It really was for the best because we were due to start the ceremony in a few short minutes.

I was very skeptical and honestly really scared when he contacted me the first time. I had no idea what kind of relationship he thought he could bring to me after all these years when I didn't even know for sure who my father even was. I had anger and resentment built up towards him and Renee both. It took quite a few talks with Jasper and even Edward before I realized I was punishing him for a crime he never committed. He never knew about me. The blame was laid to rest on the small patch of ground above Renee's body in the cemetery. Because what is the real use in placing blame on a person who was long ago gone from me? I got nothing but more anger and more resentment which would ruin the rest of my life, so I let it go. I began to see that Charlie contacted me as soon as he found out and that was good enough for me. He promised that had he known all those years ago he would have done the same then. I choose to believe that and now we have a wonderful relationship.

It's funny really because so many things that he says or does are very similar to Edward. I guess the saying that a girl chooses a boy just like her daddy is true. Even if I chose way before I knew who my daddy was, it still is true. Once again, I just have to say that God really did look out for me all those years I thought that I had been abandoned by him.

"Hey, you look beautiful. Edward is lucky man." The crinkles around his eyes always showed when he was happy and if that were the case then today was certainly a good one for him. I couldn't help but smile back at him.

"We are both lucky." It was a simple and honest answer.

"I have something for you." His hand held out a simple gold box. Inside was a simple pearl bracelet. I looked from him to the bracelet several times; Charlie was a man of few words so I waited for an explanation from him. The emotion that danced around his eyes told me that he needed a minute or two to collect himself so he could explain. His hand reached up and took the bracelet from the box. "This was my mother's, she wore it on her wedding day." His fingers flitted across the tiny clasp and secured it in place. "I gave it to Sue when we got married. I had no one else." His voice broke and the emotions spilled over the barrier that his lower eyelashes provided. Tears spilled down his face and he made no motion to wipe them away, he stood unafraid of the emotion in front of me. I recognized the love in his eyes and threw myself into his arms. For the first time I knew the unconditional love that Edward and I gave Eavan. Even as a full grown adult that shit felt better than I could ever explain with mere words. I would never doubt that Charlie loved me, never.

When I stepped out of his embrace and we had both collected ourselves he continued to speak, "Sue, insisted that I give it to you and you can give it to Eavan for her wedding day, it's the way it should be." His voice cracked again as he spoke.

"I don't want to take it away from Sue though." I said as I moved to take it off of my wrist.

"No, it's yours. We both agree and it's the least I can do for you to give you a little piece of what you didn't have as a child. I want to give you roots to help ground you, what you should have had all along. I can't change the way things worked out, but please, let me do this for you. To show you…" His voice trailed off as he spoke.

"I would love to wear it and Eavan will wear it on her special day as well. We are honored." I hugged him again. Well I hugged him, he engulfed me. A small knock on the door alerted us to the fact that a yard full of people were waiting on us, we did have a schedule to keep. Charlie and I both gave a nervous yet satisfied laugh as we made to wipe the tears off of each other's face.

"Let's do this!" He said with false bravado.

Alice and Eavan joined us as we made our way down the hall and towards the back yard to Edward. He waited for me at the end of the longest aisle I will ever walk down. Seriously why did we make that thing so long?

As the music started, Eavan began her walk, tossing rose petals as she went. I watched Edward's face as he watched her. He had no idea I could see him through the window, the pride in his eyes made mine well up with tears again. Alice began her walk and Charlie moved us into place still just out of sight. I took a moment to wipe the tears away; I wanted a clear view of Edward as I walked down towards him.

The moment I turned that corner his eyes were on me. I could feel them as they seared into my skin as they wandered over my body. The lust was there but it was an undercurrent to the overwhelming love I felt radiate off of him. I felt Charlie tug my arm backwards to slow me down. I wanted to run to him and get this over with.

When our hands touch and everything else faded away. I only remember bits and pieces of the ceremony. I remember the way his smile increased when he said my name as he repeated his vows. I remember the way his tongue peeked out when he wet his lips just before he kissed me. I remember the way his voice turned husky when he promised to love, honor and cherish me. I remember the way his skin felt so warm on the inside of his thumb as he rubbed the inside of my wrist while we recited the words that the preacher spoke for us. The way his tux hung across his chest when he bent to pick up Eavan to kiss her before we walked back down the aisle as man and wife.

Should I remember more? Probably but I was too mesmerized by the fact that we finally stood in front of a preacher, to swear our love to each other. This would finally happen to us, for us.

The good thing about small weddings is that only the people that really matter were all here with us. It was a small intimate group, the few that supported us through our changes. The people that saw the potential in each of us and helped us achieve that potential.

We cut the cake and fed it to each other, and then we danced our first dance together as man and wife. I always teased him that he was so beautiful. It used to piss him off and he would spout off all of this shit about beauty for women and so on. Well when 'You are so Beautiful' by Joe Cocker began as our first dance, I almost fell over laughing. I loved it; we danced with Edward chin pressed to my forehead. He sang to me and I held on to him, part of me almost believed that this was a dream. My face ached from the constant smile that it wore today told me differently though.

After the reception, I changed into a simple pair of jean Capri's that pushed up my legs with a pale green silk camisole top. I drug my jean jacket over my shoulder because I knew that I would be chilled at this time of year once the sun went down. I threw on some simple jewelry and my boots that matched the shirt I wore exactly. I left my hair as I wore it for the wedding. I knew that Edward liked it down and long, anything I could do to make him happy. It was a simple, classy yet edgy look for me. Edward wore simple jeans; a long sleeved Henley that hugged his strong chest and a pair of black boots. His looks was simple but oh so sexy. I couldn't wait to get to our cabin to be with him, just him, not have to share him with all of these people around us.

We kissed Eavan goodbye, she would spend a few days each with Carlisle and Esme, Rose and Emmett and Jasper and Alice. She would be spoiled rotten by the time we got back home. Each of the couples had the potential to spoil her so to know that she would see all three in one week, dear Lord, help us both.

The car ride was full of quiet happiness, I think we were both so tired yet still amped up on our happiness. Our hands constantly touched each other; we couldn't stand to be separated now. We had been that way all day. Several times Edward stepped away to speak to people that he knew and my body would gravitate towards him after a minute or two of him being away from me.

We chose a cabin in the mountains to spend our honeymoon. It was close enough to the shops and sightseeing for our day time trips but far enough away that we would be alone if we chose to be.

As we drove down the long driveway the entire back half of the house was lit up. It was beautiful. Each room impressed me more. It was decorated as a cabin should be, rustic. There were wood beams along the ceiling in each room and a stone fireplace in the living room and our bedroom. It had hardwood floors from one end of the house to the others but rugs warmed the place up. It was spectacular and all ours for the next week.

Edward took our bags into the master bedroom and laid them out. We make quick work of unpacking; it was obvious we both had something else on our minds. Each other. I gathered my outfit I wanted to change into and took it into the master bathroom. Edward grabbed a simple pair of jeans and walked towards the door. "Babe, I'm going to go and shower in the hall bathroom, okay?" I nodded at him.

"It might take me a little while, I've kinda got a surprise for you." The sudden rush of doubt shocked me. I worried that Edward wouldn't like my surprise for him. Since his release he has been so sweet and loving while we had sex. Don't get me wrong I loved him that way, but tonight I wanted him to just fuck me, straight up against the wall, fuck me hard and black out when I come. I needed my raw, primitive Edward back every so often. I needed to show him that it was okay to be that person every so often. He had the freedom to let go and go on instinct, to trust himself and not assume that all parts of him back then were wrong. I liked some parts of the old Edward, really, really liked them. Hopefully after tonight he would know that without a doubt.

I showered and began to dress myself for Edward. I wrapped my hair up and donned a shocking red wig that reminded me of Rhianna's hair. It was a shortish bob that was longer in the front around my face. I knew it was different than my normal color or length but I thought it would be a nice change for us. I pulled the red lace bra on and hooked the straps. It barely held my nipples in. It was certainly not something I could wear every day. I pulled the faux leather tiny panties up and followed with the thigh high leg warmers. I slid the miniscule skirt in place and zipped it up, and then I pulled the black velvet and satin ankle boots on and tied them up. I adjusted the leg warmers over the top of the boots and then pulled my asymmetrical jacket on. I buttoned the top two buttons and stood back to look at myself. The jacket showed off my stomach just above the top edge of my tiny skirt. I knew that Edward would love that since it displayed part of my 'Edward' tattoo. The fact that he would see his name would win me points, for sure.

I adjusted the wig and began to put on my make-up. I showed Alice a picture of what I wanted and she helped me this afternoon start my make-up look. I had to darken the eyeliner around the outer edges of my eyes and apply the small red crystals as an accent. I then applied blood red lipstick and nail polish. Once I was fully dressed I stepped back to survey myself once again. I looked damn good and was ready to see Edward. I grabbed my iPod and left the room.

I found Edward down in the game room, playing pool. His back was to me and he was bent over the pool table to make a shot. He wore a faded, soft pair of jeans that barely hung on his hips. They were so loose that I tried to throw them away several times. He stopped me each time. I was thankful that he did, the way they revealed his skin to me was heavenly. He was obviously commando under those things. I loved it. My eyes racked up and down his sexy body several times before he realized I stood in the doorway and he turned to make his next shot. His eyes briefly glanced up at me as I walked in. You could tell the exact second that he noticed my attire because he stopped and dropped his cue on the pool table and began to make his way to me.

"Baby? My God, you look amazing. Is this for me?" His body was pressed up against mine and it did all sorts of yummy things to my girlie parts, already.

I slipped my index finger in my mouth and tried to look so innocent. "Why, this little outfit, it's just something I had lying around." His hand smoothed down the side of my jacket and immediately found its way under my tiny skirt. His groan followed his hand. I pushed away from him and made my way across the room to drop the iPod into the dock so I could play the song I wanted to dance to for him.

As the beat begins to pound through the room Edward leans against the pool table and crossed his arms and ankles to watch me. I felt alive and sexy, when I danced for him. I shook my ass as Rhianna started to sing

_Come here, rude boy, can you get it up?_

_Come here, rude boy, is you big enough?_

Edward arched his eyebrow at me while I swayed to the music. This song said all the things I wanted him to know, how I felt about him and what I wanted him to do to me.

_Tonight I'm a let you take me higher_

_Tonight, baby, we could get it on, yeah, we could get it on, yeah_

He reached for me and I smacked his hand away. He simply crossed his arms over his chest again and waited for me to continue.

I turned my back and arched my back so that my ass stuck out further than normal and he could see the tiny panties I wore underneath. More importantly, he could see all that those tiny panties didn't cover.

_Take it, take it, baby, baby, take it, take it, love me, love me_

I threw my hands up into my red wig and tossed my head around. My hands drifted down towards the uncovered skin that my blazer offered. Edward's eyes dilated and I noticed that he was breathing harder than normal. So I turned my back again and popped the two buttons that held the blazer closed. When it slightly fell from my shoulders I heard Edward groan behind me.

_Tonight I'm a give it to ya harder_

_Tonight I'm a turn ya body out_

_Relax let me do it how I wanna_

_If you got it I need it and I'm a put it down_

I dropped down to the floor and bounced my ass for him to see. I pulled the zipper down and let the skirt drop when I stood back up in front of him. This left me in my black panties and bra. I left it up to him if he left the leg warmers on or off. I didn't really care right now, I just wanted Edward and I wanted him right the fuck now.

_Like it?_

_Boy, I want, want, want whatchu want, want, want_

_Give to me baby, like boom, boom, boom_

_What I want, want, want is what you want, want, want_

I crossed the room and turned my back when I reached Edward. I rubbed my ass all over his hard cock and to his credit he stood stock still and let me do my thing.

_I like the way you touch me there_

_I like the way you pull my hair_

_Babe, if you don't feel it I ain't faking, no, no_

_I like when you tell me 'kiss you there'_

_I like when you tell me 'move it there'_

_So giddy up, time to get it up, you say you a rude boy so show me what you got now_

_Come here right now_

I threw my hand back to grab his thigh and pull him closer to me so that he was ground against me when I moved. His hand grabbed my hair and pulled my head back closer to his mouth as he spoke.

"You want me to show you?"

I know a moan slipped from my lips, he understood, he always understood me. The song started all over again and I could feel the difference in Edward the second time through. His hands touched me rougher, his kiss was harder and his overall demeanor was what I had asked him for. I loved it!

"Get over here Bella." His tone was rough as he demanded this one thing from me. I moved instantly to his commanded spot. "Get on your knees." I dropped down and unbuttoned his jeans. His toned skin at his hips bones called to me and I made sure to kiss up and down the sexy spot. I pulled his hard cock out of his jeans and pulled it into my mouth. I licked it, kissed it and sucked it for all it was worth. I was pretty sure more of my moans could be heard throughout the room than Edwards. "God you are amazing." His large hands grabbed my head and held it still as he pushed in a few times. He went deep and held a steady rhythm but never too deep. Never too hard. Even in his rough mode as he demanded from me, he still made sure to take care with me.

His hips stilled and he pulled me to a standing position in front of him. Edward looked me up and down before he dove into my chest. Hot wet kisses were pressed to my chest along the edges of my bra and his tongue crept as far under as it would reach. I reached back and unhooked it for him. His hands and mouth replaced the fabric of the bra. His mouth kept time to the song that continued to play in the background. My hips were lifted and Edward placed me up on the pool table, his hand pressed in the middle of my chest to push me down onto the table. Flat, he wanted me laid out flat.

I threw my heels up and propped them on the edge of the pool table. They dropped open and it left my barely covered pussy open to his inspection. One of my hands drifted upwards to pinch and pull at my nipples while the other one dropped down into my panties.

"Fuck yeah, baby, slide them off so I can see you play with that pretty pussy for me." I lifted my hips and pulled them down. I didn't even take the time to pull them completely off, I just removed one foot from them and dropped my heels back to the table. This time both hands stayed below the belt. My hands tried to simulate the actions that Edward used to drive me so insane every time his mouth touched me. It was close but not as good.

Edward's finger came up to move mine around, he knew what I liked and when to do it so I allowed him to move me exactly where he wanted me. Just the touch of his hands alone caused the moisture to rush out of my body. "Look at that, baby, you are so fucking wet for me, aren't you?" I nodded. I don't think he really wanted an answer anyway. It was rhetorical question.

Both of his hands began to move around over me. Mine simply fell away and tried to grab the table to hold on for dear life. I lost track of which hand touched and which pushed in and out of me. I didn't really want to keep track, I just wanted to feel him work my body.

"Oh, fuck yes. Fuck me hard with those fingers of yours." I arched my back off of the table. His dark chuckle almost scared me, until I saw the lust that ran through his eyes. I tilted my head and leveled my gaze directly on his mossy green eyes and watched him as he watched me. His body played mine and he loved that he had that kind of control over me still. "Stop fucking playing around, get over here and put your cock in me." My control snapped, as I demanded more from him. One more second without him would push me past the point of pleasure to pure torture.

"Yes, ma'am." He pushed his jeans down and pulled me closer to the edge of the pool table. In one push he was fully seated inside of me. His heat seared through me all the way to my eyeballs. I would never get used to the feel of him deep inside of me. My orgasm began its descent upon me and all I could do was brace myself for its full force.

"That's it, Bella. Grip my cock, oh fuck yeah. Oh yeah, so good." The way he rambled meant that he was close as well. I threw me legs around his waist and began to flex my inner muscles which caused him to hit certain spots inside a little harder. It was too much to continue to have coherent thoughts while it happened. I saw the stars and the fireworks first then the white hot heat, finally the blackness took over. I could hear Edward as he yelled in the background as it mixed with all that went on inside my head.

I'm not sure how long we lay there on the table after we both calmed down from our orgasm. Edward's body was draped over mine and he must have come back to reality because he suddenly pulled up off of me. He buttoned his pants and pulled me up off of the table. He picked me up and carried me to our bed for the night. We could catch a few hours sleep and then try something else next. I was certain that was the exact plan that ran through Edward's mind as well.

When we reached our bed for the night, Edward pulled off my heels and leg warmers. He kissed the inside of my arches and dropped his pants. Our bodies knew exactly how to intertwine ourselves to sleep. It was instinctual. When my head came to rest on his chest right beside Eavan's tattoo, I sighed my content.

"You okay, baby?" His sleepy quiet voice sliced through the darkness.

"Yeah, I'm fine, more than fine." I murmured back to him.

"I'm sorry that was pretty rough down there." I threw my hand up over his mouth to stop the words that came from his mouth. I didn't want his apologies for something that I asked for. I sat up and looked down at him so that we could set this straight right now.

"Edward, I wanted everything that happened down there. I asked for it, I taunted you, so don't you dare apologize for it like it was a mistake." His face tightened at my words. "I'm serious Edward, I love that you treat me special and with so much love. But every so often a woman needs her man to go all cave man on her. Just pick her up, throw her ass on the bed and fucking pound into her. Okay, so don't hold back with me. We can be absolutely honest with each other and that includes the topic of sex as well. Okay?"

His arms slipped around me and twisted until I lay under him. "So you liked that did you?" He kissed my lips and I was instantly horny again.

"Yes, I did, very much so. I think the hottest night we have ever had was our first time together, up against the wall with our clothes barely off because it was just our pure passion and the heat we had between us."

"Yeah that was a good night, wasn't it?" He kissed me again. "Wanna try that later?" His eyebrows wiggled at me and I just giggled.

One Month later

"Bella that is the third time this week you've been sick. Are you sure you haven't caught the stomach bug that Eavan got last week?"

I didn't answer because my body chose that moment to expel its contents into our toilet. Edward wrung the wash cloth out and patted my head with it. When I was finished he carried me back to bed and stayed with me for the rest of the day.

The next day I felt fine, so that is why it took me another month to realize that I might have been pregnant and not just sick that week. I snuck off to the doctor's office and they confirmed what I had thought. I skipped home and smiled the whole way. When I reached the house it was too early for Edward or Eavan to be there. Especially since this was Jacob's regular day for therapy. Neither Edward nor Eavan ever wanted to hurry home on a Jacob day, so I had plenty of time to enact my plan. I called Esme, Rose and Alice and told each of them that they needed to come to dinner at our house tonight, no excuses, I had a surprise for Edward and they needed to be there. Thankfully all three of them agreed and didn't ask a single question. I rushed off to the store and bought something simple to put into a gift bag to surprise Edward with at dinner.

I ended up with any and everything that was blue. I was certain this child was a boy. I don't know how I knew I just did. I bought all kinds of Onesies with sayings on them, me and daddy love mommy, little brother, superman in training, I drink till I pass out, and lastly they made me white Onesie that says Team Cullen on it. I bought stuffed animals, a blue diaper bag and lots and lots of blue room accessories. I had no idea how to present all of this to Edward now but who cares? He would be thrilled no matter how I told him so I would figure all that out later.

I rushed to the market and bought all kinds of food to make for dinner. Anything that came to mind that was Edward's favorites then I wanted to make it for him. I loaded the car with all of my groceries and left for home again.

By the time everything was carried into the house and unloaded, I was exhausted. I went upstairs to change clothes and perhaps lay my head down for about twenty minutes. I check the clock on my nightstand and decided that I could actually sleep for thirty before I would need to start to cook for all of our dinner guests.

I woke with a start when Edward's warm hand touched the middle of my back. "Baby, we have several hungry people downstairs that say you promised them dinner? You okay?" I sat up and realized that the room was almost dark, like the sun is long gone dark. I over slept. I did the only thing I could do, I burst into tears. I had no idea how I would ever get this dinner made and everything done with Edward now home. He would know for sure. I jumped out of bed and ran into my closet. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a simple shirt to go and get dinner started.

Edward stopped me as I came out of the closet. "Bella, you are worrying me, are you sure you're alright?" I burst into tears again. One large sigh and a even larger flop onto the bench at the foot of our bed and I spilled my guts right then and there.

"No, I'm not okay. I invited everyone over for dinner to make it a surprise for you and it back fired on me. I fell asleep and now I have nothing ready for them, nothing. I have a gift to wrap and now that is not done either and to be honest I don't know how to get all that stuff into one bag anyway." His hand flew up and paused my speech.

"Wait, did you say a gift? For me?" I nodded each time he asked. "Why, it's not my birthday and it is certainly not our anniversary, so why a gift for me?"

"I just wanted to do a grand gesture and all since last time was a less than joyous occasion, I figured that you would like a big deal made out of it." I started to cry again.

"Shh, Bella, really this is not that important at all. Let's just send every one home and we can call a pizza, okay?"

"No, I don't want you to eat pizza when you find out you are going to be a daddy again." I yelled and Edward froze. Hand halfway to its destination, mouth open, eyes did not even dare to blink. He was just frozen. I froze as well; this was not how I wanted this night to go at all.

"Did you just say that I am going to be a daddy again? Are you…are you pregnant?" He asked with his hand still in mid air.

I just nodded. That action seemed to pull him out of his trance because he stepped towards me and pulled me into his arms. "Oh God, how I love you." He stepped back and looked at my stomach and back up at me, his eyes were full of tears. "Really?" I nodded again and he spun me around while kissed my neck.

A loud cry, whoop and scream of joy all combined ripped from Edward's mouth to slice through the silence of the rest of the house. All of our dinner guests came running to see what the problem was. They found us as we cried and kissed in the hall outside of our room. Eavan must have felt them as they ran down the hall because she came out of her room with a look of confusion.

Edward looked at me and then at them, his eyes asked the question his mind wanted to know. I nodded and kiss his cheek. I tried to step away but his grip on the back of my shirt wouldn't let me walk far. In fact I didn't get more than an arm's length away from him. Nine sets of eyes looked as us, they patiently waited for the reason behind Edward's cry. He motioned Eavan over first and pulled her close to him. I stepped between them and the rest of the crowd. As much as she has been through with us and our life she deserved to be the second person to know about our good news. Edward's finger signed the words and she looked up at me then engulfed us both in a hug.

Gran broke the silence with her plea. "Oh come on, some of us are old here."

Pop's agreed. "Yeah, tell us already."

"Bella's pregnant; we're going to have another baby." An explosion of sound took over the small hallway we occupied as we accepted congratulations from our family. I left Edward's arms as he accepted hugs from his parents and grandparents. I slipped into our room and gathered the stuff on the end of our bed so he could see it all. I opened the door again and pulled Edward in. His eyes opened again as he took in the blue color that covered everything.

"It's a boy?"

"I don't know for sure, I'm not far enough to have the ultrasound to tell yet but I just feel like it is." I suddenly felt sheepish now that I got his hopes up in case I was wrong. Esme stepped in and offered some comfort to me.

"I felt like both of these two were boys from day one, as soon as I found out I knew. I never bought a single thing that was pink, never picked out girl names. I just knew." She patted my arm.

"Guess we'll have to see, won't we?" Edward's smile was radiant. He was always a good looking man, never as much as when he smiled a smile of full joy. The sick days where he lied and I loved him anyway would never touch us again. The drugs, booze and infidelity would never touch us again. As hard as it seemed, I knew that his journey, that our journey together was worth it. Love was always worth it.

* * *

**E/N: The characters and song belong to other people, you know that but I stated it again just in case! Feel free to let me know what you think :)**

**Till next time...**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Well it is hard for me to believe that I am finally here, about to press the completed button on this one! I have so many people to thank, Jen, TailoredDreams, Random Girl, OOEG-my first cheerleader for this fic, all the readers, favers, and people that put me on alert, and most importantly to Robicorn for her awesome one shot that I couldn't get out of my head. It was a stretch for me, to be honest I wasn't sure I would even end up liking Edward when I started it. But now, well he is my most fav Edward I have ever written. Without further ado...one last time from Edward's point of view.**

* * *

I am not sure why, it may go back to the time I spent in prison, but lying in bed at night still seemed to be my time to reflect. I ponder that as I lay here thinking about the day and the news that Bella delivered to me today. I have wanted this for so long. I wanted us back, my family back. I know that most people would look back and expect me to change what happened, but I couldn't. I guess its because if I changed that event and time, then I would change everything that happened after it.

I didn't want that, I wanted my life exactly how it was right now. I wanted a pregnant wife, a beautiful daughter who meant the world to me, and a great family to support me. Add to it a fantastic job and I really couldn't ask for more. I loved the kids at the center like they were my own and I loved to watch their progress each and every day. Working with and watching these kids has shown me what a child can accomplish when they are encouraged and loved like they need to be.

Jacob was a special case for me, somehow that kid had wormed his way deeper into my heart than all the others. Into Eavan's as well. They communicated like no other two I have ever seen and to be honest, I think she had more to do with his progress then I did. It amazed me every time I watched the understanding and acceptance between those two as they 'talked' to each other. Eavan taught Jacob more and more sign language as the days went on and he was pretty much fluent now. The hands flew between those two. If they were any older I might actually worry but at this age they still think the opposite sex has cooties. I've got to be honest about it, the love and devotion between those two, even at this young age, made me proud. I wanted a man that would love her without hesitation, to put her first in his life and protect her above all else. I had seen all three of those things in Jacob. I shook my head; it was way too far away to worry about Eavan and who she would end up with in life. I had plenty of time for that.

First I had to think about the doctor's appointment I had to make tomorrow with Bella. I couldn't wait. I already had all the books and stuff pulled off of her shelves. I wasn't here for this part the last time, so I planned to make the most of it this time. I prayed that Bella would do this several more times for me but just in case, I was going to get everything I could out of this pregnancy. One thing is for sure, I love the new increased sex drive in my woman. Damn straight, I appreciate that. In fact, I think she may kill me from exhaustion before this pregnancy is over. That woman is insatiable; she wants it all the damn time. Who am I kidding? I love it!

I sat and watched Bella fidget on the table, she only wore her paper gown. This was the part of the doctor's visit I didn't enjoy. No man, no matter how much they convince you otherwise, likes the idea of another man feeling up his wife. My fears were settled when a tall, olive skinned woman came into the room and introduced herself.

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Kebi, my last name is much too hard to pronounce so everyone calls me by my first name." Her smile was infectious and Bella immediately relaxed. "I assume you are Bella Cullen?" Bella reached out her hand to shake as she introduced me as well.

"Yes, I am, this is my husband, Edward Cullen." I shook her hand as soon as she was done with Bella's.

"Nice to meet you." I responded to her.

"Okay, it says here in your chart that this is your second pregnancy, so none of this should be news to either of you. We have restructured our office though, you will see me until your sixth month, then you will begin a rotation so that no matter who is on call when you go into labor you will know them and feel comfortable with them. Sound good?" She opened Bella's chart and began to write in it.

I needed to find a way to explain our unique circumstances without going into a long drawn out story. I did want her to know that this was my second child with Bella and that we were together for both but I was not around for the pregnancy. I searched for the words and finally went with honest with as little back story as possible. If she asked then I would provide it but until then I would do the Reader's Digest version. "Ah, Dr. Kebi, this is actually my first time going through this. When Bella was pregnant with our last child I was not here with her. All of my support was provided over the phone, so please forgive me if I act like a first timer." I dropped my head to study my feet, part of me wanted to be embarrassed about how insane I was going to be with all of the question asking but the other half was so in love with my child that I wanted to know everything that was going on with him or her.

"Sure thing, Edward, you ask anything you want to know. It never bothers me with my parents ask questions. Now, let's see if we can hear your little one, okay?" Dr. Kebi pulled a strange thing out of her coat pocket and separated Bella's paper gown on her stomach. She moved it around and after a few seconds I heard this soothing yet rapid whoosing fill the room. My eyes instantly teared up as Bella's face lit up with joy.

"That, Edward, is your child's heartbeat. Listen to that strong child you got there." Dr. Kebi seemed pretty proud of the sound. I know that I read way too much into her boast but damn right that was my child and it was the best heartbeat she would hear all day.

"Wow, that's kinda fast, is that normal?" I asked as soon as the thought took over in my head. I wanted to not worry but again, this was my first time doing this. I didn't know how things worked.

I listened to Dr. Kebi talk about the increased heartbeat's and blood flow for the baby. She explained that Bella's heartbeat would also increase some due to the increase in blood for the baby. She measured Bella's stomach as well while she talked. When Bella lay down, or hell even stood, you couldn't see a single hint that she carried a baby in her flat stomach. But when Dr. Kebi took that tape measure and pressed her stomach in, I could see the form of her uterus deep under her skin and it was beautiful. That was my child in there; once again the tears came to my eyes without my knowledge or permission. My hand grazed her stomach a quick second after Dr. Kebi turned to write her measurements in Bella's chart.

We talked for a while longer, I asked plenty of questions, and Dr. Kebi answered them patiently. We took our info and made our way back out to the front desk to make our follow up appointment. I went home that night and scoured the books for more info. I couldn't get enough. I began to make lists of things we would need, things we should do and about three other lists that just made me feel good to keep. Bella laughed at me but she never made me feel stupid for the fact that I felt the need to do this. By the time Bella was asleep I had our entire nursery outfitted and even had a list going on Babies R Us website. I just needed to go to the store, print out my list and I had all that we needed there. I could just scan it and check it off. Fuck yeah, I was good at this! I was going to rock as a dad. Wait, I already was a dad and rocked. Whatever, I knew what I meant.

I wanted to take as much of the responsibility off of Bella as possible. I owed her that much.

I woke up the next morning with Bella's hair spread out all over my lap and her mouth engulfed my hard cock as far as she could. I threaded my fingers in her hair and began to thrust into her mouth. Realization hit me and I pulled her off of me and up to face me. "Baby, you can't do that to me. I could have hurt you or the baby like that." This time she did snicker at me. I would have been angry had her larger breasts not caught my attention, somehow before I woke up she undressed us both, her pretty nipples stared right back at me. I loved the darker color they were now, not a huge difference just enough to turn me the fuck on. I'm sure my dick twitched at the thought of kissing, touching or sucking on them.

"Edward, you can't hurt the baby this way, in fact you can't hurt the baby at all while we have sex. I promise." She took my face into her hands and kissed my lips gently. "The only time they say no sex is if there is a complication and we don't have any of those. I promise." She added the last part when she saw me open my mouth to argue with her. She climbed into my lap and trapped my hard cock between us. I loved it because she slid up and down slightly as she kissed me. It spread her extra moisture around on us and made it easier to move under her. "Can I ask a favor?" Her voice was so sweet and pure, almost childlike. I wondered what made her feel so vulnerable.

"Anything, baby, just ask and it's yours." I said as I kissed her pouty lips.

"Well, see in a few months my belly will be in the way and I won't be able to do this so if we could, I'd like to do this now, while I still can." She was out of breath and her words were rushed as she panted them next to my ear. Now I was intrigued, if she was too shy to ask for what she wanted outright it must be fairly kinky because Bella and I were pretty open with each other. I wondered if it would hurt the baby and if I'd have to say no.

"What did you want to do?"

"Well, I love sucking your cock and well like I said in a few months my belly will be too big for me to hover over you, so if you don't mind…" She let the words taper off and concentrated on the small circles she drew on my arm.

Realization hit me and I pulled her down to my face so I could kiss her. "Baby, get your sexy ass up here and do whatever you want with me. You never have to ask, why are you so shy all of the sudden?" I kissed her again to settle her nerves and hoped that would put her in the mood to talk to me. I needed to know why the change from my usual sex kitten to this new being.

"Well, it's just that I got a little nervous about how my body is going to change and how it will change us as well." She looked like she was ready to cry, I read about the pregnancy hormones. I wouldn't have my beautiful, sexy wife crying over something as simple as her body changes.

"Baby, stop that. Listen to me; I have seen you pregnant before. I realize that things were different when you were pregnant with Eavan, I still thought then that you were the most beautiful thing in my world. Add to it that you are giving me the greatest gift I could ever hope to receive, my child, and that just makes it all even better." I patted her stomach. "You are even more beautiful each and every day. Your eyes shine, you skin glows, your smile is beautiful, and your hair is so full and bouncy." I pushed it off of her shoulder so I could see her full breasts again. "Your body changes every day but please believe me when I say that I love every single one." I ran my finger around her dusky nipple and watched as her body shivered. "These are amazing, so responsive." I moaned as I licked the nipple closest to me. I gently pushed her down onto the bed and hovered above her. I pressed a hand to her hips and molded my fingers to her body. "See how well we fit together, you have always been so small that my hands were too large, now look at how perfect they mold to your curves." Her eyes danced with passion and love but still held a hint of uncertainty. "I love every inch of you, no matter your size. I mean it, I know that this is not a permanent thing and to see your body expand with my child…Bella I can't tell you how much." I guess I had a small case of pregnancy hormones as well because I was crying with her.

"Shh, it's okay, I get it. Thank you for loving me so much." Her kisses told me how grateful she was but held the spark of the need that still festered below the surface. I pulled her face away from mine and gave her one of my panty dropping smirks.

"I believe you promise me some 69 action, so get your sexy ass up here!"

All talk stopped at that point. Bella's sweet pussy was directly above my face so I pulled her down onto my mouth. I started off gentle and sweet, I slowly built up the intensity until she was panting above me. She had lost track of what she was supposed to do to my body. That was fine with me; I loved to lavish her with attention and devotion. I sucked her clit into my mouth and slid a second finger into her as she rocked her body above me. I could hear her moans, pants and sounds of pleasure. Each one spurred me on and made me more determined to make her let go and start with the incoherent cursing. That is the true sign that Bella has had a worthy orgasm, when she mumbles and cusses incoherently.

Her body began to rock harder and faster across my face. Her ramblings began as well. "Oh fuck, Edward, yeah, right there. Fuck yeah. Oh God you are going to make me come so fucking hard." I hummed around her clit and she froze for a few seconds, so I hummed again. Her body flew into overdrive then. I twirled my tongue around her opening then replaced my fingers with my tongue. I fucked her as hard and as deep as I could. More ramblings followed that action, "Motherfucker, oh my God that is good. How the hell do you do this to me every time?" Her body sat up straight and pressed her closer to my face, I could tell she was pinching her nipples. I almost wished I had set up the camera so that I could see this for myself. I loved to see Bella lost in the passion and pleasure, I made a note to remember the camera next time. Right now I concentrated on Bella's body.

I pulled my tongue and fingers away from her as she struggled to look down at me, her head bobbed and weaved in front of and behind her body trying to find the right angle to make eye contact with me. I lazily wiped her from my face and smiled up at her. "Turn around, baby, face the headboard and hold on, okay?" Her face morphed into a look of pure love drunk happiness. I think she knew what I had in mind and seemed to want it.

Her body was repositioned and she grabbed the headboard before I dove back into her. I wrapped one hand around her hips and spread her open with my fingers. My other hand pushed back inside of her tight body, I curled my fingers slightly and felt her body seize around me. Her clit pulsed in my face so I sucked it back into my mouth and worked her body with all I had.

"Fuck yeah!" she yelled. "Oh, yeah, suck it harder," she whimpered. So I pulled her clit deeper and flicked it with my tongue while I bit down gently on it with my teeth. Her body exploded around me and I lapped up every single sweet drop of it. I didn't want her to come down all the way, I wanted to be inside her while her body still pulsed so I could push her that much higher that much faster. So I pulled her hands down from the headboard and pushed her body downward on the bed to line up with mine. I tangled my hands with her and dropped them to the bed beside my shoulders. This brought her body closer to mine, close enough to reach and kiss while she moved over top of me. Besides I loved to have Bella's face as close as possible. It made the whole experience more special to watch her, to kiss her while I made love to her.

Her hips began to swivel and bob up and down on me and I swear I would combust from the heat from her body. I wanted to increase her pleasure but to be honest I wasn't sure I could last long enough to worry about that at all. She had me too close way too soon.

"Bella, baby, you feel so fucking good like this. Damn, this is good, so good." I panted as I tried to think of other things to hold out for her to come again.

She looked down at me and begun to move her whole body above me, which made her full, delicious boobs swing in my face. I couldn't help but suck one nipple into my mouth. Turns out this was the push she needed. Her words flew, I heard plenty of '_fucks__'__,__ '__hell__yeahs__'_, and '_so__fucking__good__'__._I planted my feet and pushed up into her body as I sucked harder. She clamped down around me and I stopped worrying about who would come first, we both released at the same time. Her hair was wild and soaked to her face, and she had a fine sheen of sweat that coated her entire body.

"Come on, lover, let's get a shower."

In some ways the months flew by and others it seemed they moved in slow motion. Each night Eavan and I would talk to Bella's ever growing stomach. She would tell me things to say and I would talk to the baby for her. Her hand would stay meshed to Bella's side so she could feel the baby move and jump at her words. I read stories to the baby, we listened to music, I talked and kissed it as often as Bella would let me.

I had bought everything that could be bought without knowing what we were having yet and couldn't wait to find out so I could buy everything else. I counted down the days until the ultrasound. Bella tried hard to pretend that she wasn't excited to find out what we were having but I knew without a doubt she was. I heard her talk to her stomach the morning of our appointment. She told 'her little man to cooperate so he could make his daddy happy', it was the sweetest thing I had ever heard. Bella was adamant that it was a boy; she said everything about this pregnancy felt different than Eavan. She bought only boy stuff for the nursery but finally gave in and promised that we wouldn't make any decoration decisions until we found out for sure. Eavan had had fingers crossed for a little brother as well. She said a sister could come later, for now she wanted a boy. I think she enjoyed the princess spotlight way too much to share it with a sister but she definitely wanted a sibling to share with. I didn't really care either way, I loved my child no matter what but deep down I did want a boy to share things with. I watched over and over as Bella and Eavan shared their girl bonding time and longed it for myself and my son.

The day we found out was perfect, even the weather cooperated. We had a sunny, unusually warm day for so early in the season. Bella and I both seemed to walk on clouds with our feet ten feet off of the ground. We had a lunch date with my mom, Rose, Alice and Grams after we found out. I knew they all wanted to know just as much as we did. It's funny how our family has grown to include so many others that seem to fit and finish up our rag tag bunch. I was closer now than ever with Emmett and Jasper had become my best friend. I went to him for advice and help with many of my clients. He had so much more experience than I did, so it made sense for me to consult with him. It thrilled all four of us when Jasper moved to the center to work with my group there. He was able to combine his funding with ours and we opened up several new groups to meet the growing needs of our clients.

I held Bella's hand as the tech moved the wand around on the screen. We waited patiently as she measured all sorts of body parts. It thrilled me to no end to know that the baby was healthy but I really wanted to get down to the part that we both were actually here for…the sex. Finally the wand settled and it took me a few seconds before I saw a fairly clear picture. I spoke up first, "Is that it's parts?"

"Yep, sure it, can you see them clear enough?" The tech asked as she pressed a few buttons.

"I think I can, I see boy parts…I think?" I scratched my head and waited with baited breath for the answer.

"Sure do, meet your son." Bella's eyes filled with tears instantly.

"I told you he was a boy, don't ever doubt momma's word, you hear me?" She teased me.

"I love you so much, I can't believe it, our boy." I looked back at the screen. My love grew by leaps and bounds in that few seconds since we found out. I kissed Bella after I got enough of looking at my boy on the screen. The tech took a few dozen pictures for us and typed captions on the screen for us so we could identify then when we got to our family to show them off.

Bella and I both walked even higher out of the office with our son's pictures in our hands.

Lunch was chaos to put it mildly. Everyone was thrilled, Gramps ended up coming with us and we sat together telling stories and talking about our boys. I missed my dad in that moment but I knew we would celebrate later tonight when he was home from work. We left our family at the restaurant with a promise to come over tonight to celebrate over dinner with all the rest of them. Bella and I both wanted to get Eavan from school so we could tell her. We stopped and bought her a t-shirt that read, "I'm the big sister." And one for the little one that read, "I'm the little brother." We had them wrapped in a gift bag and waited at the front of the school for her.

We drove her to the park and Bella grabbed her camera from the bag as we left the car. She wanted to document it all for Eavan and the little one's sake. We wanted him to see just how much he was loved and wanted before we even met him.

When I sat her down and gave her the gift bag, her face was unreadable. It all changed the moment she saw the blue smaller t-shirt. Tears filled her eyes and her hands flew as she tried to get her words out correctly. I finally stopped her and made her just sit still for a few seconds and calm down. Her eyes said everything her hands couldn't. I just nodded at her_.__I__know,__I__am__so__excited,__you__are__going__to__be__the__best__big__sister,__ever!_ As my hands formed the words her head nodded to agree with me. In the background I could hear Bella's camera clicking away. She had a way of capturing the essence of a person's soul with her camera. I had no doubt that today's pictures would be cherished by all of us for years to come.

The rest of our family was just as excited about our news. Emmett exclaimed that, 'we needed another man in the family to combat the womanly influence'. Dad just smiled and pulled me into a manly hug. When he held on I understood the depth of his emotions. When he stepped back he decided to finally say his peace to me. "Son, I can't tell you how proud I am of you, both of you. You took a life that was broken and worthless and made it into this with love and devotion to each other. We all look up to your example of how to make a marriage work. You deserve this and so much more, I'm proud of you and can't wait to see my grandson." Not a dry eye in the place, I tell you, not even my dad's.

We were finally able to decorate the nursery now that we knew. Bella and I chose a blue, white and brown design that had musical instruments on it. Because he responded to music each and every time I played it for him. Didn't matter the type or style, he responded. I painted the walls a warm cream color and we bought dark furniture. The crib was all dark wood, the dresser had white drawer fronts but the rest was the same dark wood and the changing table was all dark wood with white baskets to place his things in. He was in the room between Bella and I and Eavan. That way we were all close to him. Each day a new piece was put in place and slowly his room came together. I went out and bought Bella a rocker and footstool for her to use while she nursed him in his room. The lady at the store explained how the design was for nursing mothers with the higher arms and sloped back to make it easier to get the baby in the correct position. I stood back and looked over the room, it seemed all that was missing was him. I couldn't wait.

Before we knew it Bella was less than two weeks away from her due date and we were down to weekly visits at the doctor. We still argued about names for our boy. We thought it over all week and did our research and talked about it on the way to and from our doctor visits. We both really wanted an Irish name to go with Eavan's. So far none made it past both Bella and I to be brought up before Eavan and my parents. I was getting kind of desperate, as I was running short on names.

We both settled into the SUV and buckled our seat belts, I could tell that Bella had one she was fond of by the way she squirmed in her seat. "Okay, spill, woman!" I demanded as I watched the side view mirror as I backed out of our driveway.

Her mouth opened and one simple word fell out, "Liam!"

I stopped the car suddenly and looked at her, it was so damn obvious and yet I had missed it for so long. I guess I went too deep into Irish culture and folklore. Who knows but Bella found it and I couldn't be more proud of her. I knew that it meant resolute protector, it was everything that I wanted in a name for my boy. I loved it! "Bella it's perfect, I love it!"

"Liam Anthony, if you like that?"

I was touched that she wanted our son named after me. Eavan already had my initials and now Liam would have my name. I just nodded and shifted back to drive so that we could get to our appointment on time. Bella patted my knee and showed her understanding at my lack of words to express my feelings. I loved that she knew me so well.

We were eating dinner at my parent's house a few days later when Liam, the family loved the name, decided it was time to meet us and Bella's water broke. Mom and I rushed her to the hospital, Eavan stayed with Alice and Jasper, while Emmett and Rose drove to our house to get Bella and Liam's bag for the hospital. I was one hundred percent nervous. I mean I did this by phone with Bella last time but that was not the same as actually being there with her. The whole hospital atmosphere scared me and made me think of all the things that could go wrong. I just prayed that none of those did go wrong, that everything was by the book.

Turns out that Liam was very impatient, we arrived at the hospital at a little after eight in the evening. Bella was checked into her room and situated in the bed with her gown and fetal monitor. Several people came in and out of the room, and each and every single one of them seemed to have a reason to raise her gown and look at her cooch. I don't understand that why that many people needed to see it. I mean the only one that delivered the baby was the doctor; none of these people were the doctor, so backs the fuck out! I guess I get really possessive over my girls parts. Who knew?

The anthestiologist came into the room and we made our introductions. He explained exactly the procedures for an epidural. It scared the hell out of me but Bella seemed totally into getting it done. So I stood in front of her hunched over body and held her hands while the doctor skewered her back with his freaky medication. Once he had it in place he taped it down and I helped Bella get settled into her bed again. She was able to rest for a little while before Dr. Kebi announced that it was time to push. Bella sat up and I helped her hold on and push. I was so nervous. I felt like I was going to puke here, I wanted to see Liam but I was so scared that something would go wrong.

One look at Bella's sweet tired face and I knew that thing would be fine, she had too much determination and will to see her child to give up this close.

"Okay, Bella and Edward, one more push and your boy will be here. I can see the top of his head. With the next contraction I need you to push with everything you have. Edward you count to ten for me with her." I nodded and moved so that I supported more of Bella's weight so she could concentrate on getting our Liam here with us. Bella's face scrunched up in determination as she pushed, I counted for her as I saw the look on Dr. Kebi's face while she watched the birth happen. I saw a shock of dark brown hair just before his big pink body popped out as well. He was here with a loud announcement on his own. His cry pierced the room and we all laughed. Dr. Kebi called me down to see him, "Edward come and cut the cord."

I stepped down and made a single cut exactly where she told me to. A nurse wrapped him in a small blanket and handed him to me. "Daddy, take him to mommy." I walked the few steps to Bella's end of the bed and laid him in her arms. The look on her face increased my love for her tenfold. She was blown away at just the sight of our son. I stood and watched them both. Liam looked up at her face and just studied her while she did the same for him. I realized that tears poured down my face. I wanted Eavan with us but it was way too late for her to come over to the hospital, so I squelched that thought.

After all of the nurses and Doctor Kebi left the room, it was just the three of us. I slid into the bed and wrapped my arms around Liam and Bella. I watched as he nursed, that certainly was my son for two reasons-first he was starving, I could see how hard he was sucking; secondly he had his hand wrapped around the side of Bella's breast and was squeezing it while he nursed. Bella kissed his head and burped him after he finished eating. His sweet little mouth was coated in milk but he didn't care, his only concern was to get some more sleep since his belly was full. Bella showed me how to change his diaper and then she wrapped him back up so he could sleep some more.

I laid him in his bassinet and moved to sit on the bed beside Bella again. "Can I get you anything, sweetheart?" She shook her head and pulled me closer to her. I kissed her head. "I can't tell you how perfect he is, I mean in every way. He looks just like you. His hair and everything." She didn't comment and I wondered why, when I look at her sweet face she had fallen asleep. I held her in my arms and watched as Liam slept in his small bed beside us. I couldn't have been happier.

A few days later, I was proven wrong, thing could get more perfect. Bella, Eavan, Liam and I were snuggled in our bed watching a movie. Eavan held Liam across her lap and both were asleep. Bella was close to sleep as well.

I answered the phone as it rang so as to not disturb any of my sweet sleepers. "Hey Edward, how's the greatest grandkids in the world?" Charlie's voice rang through the phone.

"Hey, Charlie, they are good. All of us are snuggled in our bed, Eavan is holding Liam and the both fell asleep. I will text you a picture, hold on." I snapped a picture and sent it to him right away.

He began to talk about the new date he and Sue were due to arrive since they had to change the dates. Liam was too impatient to wait for the assigned time for everyone. I heard his phone ding to signal that he got the text. The next sound I heard were of the ooh's and ahh's of Charlie and Sue. I knew they both were dying to get to our house to see the kids.

I watched as Eavan backed her car out of the driveway. I know that she said she was going to study but I knew without a doubt that she was going to meet Jacob. They thought they were so damn smart. Well let me tell you that I had done it all, and got away with it as well. I had to hand it to them though; it took me a little while to figure it out. I think that they had been seeing each other for about four months once I finally noticed it. Actually it was Jasper that noticed it, he was like a second father to Eavan. He watched her like a hawk and noticed that whenever she seemed to be around so was Jacob and when she wasn't well, he wasn't either.

I talked to Bella about it, turns out that I didn't need to, she knew about it. She talked to Eavan about it and Eavan made her promise not to tell. Jacob wanted to make sure that they really were romantically interested in each other before they came to me with it. I guess I understood his thinking. There was no point in facing a father, no matter if that father was like a second father to you or not, if you didn't have to. They had been playmates, then friends and now I guess they were boyfriend/girlfriend, I guess that is what they call it still these days. I had no clue.

I drove Liam, Colin and Kyna to the movies. I promised them a movie and their momma needed some alone time. Liam was now ten and fully involved with sports and his music. Colin and Kyna were almost six. They both were a handful. I had no idea what we were thinking when we considered one more child. We should have known that life would throw us a curve ball that none of us expected at all. Colin looked a little like his Uncle Emmett with his dark hair and dimples. His size was a lot like Emmett's as well. Bella swore that one was going to chew his way out when he was ready. Kyna was a sweet, gentle child and adored her big sister Eavan. She was the epitome of her name, love and affection. She looked exactly like Bella which meant she also favored her big brother Liam.

All in all our life was perfect. Eavan had finished with high school at this point and she worked with Bella. She turned out to be an amazing photographer. She had sold several of her pictures to a local gallery which had generated some interest in her work. She mostly worked in nature and with still photography. It was easier on her with her hearing loss that she had when she first started to take pictures. One of her last groups included some shots of our family, more importantly Pops. We lost him two years ago so her shots were all the more poignant now that he was gone. She also worked a lot with me and Jasper at the Center. She was a great reference for the kids with disabilities and how to overcome them.

She had a cochlear implant placed about five years ago and she could hear fine now. Funny thing is that she still preferred to use her sign language with most people. I guess it's a habit that is hard to break.

Alice and Jasper's daughter, Siobhan and Emmett and Rosalie's son, Dillon met us at the movies. So did Emmett. I didn't understand that but I guess with this many kids in tow it was a good idea to have an extra set of hands. We got them all settled in their seats and went to make a popcorn run. As we stood in line Emmett broached the subject that I knew was inevitable, his reason for being here with me.

"Hey, I overheard B and Rose talking today." He scratched the back of his neck as he spoke, a clear sign of his hesitation.

"Oh yeah, bet that was fun for you." I didn't give him any room to wiggle out of this since he brought it up.

"Well, it seems they were talking about you…more specifically about how you would react to a particular topic." I was about done in with Emmett's cryptic talk. Besides we were next in line to order.

"Em, just spit it out man, okay? I'm not a mind reader."

"Damn, okay, fine. Jacob wants to talk to you about Eavan." I waved my hand in front of his face to stop him. I already knew this fact; he was a day late and a dollar short on spilling the news to me.

"I already know this Em, so sorry." I patted his back, very condescendingly of course. I loved it when he thought he had some info that I needed when in fact I already knew the info he had. "They wanted to see where it went before they talked to me, I get it, tell them to come on cause I'm ready and I won't blow up."

"Dude, it's bigger than that, man. I mean way bigger." I grabbed his arm and stopped him as he turned to go back to our seats with our mountain of popcorn and a few drinks.

"What do you mean bigger than that, spill it right the fuck now!" Another mother that shuttled her child in a wide circle around Emmett and I must not have appreciated my use of the strong language but damn, this was my daughter we were talking about, my seventeen year old daughter. Suddenly the fact that Jacob and Eavan had spent the last twelve years as friends didn't matter anymore. Now it scared the hell out of me that they were perhaps a little too friendly and too comfortable with each other. Maybe this allowed them to move at a much faster pace in their life now that they were old enough to seriously date each other.

"Whoa, don't kill the messenger, dude. He wants to ask if he can marry Eavan. Told Bella that he's been in love with her for years now and just wanted to wait till she was grown up enough to reciprocate those feelings for him, if she ever did. I think it's a good match man, seriously look at them. They can't take their eyes off of each other and he has protected her through everything. He knows her inside and out…" I threw my hands up and almost went to yelling at that comment. Seventeen or not she was too young to be doing any inside and out anything. I meant that, I would kill Jacob Black if he had done that with her. I mean it. "Edward, bad choice of words, I swear. Nothing like that was said, just chill, okay?" I settled back down. I mean if I got thrown out of a movie theater with all of our kids, Bella would kill me, so I had to hold it together till I get home and can find out what the hell is going on.

I pulled out my phone as the theater went dark and the trailers came on. I texted Bella and let her know in no uncertain terms that we would be talking tonight when I got home.

Her response came back immediately.

**Fucking Em, I knew he was snooping while I was on the phone with Ro. He loves her Edward, just don't over react to this, we will talk when you get home. Kiss my kids for me. xxoo**

When I got home, Eavan and Jacob were seated on the porch, holding hands. I sent all of the other kids inside to say hello to their mom and leave us alone to talk. They each said their hello's to their sister and Jacob as they went by. Jake talked to Liam about his curveball and then kissed Kyna's paper cut she got when Colin snatched the homework out of her hands this evening on the way to the movies. He really was a good kid. Hell, I had practically raised him from a small child myself so I should know.

I relaxed my face and went to sit beside them. I tapped their entangled hands as I sat, "This is new." Neither of them commented so I continued. "How long?" I looked at Jacob, I wanted to see how he held up under pressure.

"Uhm…well it's been about a month or so. We uh…well we wanted to make sure that we really were in love before we made the grand announcement and ask for permission." His voice waivered but he didn't back down. In fact his chest swelled a tiny bit as he spoke about their decision.

"I see. Well, that is a really smart thing to do. I get that, so now… are you sure?"

"Yes, sir. I am." His hand squeezed around Eavan's and her smile grew. "I have loved her for so long, I really have. I just wanted to wait for her to grow up and find out if she loved me back. She does and I can't tell you how much that means to me." He seemed to be at a loss for what to say next.

"Eavan, is this true?" I made the sign for true out of habit to her.

She spoke and signed at the same time. "It is daddy. I do love him, he takes good care of me and he knows me, the real me. The one I don't have to hide, he's seen me on my good days and on my worst. That didn't scare him away. I love him with all of my heart." She glanced towards Jacob and he leaned in to kiss her. She pulled back a little hesitant to do so in front of me. I wasn't sure I was ready to see that either, so I'm kind of glad that she did.

"Okay, so what are your plans?" I figured it was best to let them tell me instead of building it up in my mind.

"Well, Edward, sir…I want to marry her. I know she's not eighteen yet so we would like your blessing to get engaged now and then marry next year after her birthday. That would give me time to finish school and start to work. My dad said I could have his sister's house when I get old enough so we already have a house. I know it isn't much but I will work hard and make sure that she has everything she needs. I swear I will." His face looked sincere and I could see his love written plain on his face.

Bella stepped out of the shadows and took my hand. I looked up at her and seemed at a loss for words. I wanted to say yes, because I knew Jacob and knew that he meant every single word he said but on the other hand that was my oldest daughter we were talking about.

"Bella, why don't you take Eavan inside for a few minutes?" She nodded and pulled Eavan off of the little wicker set we had on the porch.

"Daddy, he's important, okay?" I kissed her temple and nodded to her. I had no intentions of harming him.

"Jacob, I see your face and I believe those words but this is my child here. I trust you son and love you almost like you are already mine. I will die to protect her." I pointed to the door that Eavan and Bella just made their way through. "I need to know that you will protect her with the same level of attention and care." His head shook and nodded lie he was a bobble head dog in the windshield of a car.

"I will, sir. I already have, I swear I have. When Eric tried to kiss her I kicked his ass and good." He stopped like he had said too much but I didn't know which part he thought was too much, the kiss or the ass part.

"Is that your job, to kiss her?" I asked quickly.

"Yeah, wait…no, I mean yeah I've kissed her but nothing else. We want to wait until we are married and all, you know?" He looked torn, like he thought I would think he was a pansy for waiting but yet he wanted to prove to me that he did put her first in everything. I liked the fact that he agreed to wait.

"Okay, here's the deal, I will let you marry my daughter but if you hit her, hurt her or knock her up before you get married I will cut off the protruding parts of your body, you understand me?" I stood up to full height and crossed my arms over my chest. I wanted to scare the hell out of him but he stood to pull me in for a hug and hell he was nearly as tall as I was. So I guess my gesture went unnoticed. I hugged him back and listened for Eavan to come squealing out the door to join in the love. It only took a split second for that to happen.

One week after Eavan's eighteenth birthday I walked her down the aisle. Jacob had made good on his promises. He loved her with total devotion, not even when that skank hung all over him at the club during his bachelor party did he so much as look at another girl. It was evident that he loved her with all of his heart and I couldn't ask for more for my daughter. He also honored his vow to me to wait until they were married before they had sex. It wasn't something that I waited for and now looking back on it, I wished I had. I know that it was a lot for Bella to take knowing my reputation with all those girls, looking them in the eye and knowing they were recounting our experiences in their heads just to taunt her. It was a mistake that I can't take back now, but I would if I could.

Bella, Eavan, Jacob and I all went over to the house where they would live to get things moved in. Eavan and Jacob had been painting and fixing it up for weeks. It was a strong, sturdy house. It was just unloved for a good many years so it needed some fixing up. We bought them furniture and the grandparents bought them a car. So they were set to begin their new life.

Liam was a groomsmen along with Jacob's friends Seth and best man Embry. I knew both Seth and Embry from the Center. They hung out there and took advantage of the basketball courts often. Good kids. Eavan had Kyna as her maid of honor, Siobhan and her friend from school, Bree were also bridesmaids. Colin sat in the pew with us; he didn't want to wear no monkey suit. His words not mine.

It was a simple ceremony held on the reservation so that Jacob's dad, Billy, could be there. He was almost bedbound by this point in time. Eavan and Jacob both took good care of him. That was another reason for them to move into the house, so they could be close to him. I knew that Billy wouldn't be around forever and soon enough they would be able to move closer to us in a bigger house. I would wait it out and respect the fact that Jacob took care of his family.

Our walk down the aisle was without problems and my voice was smooth and strong when I responded, 'her mother and I' when the preacher asked who presents this woman. It was all outward because inside I was a nervous wreck, it took every single coping skill I had ever taught over the years to make it through this. I just wasn't ready to let my daughter go, not in this permanent way.

I spent the day watching her face, her eyes shone with sunshine and her tears were all from happiness. I watched the way she touched his arm and how she listened when he spoke. The way their hands drifted towards each other without conscience thought while the spoke to different groups. I understood, finally, what they felt. They were in love. I was proud to say that I still felt that for Bella. In fact each day it grew stronger. So I let her go and make her own way in the world.

Kyna was wrapped around one side of me and Bella the other as we waited for Eavan and Jacob to make their way out to the car. Liam, Colin and the other boys were out wrapping it with condoms and writing on it. I stayed put with my girls. As they ran through the crowd and bubbles we all laughed. At the last minute Eavan leaned towards Jacob and they both returned to stand before Bella and I. We kissed and hugged, wished them well and sent them on their way. I was touched that in their hurry they remembered us.

I turned to walk back inside and all my kids fell into place with us, each wrapped around us in some form or fashion. Kyna's words struck fear in my heart. "I can't wait until it's my turn." Her voice was so soft and wistful as she spoke. Bella met my eyes and just patted my arm. The boys just chuckled. We walked back inside as one happy, strong, healthy family. Just the way it should be.

* * *

**E/N: I hope that matched your version of where you wanted this thing to end. I was so sad to see this one end but loved every single moment of it with you all! **

**I have several more one shots that I can now work on finishing up, then a story that I have been working on for ever, Eternity, I will begin to write that one out, while I work on a collab with theonlykyla. **

**Till next time...**


End file.
